Saturday, September 19, 2009

Where Did I Move?

I knew things were going to be different when I packed my shit and moved to glorious downtown Orangeville. There would be an adjustment period, sure, but one thing I couldn't have considered: Orangeville is a lacrosse town.

At first I didn't think anything of it. Then I started seeing kids with lacrosse sticks EVERYWHERE. On my street, at the park, at the complex where I drag my kid for swimming lessons. Lacrosse, lacrosse, lacrosse. I ducked my head into a sports store on the main drag in search of some new high socks for softball (WWBLD?). What was the response of the guy at the cash? "We don't have baseball, hockey and lacrosse only."

What? Hockey and lacrosse only? That blows. Things came to a head today as I walked through a parking lot. On the back of a shitty red minivan was a sticker with two crossed lacrosse sticks and a web address: Baseball sucks dot com!!!

Look, I like date rape* and power violence as much as any one, but do I go around starting websites bragging about it? I realize the most troglodytic among us need entertainment too, lest they roam the streets in packs crosschecking seniors and doing kegstands on fire hydrants. What I don't understand is why anyone would brand their car like that. I can only imagine the excitement one feels when coming off house arrest, but you can only give exuberance so much credit. Honestly, was taking a shot at glorious baseball really worth it?

* - Nobody loves date rape. Obviously. Besides, no lacrosstitute ever said no.


  1. Orangeville is also the teen pregnancy capital of Ontario. Or it might as well be. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Until junior has to drop out of high school to work at the Clorox factory and support his young wife.

  2. I'm always curious why anyone would ever leave Toronto, the Greatest City On Earth. Could you shed some light on this please?

  3. But baseball DOES suck. Haven't figured that out yet??

  4. the first anonymous is incredibly right. The second anonymous - not so much.

    Oh, and Toronto is generic North American city. Ain't nobody wanna go there but nobody's gonna complain about it. Toronto is the Holiday Inn of cities. I grew up here and it hurts to admit it, but that's how it is.

  5. That's a damn shame, Drew. You are going to have to teach these kids a thing or two about America's favourite past-time.

  6. Orangeville...

    don't know why your shocked.

    just like it says on the tin

  7. I grew up in Orangeville (go to Laurier now for school, thank God)

    The sports scene is pretty ridiculous there, I just hope your neighbours are good people (believe it or not some exist, my parents played softball every summer even!)

  8. Lacrosse is the fucking sport of kings, and its also our national sport, so baseball (not a sport) can go blow itself, while lacrosse fucks all the women.

  9. Thanks for proving my point, anon. How did your cloven hooves work the keyboard anyway?


Send forth the witticisms from on high