David Purcey, welcome aboard! Making your Major League debut tonight? Exciting innit? You've been lights out in the minors this year and the club expects big things from you. Here, try on this Gina Jumpsuit, it's Flashback Friday so we need you to look your best.
Here, Professor Arnsberg wants to go over the scouting report with you. I know, there sure are a lot of right handed hitters in this lineup. Yes, we are well aware that you throw with your left hand. Any chance you could change that in the next few minutes? No? It's alright, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Yeah, that does say Miguel Cabrera. You're right, he is a fat bastard, but he's only added 200 points to his slugging percentage, 100 to his average and 60 to his OBP this week. Don't worry, he's due to regress back into his slump. Edgar Renteria IS old, you're right. Ignore his career OPS+ of 125 against left handed pitching, it's a mirage. Magglio didn't win the batting title last year, that was a misprint. It was actually...uh...Ichiro. Yeah, Ichiro. Son of a bitch wins it every year.
Alright rook, you ready? At least the roof is open tonight! That will keep the ball in the ballpark. At least it should help. Just give us 5 and will call it even. Dear god why can't Halladay pitch every day?