Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Haven't I seen this before?

I'm pretty sure I did. I clearly remember sitting here on my couch watching the Jays lose to the Red Sox in the bottom of the ninth on a single up the middle. Although, who'd really expect to win games when you can't actually get players across home plate. Really, that is the goal of baseball, to get as many of your players to cross home, hopefully more often than the other team resulting in victory. Sadly, it appears they have forgotten just how to do this, resulting in yet another wasted pitching effort, this time by Dustin McGowan.

There isn't much more that can be said. If you don't score runs, you're not going to win very often. Last time I checked, scoring once or twice a game just doesn't cut it. McGowan continues to show that he just may have the stuff to be a #1 one day, and I for one am not at all surprised. David Eckstein continues doing a great job of getting out, and it seems he's shown Vernon Wells, Lyle Overbay and Aaron Hill how to go about doing it as well.

Watching Johnny Mac come in to pinch run and subsequently get picked off was indicative of just how it's been going lately for this team, and I can only imagine they feel like complete ass at this point.


The Habs lose to the horseshit Flyers. If there is a team I dislike more in professional sports, I'm can't think of it. Fuck Bobby Clarke.

The Phillies lose, like I give a shit. However, Ryan Howard continues to look like a complete waste of skin. Glad I picked him in the pool. He's batting .172

John Smoltz goes on the 15 day DL and indicates he'll come back as a reliever. Awesome, another blow to my shit dick fantasy team.

An all England Champions League final. Fucking right.

Other stuff is going on as well, but I have no time for any of it.

Bald Men Express Outrage After Comparison To Blue Jays


I knew these two teams were having trouble scoring runs, but that was something completely different. Halladay was dominant, his curve and sinker leaving the Red Sox kicking at the darkness until it bled daylight. But even Roy Halladay at his best couldn't overcome the angry, angry gods; who have seen fit to punish any and all persons associated with the Toronto Blue Jays baseball club. The Jays aren't doing themselves any favors by hitting the Midget second in the order.

Dustin McGowan will man the hill tonight, well aware that nothing short of a perfect game will result in a W. Dice-K will kick off his sandals and leave his houseboy to tend to the goldfish as he takes the ball against the Jays. Matsuzaka is known to be a little wild, which means the Jays have a chance. Perhaps he will walk in a run, or the Jays can parlay their new "steal bases to avoid the double play" offensive strategy into a some sort of double-secret-probationary balk/run allowance. Because they simple aren't scoring any other way.



Sigh. Adam Lind's arrival was marked with much cheering and celebrating, and anticipation that he would lead the Blue Jay salvation. Instead, he's sitting on a glorious 0-fer, seemingly unable to make solid contact. At least he isn't striking out, with only 1 K against his 1 walk. There have been some grumblings and some told-you-so's emanating from the Blue Jays blogger cabal about the performance of Reed Johnson versus Shannon Stewart. I was certainly all for sending Reed packing, buying into the logic and numbers that suggested 2006 was an anomaly. Shannon Stewart hasn't looked great much of the year, despite drawing a few walks. Reed will regress, Lind will come around (he is certainly not a quad-A tweener that can't make the final leap, in my eyes) and Shannon Stewart was a good bit of business. Unless the Jays don't score another run for a week. Then anything is possible.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Another wasted gem

Man do I ever feel for Roy Halladay. Once again the Jays ace went the distance only to end up on the wrong end of a 1-0 loss to the Red Sox who scored their lone run in the bottom of the ninth. To make matters worse, the run that won the game could have potentially been cut down at the plate had Vernon Wells not booted the the ball. After all it was David Ortiz who was running and although the ball wasn't hit tremendously hard, it takes an eternity for Ortiz to go 90 feet, let alone 180.

I suppose you could say Jim Lester spun a gem for the Red Sox as well, but the Jays complete lack of production on offense isn't because they're running into outstanding shit every night, it's because they simply aren't hitting, for whatever reason. They only managed two hits tonight while stranding seven. Basically they couldn't muster anything once again.

Halladay was noticably angry as he walked off the field, through the dugout and into the tunnel and frankly I don't fucking blame him.

The dog days of...April?

Following up on my counterpart's post the Jays limp into Boston to take on a team mired in a similar funk as the Jays. The Sox looked like they were getting ready to pull away from the rest of the East before they thought better of that idea and began to suck like nothing else. Sound familiar?

So, as it stands the Oakland A's have the best record (for what it's worth) in the American league. I wonder if Roy Halladay will pitch another complete game and get tagged with the loss tonight, or the Jays are simply trying to burn him out by the end of May. Either way, both teams need these games even though it's still April. Odd as it is most teams in the American league are playing like clowns with little desire to win it would appear.

Much has been made lately of the Jays complete inability to hit with runners in scoring position. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe they're about 8 for their last 342 in that regard. Teams go through stretches such as this, but this one is particularly bad and needs to change or forget about it.

Prediction for tonight - Manny Ramirez will be caught on camera sitting out in left field in a director's chair, eating nachos and talking to Pedro Martinez on his cell phone. Fuck the cold, Jays win.

Note - Frank Thomas went 3 for 3 in a 14-2 rout last night out in Anaheim. Get this, he hit a triple for the first time since he was 13 year old, playing little league in Georgia. This brought his sparkling average up to .197 for the season. I fully predict and can't wait for the moment in during the season where we here this, "Toronto just gave up on me, I always start slow and knew I'd turn it around come garbage time when this shit is meaningless and has absolutely no impact on the success of my team." I'm starting to get enough guys together for my Jays bus-crash team.

Watch for it soon.

Strike While the Iron is Lukewarm

Is it possible to have an important series in April? Will the reeling Red Sox and the (hopefully righted) good ship Blue Jay do battle for supremacy in the AL East, or just be another example to two bald men fighting over a comb? Is there any limit to the number of mundane rhetorical questions I can ask?

Roy Halladay will heave in the general direction of the Red Sox this evening, hoping to end a personal two game losing streak (!) while continuing his three game complete game streak. BJ Ryan and Jason Frasor were seen purchasing large books full of Sudoku and Kakuro at the Fenway T stop, while Jesse Carlson and Brian Tallet both planned to drop acid on the flight because "they had a couple days off and needed to blow off some steam."

I'm not in love with the matchup of Roy v. Red Sox. The heart of their order has pretty solid numbers against the Jays ace, and he hasn't been able to win for losing this year. The Red Sox will counter with the overrated yet inspirational Jon Lester. Yahoo's Jeff Passan blew Roy Halladay a kiss today in an article about complete games. Note the strange pink tint to Roy's jersey towards the end of the article.


Last night I lined up to get Grand Theft Auto IV. While generally a straight-forward and painless process, I was gifted something from the cliche gods. The lineup at the Best Buy Gameshack was mostly 20 something dudes, normal in all respects. But the guy directly behind me was a geek/nerd/spazz of the highest order.

But wait, you might say. If you're both in the same line at midnight to buy a video game, doesn't that make you equally degenerate? Of course it does. But this fine young man had the greasy hair, bad skin and horrifically unironic glasses you would expect from a shitty MadTV sketch. Taking his geekdom from mild to transcendent was his choice of reading material. Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling by Bret fucking Hart. It was almost too much to take. It made the experience of standing around to buy a video game somewhat tolerable. The game itself is pretty great, by the way. Many Russians have been punched and many more will meet a similar fate. Driving around committing crime while listening to Sheer Terror's Just Cant' Hate Enough is something everyone should do at some point in their life.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Look! I've Happened Upon Some Cherries

Perhaps I shall pick them.

Toronto Blue Jays record in games started by John MacDonald at shortstop --> 3-1. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it suits my agenda, so I will abuse that tiny sample size/insignificant fact for all it's worth. Which isn't much.

Here is a startling bit of news: Johnny Mac isn't a great hitter. He did have a double and a run scored yesterday, but he's no Ernie Banks. More news: David Eckstein can't hit either. Maybe I'm crazy, but flaccid bat + virile glove + hitting 9th with no questions asked is greater than half-stock bat + insipid glove + giant hole at the top of the order until someone dies.

While this unscientific data may help me preach to the choir, the Toronto Blue Jays accountants see only dollar signs. Eckstein is being paid $4.5 million this season, McDonald $1.9 (we shouldn't discount the $50 000 bonus if J Mac were to be named MVP. The same bonus he would be awarded for a Gold Glove. Time for a new agent.)

Maybe there is more to it than the team getting a return on its investment. Perhaps it has to do with promises kept. David Eckstein took a discounted, one year contract from the Blue Jays after a sufficient multi-year deal failed to materialize from the Cardinals. JP and the Jays got him on the cheap, and likely promised him all the AB's he could ever want. He gets the opportunity to earn a bigger, longer contract somewhere else while the Jays make good on a promise to a free agent. A detail that JP wouldn't be ashamed to point out to future free agents in the negotiation process. A shrewd, wise move for everyone.

Except me. Free Johnny Mac.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Square Root of the Sum of the Squares of the Other Two Sides

In a desperate attempt to quell my own fears about the bad start, I tried to look beyond a simple "it's still early" approach to these April struggles.

A more comforting thought is "it's still early and there has been an inordinate amount of bad luck." The Toronto Blue Jays Pythagorean Won - Loss record is 13-12. One game OVER the ever important .500 level. Via Baseball Reference we can do some quick 10th grade math.
What is Pythagorean winning percentage?

Pythagorean winning percentage is an estimate of a team's winning percentage given their runs scored and runs allowed. Developed by Bill James, it can tell you when teams were a bit lucky or unlucky. It is calculated by

(Runs Scored)^1.83
(Runs Scored)^1.83 + (Runs Allowed)^1.83
The Blue Jays have an early season luck factor of -3. They also have a 1-4 record against left-handed starters with a lineup that everyone said was too right hand-hitter heavy in the preseason. They have a numbing 2-6 record in one run games, which would explain why it feels like the Jays are 0-162.

Compare that with the upstart Orioles. Picked by many experts to be "Vampire Weekend - deplorable hipster - seriously this twee shit is getting on my nerves" bad, the first place Orioles are 7-2 in one run games and have an early luck factor of +2. Combine their 2 up with the Jays 3 down, and you have the 4.5 game spread in the current standings.

But, wait! You make your own luck, don't you? Executing with RISP and getting bunts down and not kicking it all over Missouri means wins! Wins are important! Jesse Litsch is 2-1! He wins! If the Jays keep getting people on base, they WILL score more runs. If AJ Burnett does his job and stops "playing jazz" in the bottom of the 7th inning, he will get wins. If Johnny Mac's role expands beyond pinch runner for the aged, the defence in late/close situations will improve. That is never bad if you want glorious wins. Every team is bound to run through a string of bad luck. I'd rather have it in April than August.

The Gingerstorm will roll through Missouri today, hopefully his luck hasn't run out yet. The Jays can make JP look like a genius today by beating Milton Friedman's biggest fan all over the ballyard.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

You can't handle it

That's right. You can't. It's April 26th and already you're hitting the panic button like someone needs to be fired, as though the season is lost. The Jays can't hit, we need to do something quick. If we don't, we'll be so far behind we'll have no chance for the post-season.

Hey dipshit, it's baseball. The season is 162 fucking games, not 40. Ever heard of the 2007 Colorado Rockies? That's what I thought. Last time I checked, the American league East wasn't won in April, so calm the fuck down Toronto. Does it suck the Jays aren't hitting and have lost five in a row? Yes, it most definitely does. Do we need to fire John Gibbons, royally fuck with the lineup and go out and find someone who will guarantee us production? No, we most definitely don't.

Everyone needs to relax and remember where the shit we are in the season. Yes it's true if they continue to play the way they are they can kiss any chance of a decent season goodbye, but I for one can't ignore that the talent on this team is good enough and has enough potential to turn it around and make you all eat your shoes.

The OPS Express is in the lineup tonight, Rios is getting hot and it's only a matter of time before the rest follow.

Have some faith.

Golly Gee Fellas

C'mon Davy, you can do it!Shucks guys, I sure wish I'd caught that ball. I tried and tried, but I just couldn't squeeze it. I know the kindly old man on the radio said the ump was in the way, but if only I'd hung in and ground out that inning ending double play.

And earlier in the game, I gave it all I had, but gosh darn it if my throw didn't make it anywhere close to first base. Maybe they made this diamond bigger here in Kansas City. Lol! Those waterfalls sure are swell though.

I'm really glad to have Scotty back beside me. He's as big as a house! I got so used to piggybacking his defense, I couldn't wait for him to get back. He'll protect me from the other boys' teasing as well. Always trying to rub my weird noggin for luck. AJ was picking on me the most, all month. He kept trying to kick me in the balls, saying I'd turn into 8 squirrels and run off into the forest. Last night, he wasn't teasing though. He just kept staring at me, mouthing the words sock-chucker. He must mean my bad throw in the seventh. I can't say that I blame him. It was pretty pathetic.

Everybody in Toronto really seems to like Mr. McDonald. He's okay, I guess. He spends a lot of time in a rocking chair in front of his locker, staring out at the field. The other day I saw him sharpening a knife with a strange smirk on his face. I wonder what that means? He kept saying "almost time to go to work, almost time to go to work."

I just need to keep on swinging the bat like I can, and everything will be alright in the end. What's that skip? You want to see me in your office? Sure thing, Skip!

Not Saying, Just Sayin'

Not that I care, but this most certainly happened. Pay extra attention to the dumbfounded reaction of left fielder Mark DeRosa. He does dumbfounded better than most. H/T to these fine folks.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Check, Please!

Habsrunner On First

I never really liked baseball anyway. So boring, such a long season. I'm really supposed to invest myself in one hundred and sixty two games? I'm going to steal the Mockingbird's shtick for a second and completely refocus.

Why? ALEX FUCKING KOVALEV is why. If he was any more of a man, I would burn a police car in demonstration of my undying love. I'm digging out the Russ Courtnall jersey from my parent's place tomorrow. There is no stopping them, you made a terrible choice Daniel Briere.

Sleepwalkers in Last

I never really liked baseball anyway. The Toronto Blue Jays are bound and determined to strike me dead. Walks, tantrums, Golden Boy Aaron Hill botching a would-be double play to the tune of 2 runs. The hand ringing is growing loud, but the date is April 24th. I'm not sure what that is supposed to mean, but I just keep telling myself it's April. The 24th. Deeeeeeppp Exhale....whooooooohhhh

Birdkiller on Mouse

I never really liked baseball anyway. The Jesus Rays are quickly pushing me over the edge towards a serene lifestyle of cottaging, MMA, and heavy drug use. Their success can only mean my failure. It isn't as though they are actually good, they simply met the Jays at the optimal time. Despite this man's gloating insistence, the Shitske wagon will crash and burn in spectacular fashion. Going against type, I will give credit to Evan Longoria for being the real deal in every single way possible. He dared the Jays to get him out all week and then dared me to make a cheap, easy Tony Parker joke. We both took a shot to the face like the girl from your high school that decided to move to LA because it was her destiny. Sadly she thought it was fame, and not a stage name, that awaited her.

Lifesaver on Third

I never really liked baseball anyway. Luckily, Scott Rolen loves baseball, charity work and his role as the Omega Man. Scott Rolen (h/t DFJ) will strap on his cape and ride his majestic steed into Kansas City, carrying the hopes and dreams of Blue Jays fans everywhere tight to his bosom. There he will smite offending RISP's, boost meager slugging percentages and re-cure polio.

Druguser in Left

I never really liked baseball anyway. That is completely untrue. I've loved baseball my whole life. And who was my favorite player growing up? Barry Bonds. I have 2 (two) 2 Barry Bonds posters (one Pirates and one Giants) that adorned the walls of my room, two different Pirates hats and a Pirates jersey! I have defended him (no drugs in the world will make you hit .370) and even wrote (drafted) a letter to be sent to Three Rivers Stadium. But I don't think he is the answer for the Blue Jays. Not that I don't want to see him as a Blue Jay, it's just that I don't want to see him as a Blue Jay. It doesn't make sense, but he is 43 years old and public enemy number one. The media attention may just expose the Jays as another underachieving ballclub with a lackluster......

William Ball

That didn't take very long. Frank Thomas has re-surfaced with a team just a mere days after being released by the Jays. Shockingly he's ended up back in the Bay area with the A's, the team he "never wanted to leave" in the first place. I guess $18.2 million will make a man do anything.

Thomas was in the lineup today for the A's 11-2 victory going 0 for 3 with a couple of free passes as the DH. Oakland is only on the hook for just over $336,000 of the $390,000 league minimum salary that Thomas will receive, which I suppose no matter how badly he continues to suck can be seen as a deal giving the potential upside, albeit a small one.

Thomas was quoted as saying, "This is where I want to be". He's so full of shit. The deal was finalized within hours of him clearing waivers. Who's the tubby bastard kidding? He didn't even have time enough to think of "where" he wanted to be. A team offered him a chance to play, so he took it. There's no need to sugar coat it for Christ sake.

The bottom line was keeping him was far to big a risk for the Jays. He wasn't producing and didn't seem like he was going to start anytime soon. If he reached that magic plate appearance number, the Jays were on the hook for another $10 million next season, and call me a pessimist, but I just don't think Frank Thomas is worth $10 million. I don't think he's worth $5 million for that matter. It was a bad deal to begin with.

The A's should have considered Barry Bonds before Thomas, but I guess that's just too controversial for most teams to handle.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Blue Jays Offence Hijacked, Somali Pirates Suspected

DISNEYFUCKINGLAND - The Toronto Blue Jays continued their mediocre run of play with a 6 -4 defeat at the hands of Eric Hinske and the Mouseketeers. The Jays scored 4 runs (two unearned) with a Vernon Wells home run the only highlight. In a desperate attempt to "manufacture" some scoring opportunities, Shannon Stewart and his .600 OPS were slotted into the number six spot. Designated hitter and proud owner of one extra base hit this season Matt Stairs brought his Punch and Judy approach to the third spot in the lineup. Curiously, team OPS leader and two-time all star Alex Rios was found sweeping sunflower seeds in the dugout rather than playing.

The only rational reason for this anemic output by the Blue Jays offence is pirates. Somali pirates. Realizing that the Gulf of Mexico offers far more obese tourists than the Gulf of Aden, the modern-day swashbucklers headed around the horn to Florida. There they found a bounty of wealthy ballplayers with their offensive outputs ripe for the picking.

The Jays organization made a largely ceremonial gesture in recent days, sending Frank Thomas off the plank amidst much fanfare in an attempt to appease the bloodthirsty butchers. The meager output of the Toronto side must be an attempt to keep the pirates at bay, in exchange for the release of their women and children.

Not a single member of the incumbent pirate organization in the Caribbean Sea was available for comment on this invading menace, as reports surfaced indicating the bulk of the group were attending a Bette Midler fanfest in Atlantic City.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Did I just see that?

Eric Hinske, yes, Eric "I fucking suck" Hinske just hit his fifth home run of the season to put the Rays ahead 6-4. On top of that, he is only a single away from hitting for the cycle. If this son of a bitch hits for the cycle tonight I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and that kind of scares me.

Maybe I should flip to TSN to see if the Capitals can finish of the goons from Philly.

Ah, there's nothing like Disney's Wide World of Sports. You gotta have the TV trailers in the outfield to give it that real big league feel.

What Should Have Been

The Jays roll into Orlando tonight for an exhibition series against the Rays. Pardon? These games count? In a tiny little minor league park? Weird. A little bit of promotional shillery never hurt anyone, I guess.

What would ordinarily serve as the first opportunity to feast my eyes the magnificent bastard Rocco Baldelli, instead will be another lackluster Jays Rays series free of Rocco's charms. As you likely know, Rocco got an insane and heartbreaking case of the itis, which has landed him on the 60 day DL and seen the club decline his option for next year. It is hard to fault the club's decision in this case, and fortunately Rocco has made a nice chunk of change in his career. As always, I hope he can rebound from his affliction and bring sunshine to my life in another uniform.

The Rays have predictably scuttled out of the blocks, with their number one starter on the shelf, their big offseason addition possibly being damaged goods, and the fact that they are the Devil Rays and not that good all contributing to their inability to reach the lofty heights of an even won/loss record.

Lil Litschy goes tonight, hoping to convert the few remaining nonbelievers. I was once like you, full of doubt and skepticism. While smart people were stumping for him long ago, I saw him as a smoke and mirrors kid with marginal stuff and limited shelf life. But he clearly made huge strides this winter, under the watchful eye of the old hand.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Of Eggs and Omlets

Ho Hum, another day, another victim.

Sure, everyone said the right things in the aftermath. But you know what really happened, don't you? You think I do anything "mutually?" I don't even know what "amicable" means. It is my way or the fuck you way. Publicly bad-mouthing me and the team? That sort of contempt is off the charts, and will be dealt with one way - harshly.

My job is to make the team better. A open sore in the clubhouse and a hole in the middle of our my lineup doesn't make anything better. I told him I wasn't going to play him everyday, and he didn't think that would work for him. Clearly he now knows who his daddy is, and what it means not to work. I save the bosses $10 million bucks next year, and every single motherfucker in the clubhouse knows who is the HNIC. Who knows how I'll spend that free money? You better believe that it will be some mind-blowing, next-level shit.

I know that Thomas will get his, but I don't care. I need production now. I've got this kid I DRAFTED murdering the ball, dying to get back to the show. I've had my talons into this kid since he was 21, so he knows the face of God and who makes the sun rise and fall. Pressure on the kid? Pressure?? This is the big fucking leagues, pressure doesn't mean a gotdammed thing. Real pressure is convincing some clown's wife that the foursome was her idea, and making my wife think it's no big deal.

What the fuck did you just say? Bonds? As in Barry Bonds? You think I want to bring that circus to town? There already is a ringmaster for this show, and there is only room in this organization for one massive, swollen head.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Uh, What?

The Real Frank the Tank
See you in hell, Frank Thomas. One can only assume the OPS Express is pulling into town about now. The timing of all this is a little strange, as he went from benched to unemployed in less than 24 hours. Sense of urgency indeed. JP is into full blown insufferable prick mode already.

AJ Burnett goes today against the right hand happy Tigers. Hopefully he can handcuff them much like McGowan did yesterday. Dustin McGowan was out to prove that he is indeed a better pitcher than Jesse Litsch. I'll say he succeeded. BJ Ryan came in for a top step save, striking out two but giving up two base hits. But who cares? It was BJ Ryan in a save situation.

As the weather gets warmer, I won't want to be anywhere NEAR this Tigers team. I doubt Miguel Cabrera has ever in his life been as cold as he was that first week in Detroit. Now he's showing that backing a Brinks truck up to his house wasn't a bad idea at all, hitting safely in 7 straight games and eating two complete cheesecakes during the 7th inning stretch. Brandon Inge shouldn't worry, Miggy will be first base-sized in about 3 months.

The wife and I took in Friday's Walk of Ages baseball event. Purcey's curveball looked good, Gary Sheffield should be inquiring about package tours with the Thomas family to Branson, Magglio Ordonez's hair kept the entire stadium and both dugouts entertained prior to the first pitch. Pat Hentgen was clearly uncomfortable being the featured ex-Jay, as evidenced by Roy Halladay and AJ Burnett giving him Brubaker-styled ovations while wearing massive shit-eating grins. They do mockery well.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Not mincing words

To no one's surprise Frank Thomas was seen riding the pine today when the Jays took on the Tigers. Evidently he was spoken to by manager John Gibbons sometime in the morning before the game. I'm quite sure his absence was due to his lack of offensive production of late.

Thomas was quoted later on as saying, "Sixty at bats isn't enough time to make that decison, I'm angry. I know I can help this team. My career isn't going to end this way."

Whoa, what's with the drama Frank? No need to be a cry baby. You're play over the past couple of weeks could be defined as shit you realize. It's one fucking game, act like a professional. FYI - Zero at bats is enough time to make that decision if YOU'RE THE FUCKING MANAGER.

You go on being angry, you and your .167 average.

UPDATE - Thomas can go on being angry for different reasons now as TSN is reporting that
Thomas has been released by the Jays. I for one am not at all surprised.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Whole Shit It's Hot

David Purcey, welcome aboard! Making your Major League debut tonight? Exciting innit? You've been lights out in the minors this year and the club expects big things from you. Here, try on this Gina Jumpsuit, it's Flashback Friday so we need you to look your best.

Here, Professor Arnsberg wants to go over the scouting report with you. I know, there sure are a lot of right handed hitters in this lineup. Yes, we are well aware that you throw with your left hand. Any chance you could change that in the next few minutes? No? It's alright, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Yeah, that does say Miguel Cabrera. You're right, he is a fat bastard, but he's only added 200 points to his slugging percentage, 100 to his average and 60 to his OBP this week. Don't worry, he's due to regress back into his slump. Edgar Renteria IS old, you're right. Ignore his career OPS+ of 125 against left handed pitching, it's a mirage. Magglio didn't win the batting title last year, that was a misprint. It was actually...uh...Ichiro. Yeah, Ichiro. Son of a bitch wins it every year.

Alright rook, you ready? At least the roof is open tonight! That will keep the ball in the ballpark. At least it should help. Just give us 5 and will call it even. Dear god why can't Halladay pitch every day?

Desperately Overpaid

So the Rays locked up rookie third baseman Evan Longoria today to a long-term deal. The first six years of the deal are guaranteed with a club option in 2014 and a two year option for 2015 and 2016. He's guaranteed to make $17.5 million over the first six years and could potentially earn over $44 million if the Rays actually exercise both options. This is the longest deal in team history.

Evan Longoria has played six fucking games at the big league level.

I suppose they could actually save money if he actually fills his potential, however one would or should consider this a gamble. His deal was negotiated by Paul Cohen who is the same agent who negotiated the six year $31 million deal for 23 year old Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki, who's lighting shit up in Colorado this season...better double check that.

Look, no doubt this kid has sick potential and the chance to be one the game's stars, but this shit is just dumb. He's completely unproven at the big league level and hasn't done anything to deserve or warrant that type of contract. He's far from a sure thing, as there are few of those to begin with in baseball.

Who ever greenlit this shit better cross his fucking fingers.

Feelin' Kinda (tentatively) Not Without a Scrap of Hope

"I'ma miss you, sweater-wearin' New Yorker fag." - Patton Oswalt, "Gay Pride Parade", Feelin' Kinda Patton

Ben McGrath's year of magical sportswriting has passed into the annals of journalistic feistyness, and not, it shouldn't need to be said, given the profile of the celebrated organ that employs him, without some considerable notice. Not the least of which notice recently came from the Boston straightedge veterans over at The Medicine Agency, whose quick recap of the three subjects McGrath and his editors (what up, D. Remnick) saw fit to take down a notch (or three) is as mercifully brief as their forgivable Red Sox bias is plain to see. Among the more egregious of the blogosphere's crimes (and there are many) is its tendency towards redundancy, and it's in recognition of this that I'm not going to spend any time excerpting or repeating what it was that McGrath actually wrote about Manny Ramirez, Scott Boras and Lenny Dykstra. The internet's got that work. Read it, son.

What I will spend a second to say is that it feels like I-don't-even-know-what to have good sports copy lying around. Lloyd and I have had several meetings of the tex-mex-clogged mind on the subject of what is asked of a self-respecting man that he might subject himself to printed baseball news. Putting aside what one deals with on the radio and TV (notwithstanding the yeoman's work this hero puts in on behalf on that OTHER game), one nevertheless is, and has long been, reading either the roteness of any one of the interchangeable dailies, the post-Seinfeldian/post-Olbermann&Patrick-Big-Show snark of so many Bill Simmonses, (genuine and counterfeit alike), the vague but off-putting insiderism of SI, or, if one is a pencilneck armchair intellectual like me, one is wolfing down one's fill of "literary" baseball writing (LBW). The latter is to be found in greatest abundance in the aforementioned New Yorker before it is inevitably collected in books of poignantly austere jacket design. Many of LBW's canonical works were produced by moonlighting middlebrow authors (I'm pretty sure that reciting John Updike's account of Ted Wiliams' final at-bat is a prerequisite for securing tenure at all New England universities), so it's not surprising that the genre is an exercise in fetishizing things like "the laconic rhythm of the game, which allows for minute observance and philosophical reflection" (I made that quote up). Roger Angell made a storied career out of getting lost in his doddering thoughts while sitting next to his wife at Class-A and spring training games. Onetime Esquire/TIME/NYTimes editor and widely reviled asshole Daniel Okrent — the man who invented the rotisserie league (!) — positively oozes the LBW vibe in the lengthy interview he did for Ken Burns' Baseball PBS miniseries.

Guys like me inhale this stuff because it affords the prestige of being a true-blue litman, without requiring any of the work. It's The Official Sub-Genre of Stuff White People Like. But just because I'm addicted to it doesn't mean it won't occasionally make me feel like I just came from a swing-dancing lesson in the summer of 1998. It's got literally nothing to do with being a man. And that is why each new dispatch from youngbuck McGrath is being welcomed like an Age of Reason strongman general just back from his latest campaign. It's because there it is in the New Yorker, but instead of allegory, you get swearing. Instead of a finely honed, three-dimensional character sketch of Dizzy Dean, you get Lenny Dykstra answering a cellphone that rings to the tune of "Stuck on You" by Lionel Richie. Instead of patronizing white-guilt-laden reminiscences about Satchell Paige's "down-home personality," you get Dominican-ass Manny dealing with traffic violations and smoking cess in the Green Monster cubbyhole. McGrath specializes in the passive-aggressive undermining of the rich California asshole, but it's obvious, not just from his choice of subjects but from the sheer length of Persnickety Scribe Signature Series-brand rope with which each of them so far has gamely hung himself, that he's got no shortage of that fratboy dogg blood in his own damn veins and he's not afraid or apologetic about letting the boorish manners of the Yaley that he is shine through. He is what every self-styled smarter-than-the-average-bear sports fan thinks he is. He is, for the moment, my favourite American.

When Free Baseball Goes Horribly Wrong

Dozing on the couch, having just enjoyed (?) Anthony Hopkins' scenery inhaling performance in The Bounty on Bravo, I was given a gift greater than the out of left field islander boobies that pleasantly burst onto my screen via Mel Gibson's love interest. I flipped over to The Score, hoping to avoid being assaulted by hockey highlights for long enough to see some baseball scores. It was the usual hockey orgy, with stories of Ray Emery getting shit on for being black being run out of town preempting baseball highlights. On the ticker though, I saw something that blew my mind: SD 1 COL 1 TOP 22. No I fucking didn't. It is 4:15 AM, and I am seeing things. Understanding that competence occasionally wanes in Cabbieland, I sought out a more credible source of information. After restarting my computer, it turned out to be true. The time was 4:19AM, and people were still playing baseball somewhere.

We still rule the night and will feast on the flesh of the bullpenThat is a beautiful thing. Naturally, as is my luck, the game ended about 38 seconds later, so my late night live blog idea was out the bloody window. Troy Tulowitki drove in the winning run IN HIS EIGHTH AT BAT OF THE GAME. A game this long always has the potential for something super wacky to go down. Like a position player pitching or the bullpen coach umpiring or the grounds crew using their rakes to defend the stadium from the impending zombie apocalypse. Nothing even remotely as cool as a zombie apocalypse happened, in fact this game was scoreless until the fourteenth inning. Scoreless. No scoring. For 14 innings. Then BOTH teams scored in the 14th, so they had to play 8 more innings before someone scored again. Almost another full game. Without scoring.

I don't know if that makes me want to laugh or cry. Fourteen scoreless innings is enough to make even the modest ardent purist long for the steroid addled days of Sammy and Mark. Both of these teams have to play on the road tomorrow (tonight? Friday we'll say) which should just go as wins for the D Backs and Astros without any question.

Full credit to AP writer Bernie Wilson for firing off this quote-free game recap in record time.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Infectious Diseases

Considering the hard time I give/strong dislike I have for the theatrics of Joba Chamberlain and Jonathon Papelbon, watching Jesse Carlson lose his shit walking off the mound last night made ME lose MY shit. Perhaps the $10 pitchers (Toby's!) played a part in my excitement, but damned if his amplitude wasn't infectious. Pitching out of ridiculous jams will do that.

In the harsh light of day, I began to reflect on how truly antiquated many traditional stats have become. While the closer's job is difficult, these setup men end up losing their minds as the stomp off the field because they are in much more difficult situations. Either that or they know that if they are a serviceable in the 8th inning role for a while, somebody will throw them a bag of cash and a nu metal entrance theme.

The fuck is a save anyway? Waltzing in with a three run lead and nobody on in the ninth? Once the set up man has done all the heavy lifting, the whole Slipknot routine seems a little laboured.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Detroit Rock City

The Detroit Tigers are 4-10 after a blow out victory tonight still sitting last in the AL Central. Many people (including me) believed the Tigers would take the Central. Perhaps not with ease, as Cleveland didn't get any worse, but would probably come out on top in the end. On paper, it would appear they had all the tools to get it done. I know it's early, and they have plenty of time to turn the ship around and runaway with it, however I'm no longer convinced. Here's why:

Aside from Justing Verlander, who's off to a shaky start, they're starting pitching is poor at best. Dontrelle Willis just isn't what he was and isn't going to be again either, Jeremy Bonderman is a sub .500 career pitcher with an era approaching five. Nate Robertson is shockingly the EXACT SAME, and Kenny Rogers is just fucking old. That isn't a recipe for success if you ask me.

With no Zumaya, a 100 year old closer (who's actually been decent in 08) and a suspect pen at best, there aren't a whole lot of guys on the staff that are very good at getting opposing players out. Pitchers need to be able to do that shit in order to have some success.

Gary Sheffield is old and busted. Ivan Rodriguez is....on his way to becoming old and busted. Brandon Inge has had one good season, but so did Erik Hinske. Polonco should be better than he is right now, who the fuck knows if he'll turn it around, though he is capable. Cabrera, Ordonez, Renteria & Guillen are all solid and should have decent seasons. Which leaves you with rookie Clete Thomas who looks good so far, but is a rookie after all.

So is this enough to get these guys to the promise land? It hasn't looked like it so far, and on paper you'd think it is. But the more I think about it, the more I'm of the opinion it's just a lot of smoke and mirrors down in Motown. I could be wrong, and I'm sure I will be, that's just how I see it.

Ceteris Paribus

The Reverend is officially ass busy with the onset of spring and foolish retired people at his club. I however will try and get posts in, though they could be sparse over the next couple of weeks.

Shaun Marcum getting off to this start doesn't surprise me one bit. If you watched enough of him last year, it was clear he had command, the ability to locate along with decent stuff. Last time I checked, that shit wins you games.

As for Eckstein, Wilner does indeed have it right. However he's not pointing out anything that I would hope most Jays fans realize. Take one look down their lineup. It's fairly evident Eckstein isn't one of the better hitters. I would hope there isn't anyone out there thinking otherwise to begin with. There are two things that are indeed true. John McDonald can't fucking hit either and David Eckstein is in fact a better hitter than he is, the numbers don't lie. In no way am I taking anything away from McDonald, who has shown he can play a ridiculous shortstop. I wouldn't have Eckstein batting leadoff either.

If the Jays play as they have been, good things will come.

Alex Rodriguez hit a dinger tonight that had some importance as if I, or anyone really, gives a fuck. The Yanks were up 7-3 going into the top of the 5th and, oops,
gave up 6 runs. Clowns.

UPDATE - Evidently neither of these idiot teams feel like trying tonight as it's
11-9 Yankees after five. Way to play guys.

Fuck everyone, I'm golfing tomorrow.

Mike Wilner - Dan Shulman v2.0

If I was looking for a reason to love Mike Wilner (I already have plenty) I was gifted one via his blog today. He astutely pointed out that David Eckstein is bag of bones with no redeeming value. At least the bones are polished to a shine from all the grit and grinding. In his words, he is one of the Jays worst hitters. You'd have to pretty thick to argue that David Eckstein is anything but the Jays worst hitter. A commenter, in open defiance of logic and anecdotal evidence, questioned Wilner's reasoning. If he is so bad, why is he hitting lead off? Wilner's response was short, sweet and to the point.
Eckstein is batting first because he’s believed to be a legit lead-off man, which he’s not.
Ahhh, that hit the spot. Later on, Wilner hints at his career aspirations, while not looking to bite feeding/aging hands.
I’d love to eventually move into play-by-play, but I’m happy to wait my turn (not knowing if I’ll ever get one). I enjoy doing what I’m doing right now a great deal.
Understandably, his job is one to be envied. Serving up dollops of knowledge and perspective to the myopic Leaf fans that badger him daily can try the patience, but clearly this is the largest fish in our little pond.

Two Wise Men, and in no way offensive
The man that formerly held the title of Guy That is Destined for Big Things: Dan Shulman. The pride of Thornhill worked his way up the broadcasting ladder in a fairly conventional way (aside from studying something worthwhile ie. not broadcasting in university). He was the voice of the Blue Jays on TSN for 7 years before the allure of ESPN's dollars took him south where he does baseball and basketball. He and Buck in the broadcast booth were a pleasure to listen to, despite doing the bulk of their work during lean years in Blue Jaysland.

Wilner, like Shulman, found his way into broadcasting rather than pursuing it via education. So what is next for young Michael? As I stated elsewhere, having seen him on The Grill Room alongside Stoeten of Drunk Jays Fan fame, TV is not out of the question. The only question is where. One hopes that Mike Wilner will have the opportunity to ascend within the Jays organization/media, because if it isn't here it will surely be somewhere else.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Terrible, Tangible Thoughts

Ahead of yesterday's game versus the Borioles, I went looking for an explanation for the Bird's hot start. Nick "Roccopolous" Markakis is off to a good start while Aubrey Huff has been kicking (and painting) asses. I wondered to myself: who hits cleanup on this team? Wait a minute, that says Kevin Millar. Going into last night's game, he had an OPS of .661 with 4 RBI. HA! I scoffed aloud. I was all ready to write a post mocking his continued employment, and the Orioles brief stay atop the AL East.

A funny thing happened on the way to 162 - 0. The apparent Ghostrunner Curse showed its ugly head once more, as Millar went 2 for 4 with a home run and 3 ribbies, much to the delight of nobody's fantasy team. My thoughts turned a pudgy hack into a Blue Jay killer in a matter of minutes!

Shawn Marcum will attempt (hedging!) to befuddle the O's tonight with his greasy charm, while Steve Traschel will lull the Jays into a somnambulant daze. His stuff isn't overwhelming, but he works slowly enough that hitters lose the will to live and give up their disciplined approach.

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Battle for Jamie Campbell's Soul

A busy weekend of sports (team of destiny sets course, middling basketball team loses in Detroit for 1000th time) forced two of this weekend's Jays games from the domestic airways. Thankfully, Rogers offers those of us that offer the blood of their first born every month a respite: out-of-market Jays games as part of a MLB Extra Innings free preview. While not in HD (quibbling), watching the Jays with an outsiders perspective can be interesting. Generally the opposite of poor Jamie Campbell.

The FSN Southwest team of Josh Lewin and straightman/former player X showed us what a true orgy of homerism looks like. Whatever. That seems to be Fox's mandate. But with the Jays sweeping the Rangers, Lewin's attention turned towards the Blue Jays, and it came aboard the good ship comedy. His constant riffing and wisecracking was at best entertaining and at worst out of place. But at least he was doing something. His foil Tom Grieve offered even less than the average Jays colorman, but Lewin just kept the stream of goofy lines coming. That is more than we can expect from Jamie Campbell.

Jamie Campbell has, arguably, the greatest job in the entire world. He graduated from Rye High, no doubt worked his ginger balls off and earned himself a job. He's been doing it full time since 2004 to varying levels of success. Some say he's boring, others say he's incredibly boring, with a firm grasp on the banal. World beater and press box interloper Hale noticed a new wrinkle in Jamie Campbell's arsenal for the 2008 season: unbridled enthusiasm.
Jamie Campbell is attempting to compensate for baseball knowledge with pure enthusiasm and it’s painful. Every time the Jays score a run, he raises his voice to a shout. Right after Wells went yard, Thomas hit one hard but only to the wall and Ramirez’s glove that he went positively ballistic over on contact. Even when you’re sitting in the stands, that’s not cool.
Poor Jamie Campbell can't win for losing. I, here and now, will make a humble suggestion to a man I've never met. Jamie Campbell: Sabermetrician to the Stars.

I know what you're thinking Jamie, Gordy and Dougy from Medicine Hat aren't ready for VORP, they care not for BABIP. They know that Johnny Mac is totally fucking awesome, but they don't stay up nights contrasting which zone rating evaluation system produces the most accurate results. But they will, Jamie Campbell, they will. You can bring them, and us along for the ride. You've got Scott Carson just sitting there. I'm sure he'll be pissed that he can't watch the third season of BSG in the booth, but he'll hold your freckled hand through the hard parts.

Baseball broadcasts are full of meaningless stats, usually based on rarity of occurrence. Somebody says "this clown hasn't accomplished this meaningless feat since this other, more drunken clown did it on this day before the day after forever." It sucks. No one cares.

Would You Bunt This Ball?But that is the beauty of Bill James' world, Jamie. These stats and numbers DO mean something. They prove stuff! They tell the future! They enlighten the past! The world is no longer flat my good man, we live in the golden age. The glorious internet has not only given me a dick joke platform, it has given much smarter people with much more time on their hands a platform. One of mathematics, statistical savvy and virginity. Hard numerical proof is taking over a world formerly dominated by people more superstitious and habitual than a bingo junkie.

Go forth Mr. Campbell, get on Baseball Think Factory, worship at the James alter, join SABR. You can even start with Fire Joe Morgan, the vile VORPies that they are. You can bring it in slowly, introduce new ideas as they come up so not to frighten my mom. You will be ahead of the game, and your cellphone hocking overlords will appreciate your attempts to appeal to a young, hip crowd. It is up to you Jamie Campbell, what do you have to lose? More people watching the games on mute so they can be massaged by Jerry's dulcet tones?

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Phoenix in Flames

Inglett basked in his light, and went on to change the worldA very large, very burly Christ-figure tossed the warm-up ball to a man's man, stuffed a fresh stick of gum into his mouth, and descended from the heavens to anoint the sores on the feet of all men pure of heart and Blue of Jay (?? Just go with it).

This Biblical resurrection goes against the advice of the highly credible unlicensed medical practitioners that congregate in the dark corners of the Blue Jay fandom. Jesus didn't rehab for a year, he went shopping like everyone else on Saturday and was back to work Sunday. I don't think 364 days from injury date to return is unreasonable. Who knew that Dr. James Andrews posted as "Leafs67lolz" in the local chat room.

The enormous smile on Roy Halladay's face indicated to me that this is no small feat among players. Halladay barely cracked a smile after his comprehensive pimp-slapping of the Rangers the day before. The psychological boost from having their massive closer at the back of the bullpen hopefully will buoy the rest of the staff, even though his work rate won't be full blown for a few weeks yet. I forgot how LARGE Ryan is. He could shield the huddled masses under his lats.

There was some scorched earth in the trail of Big Jesus Ryan, as the club sent Brandon League down to AAA to get some work and/or remember how not to look like you'd rather be managing an Office Depot when on the mound. As an unapologetic Lil'Leaguer, I hope this serves as the same type of pant kicking that saw League have a great spring. He was fighting for his job then and looks like he's fighting for one now.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Local Baseball Side Stems Tide, Hope Briefly Restored

An excellent rule of thumb when wading through the interwebs goes like this: The bigger the audience, the worse the commentary. Example 1A and 1B of this depressing phenomenon are ESPN and the AOL Fanhouse. Even the blandest of debates quickly turns into a racial festival of hate or a battle of polemically uninformed opinion.

Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory
Drunk Jays Fans have a rapidly growing readership and have worked hard to achieve it, but of late the gnashing of teeth amongst the commenters is puzzling. The other day some anonymous guy expressed his disapproval with the Jays and their inability to win RIGHT FUCKING NOW. He's been watching this team for years and WANTS THE PLAYOFFS. Who in their right mind feels this entitled to anything? It's baseball man, 9 games into a 162 game season. The sun will still come up tomorrow, the Yankees were 8 games under .500 on May 29 last season, and still won the wildcard. The Jays lost three one run games in a row. Relax.

Somehow, this doomed bunch of selfish pricks managed to coax the Rangers into giving them a game last night. Despite their best efforts, the Jays rapped out 13 hits and managed to weather the Gingerstorm and that of their good for nothing, overrated bullpen to the tune of a 8-5 win.

Oft-injured Roy Halladay goes tonight against some kid named Mendoza. Hopefully Roy can keep his tibias intact this time around. I think we should fire JP because he hasn't found any studs like this young Mexican hurler. I wonder if the popless Jays bats will be able to stay above the Mendoza line tonight. LOL. Anyway, back to the Pro Sports Daily board.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Remember Ed Sprague?

Oh of course you do. He hit one of the more important home runs in Blue Jay history in game two of the 1992 World Series. Top of the ninth, Reardon on the mound...need I go on.

I wonder if he was using a corked bat to hit that dinger?

If you're shocked, clearly you're an idiot.

One of the Fattest States

Coming off a piss poor effort against Oakland, the Jays stroll into one of America's most obese states on somewhat of a low. It's true Texas is home to 5 of the top 14 fattest cities in America, but no matter. Vincent Padilla takes the mound tonight to throw the Jays batting practice in what is sure to result in a Jay victory right? Normally I'd say yes, however last season in their only series at Arlington, they were outscored 21-7 and lost all three games. On top of that, they're only 6-22 in the fat state since the 2002 and have lost 16 of the last 19 games.

For some unexplainable reason, the Rangers are averaging over 6 runs a game at home versus the Jays and have scored more than 10 runs in 5 of these last 19 games. Add to that that the Rangers team ERA has been in the bottom half of the AL every year since 1991 and you get even more fucking confused.

Seems to me the Jays are better than their record indicates and I think most would agree. Shit, it's 9 games in and the panic button shouldn't even be within reach. They were swept by the A's, but were either tied or ahead going into the 9th inning of each game. The Bullpen let them down, and I seriously doubt the trend will continue for an extended period of time. They could have one all three against the idiot Yankees and swept the Sox and here we are.

Playing the Yankess and the Red Sox tough is one thing, and an important part of having a shot at the East, but if you can't beat the teams you're supposed to beat, you have no chance.

Fuck the Ghostrunner Curse.

NOTE - Sager over at another fabulous blog makes some points many fans need to read about the Jays keeping Reed Johnson, well done indeed.

Window dressing

Big fucking news!

Major League Baseball and the Players Union have agree to an "enhanced" drug policy which enacts several "recommendations" made in the Mitchell Report.

It really is a crying shame that MLB is the only professional sport under the microscope on this "so-called" issue and that elected officials STILL have nothing better to do with their...or is it our...time.

If you for some reason would like to read more on this never-ending horseshit, be my guest.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Slow Burn

Faulty Changeup Understandably Krushed
Two consecutive loses of the excruciating order, and the Jays are looking to avoid a sweep against the A's. Shawn Marcum will leave the pajamas in his locker and look for his second win of the season. Once again, the A's will pick an urban outdoor enthusiast out of Parkdale and force him to pitch for some roast beef and a can of Shlitz.

Weren't these the games Halladay demanded the Jays win this year? The Ghostrunner curse rears it's ugly heads once again. As I tagged in my season preview, these shitty west division teams hand the Jays their asses every year. It's pretty much the worst. Even after the A's were attempting to pick up my girlfriend's sister at Century Room Tuesday night, they still outlasted the Jays last night. The Mockingbird shows something is up with Accardo, and it isn't just his delayed fashion sense.

Note: The Mockingbird is required reading at this point. It always has been, though they fall quite short in the dick joke/gay innuendo department. I believe that is much more an indictment of me than them.

Elsewhere Around the League

The Devil Rays continue their hot sta-WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! Does this say that Eric Hinske hit ANOTHER home run? And was hitting FIFTH in the vaunted Rays lineup? Is he now black, as well? Does he live underwater? Does he say badbye?

If anybody needs me, I'm going to put my shoes on my hands before I'm eaten by a hamburger.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Phone Number, Maybe even e-mail?

Either would be great, I need to get a hold of Geddy Lee. I saw him at the first couple of games but noticed he hasn't been at one since. No doubt going downtown to see the horseshit A's is a waste of his time. Least he could do is offer them to Alex Lifeson or some shit. I actually believe he should give them to me, and believe he would should I be able to contact the man. It has been confirmed to me that the two seats in question are his season tickets, so the search is on. Yes, I'm only one man and there are two seats...I'm positive Neil Peart would join me.

Effin eh YYZ.

Update - Someone saw Lee scalping his tickets prior to the game tonight asking $27 a seat. I guess Snakes & Arrows didn't sell the units they thought it would.

Eff the Tee & an early overview

For a notorious slow starter, so far April has been somewhat more productive than usual for Frank Thomas. I'd have put the over under on his 3rd home run coming around July 2nd or something. 10 RBI through 7 games has me equally bonered. In fact, the Jays bats seem to be coming around which, if they keep getting quality starts, will only be a good thing.

Sure Eff the Tee is only batting .240, but that's the equivalent of .350 for him when it comes to the month of April. Aaron Hill is a fucking madman, and will prove my prophecy of a 2008 all-star birth quite correct. It would appear that Vernon Wells will more than improve on the dismal, injury plagued season of a year ago. And Alex Rios will hit .300+ without a problem.

Aside from yesterday's horrible outing, the pitching has been good, which was and is to be expected from these guys. I'm still convinced McGowan and Marcum can both win 12-15 games this season. I pray to Jebus hourly for the day I see B.J. Ryan jogging out to the mound in the ninth inning.

Although it's still early it is important to get big games early and develop some early momentum going into May, and a solid April builds confidence which can't hurt any team. Even great teams can get derailed by horrible Aprils.

I figure if the Jays can find a way to improve on their effort against sub .500 teams, October baseball may not be as far fetched as some people think.

The Weather is Improving

Just because I resemble a rake doesn't mean I canSadly, we won't need our Coats for long. With encouraging reports coming from within the organization (note: this organization is notoriously full of shit, so we will take our daily recommended amount of salt here) regarding the health of Scott Rolen and BJ Ryan, one must conclude that Buckskin Coats' days with the big club are numbered. Which is a shame. He did well in spring training to win himself a job, but figures to be the odd man out once Scott Rolen is ready to end lives and crack skulls at the hot corner.

With the Blue Jays current left field core being charitably described as ancient; Buck Coats has been a pleasure to watch as the de-facto late inning defender. He's played in 5 of the Jays' 7 games so far, but with only 2 ABs to show for it. On Saturday, Dustin Pedroia laced a double to left centre, and Ol'Buck nicely played the carom and fired the ball in to the cutoff man. It took me a second to realize that it wasn't Rios in left, but Buck after all.

His hot spring had the blogosphere digging around the interwebs for skeletons in his closet, only to come up with evidence of him not hitting well at the big league level. Despite his defensive prowess, he isn't likely to derail the Adam Lind OPS Express on its way (back) to the bigs. There just isn't room on this roster for another no-bat gloveman. They've already got the best in the business in that department, maybe he can play left too.

Admit it, you're a little curious

pervin'It's alright, you don't have to come right out and say it. I know what you're thinking. It's cool, I see it all the time.

I've seen a lot of men really, truly, wondering. Questioning themselves and their intentions. Asking why they're thinking these thoughts, how they could be feeling these emotions. I bet you think that you're losing your mind. "Wait??? What was that tingle?? Did it just move? No fucking way."

I can't really blame you. 4 for 4 with a home run? Playing solid defence? Hitting walk-off jacks on your birthday? STEALING FUCKING HOME? Look how fucking pleased I am right now. I just drank Andy Pettitte's milkshake. In a key situation. Oh yeah. I'm paid too. And I try not to be a dick about it.

I play the game "right" but I've also got skill to back it up, ya know. Don't sweat it dude, I won't tell anyone. I'm flattered, but that isn't how I get down. It was weird at first, seeing grown ass men wearing shirts and jerseys with my name on them. But whatever. I try not to let this stuff go to my head.

But I'm in YOUR head, aren't I? It's funny, isn't it? I'm just a regular dude, one that enjoys playing guitar and turning DP's. I don't think any less of you. Hell, even I was once married to a man.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Kindred Spirits

Man, it feels good to be back in Canada. I really appreciate these opportunities to pitch on my home soil. I relish the chance to pitch on national TV, cuz my old high school coach doesn't usually get to watch me play. I should probably loosen up, get ready to get dirty. Should I do some long toss today? The Doc said to take it easy, but my last two starts went really well. Whatever, I'm just straight-up amped to start tonight. Mostly I'm just happy to be back amongst the guys, shooting the shit around the cage.

Who's pitching for them? AJ Burnett! Damn, he's good. He's got lights-out type shit. I remember Mike Piazza telling me that he's one of the best he's ever faced. I wonder why he hasn't won more games. I should go over and talk with him.

Yo AJ! What's up brother? Looking good man. Yo, don't shake my hand, could tear my labrum right in two. Lolz! How are you feeling this year? Yeah dude, me too. In Japan I had a blast, so many girls in skirts, it was siq. For sure, I'm glad the season started too. It does seem a little long, I think a little vakay in the middle is a great idea. 35 starts?? That is like 5 years work man. I know dude, if I make 5 starts or 50, I still get paid the same! Hilarious.

Alright man, what do you think, Europe this June? Hahah, sounds good. Owww, shit dude! I'm all for clownin, but that Charlie horse hurt! Damn man, no fucking way am I pitching tonight.

Monday, April 7, 2008


I tried and I tried but I just couldn't find the Johnny Mac play from the weekend sweep of the scum sox to post for all to see over and over again. Sure he K'd three times and steam rolled Vernon, but I don't think there are many, or any other shortstops who make that play.

Free Johnny Mac.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Hurry Hard!

The Wrench approves!I didn't see today's game, but Josh Beckett's obesity came oozing through Gamechannel. Roy Halladay gave up an alarming number of (solo) home runs, but F the T picked him up with a grand slam in the fifth. And it was a fastball! Which missed by a foot. But still, he hit it a long ass way. He was rewarded with a curtain call and an entire wild boar on the post game spread. Just for him. No sharing with Matt Stairs or nuthin.

One glaring negative for the Jays were the season-high four runs allowed today. Wait, four runs total? Jesus, the pitching has been retarded. They have given up 17 runs in 6 games against the Yankees and the Red Sox. Jeremy Accardo picked up the perspiration-scented save. He allowed the tying run to come to the plate, but had the good fortune of it being Julio Lugo. Game over Dr. Strangeglove

John McDonald received a day pass from Eckstein hell, and did Johnny Macish things. He drew a walk(!), made a ridiculous play and nearly killed Vernon Wells. Sounds like a good day at the office. In the media scrum following the game, Gibby said Eckstein had the day off because of a Lollipop Guild union meeting this afternoon.

Following Up

So I'm a bit late with this, and started a post the night of the home opener. Reading it the following morning however, I realized that it was lacking in any sort of continuity and was all the fuck over the place. It may or may not have had something to do with the value priced beer at the Rogers Center, who knows?

Everything has basically been said about the game so I'm not really going to add a whole lot more because if it indeed has been said, no doubt it was said better. Although I was briefly entertained by the clowns who ran onto the field with two out in the bottom of the ninth, I must concur with the team over at DJF with regard to the lack of thought on their part prior to doing so. I'm also confused as to why the crowd decided to boo when the security fellas decided to cover up the broad's top half. Clearly, they were either not looking at the chick, or drunker than I was. Finally, not sure who the brilliant fan was that decided that it was time to start littering the field with garbage after Bonnie and Clyde were escorted off the field, but they should probably be beaten. I know there was a lot of Irish Scum there and no doubt they were tossing water bottles onto the field as their Sox were losing but they were not alone. If you're at a game and suddenly have the impulse to throw an object/garbage onto the field, stop and think of what a douchebag you are before doing it. Clearly you shouldn't even be at the game, and should be punched in the throat. You are not a fan, rather an idiot.

Halladay VEEE Beckett today = Good effin Game.