Monday, April 14, 2008

The Battle for Jamie Campbell's Soul

A busy weekend of sports (team of destiny sets course, middling basketball team loses in Detroit for 1000th time) forced two of this weekend's Jays games from the domestic airways. Thankfully, Rogers offers those of us that offer the blood of their first born every month a respite: out-of-market Jays games as part of a MLB Extra Innings free preview. While not in HD (quibbling), watching the Jays with an outsiders perspective can be interesting. Generally the opposite of poor Jamie Campbell.

The FSN Southwest team of Josh Lewin and straightman/former player X showed us what a true orgy of homerism looks like. Whatever. That seems to be Fox's mandate. But with the Jays sweeping the Rangers, Lewin's attention turned towards the Blue Jays, and it came aboard the good ship comedy. His constant riffing and wisecracking was at best entertaining and at worst out of place. But at least he was doing something. His foil Tom Grieve offered even less than the average Jays colorman, but Lewin just kept the stream of goofy lines coming. That is more than we can expect from Jamie Campbell.

Jamie Campbell has, arguably, the greatest job in the entire world. He graduated from Rye High, no doubt worked his ginger balls off and earned himself a job. He's been doing it full time since 2004 to varying levels of success. Some say he's boring, others say he's incredibly boring, with a firm grasp on the banal. World beater and press box interloper Hale noticed a new wrinkle in Jamie Campbell's arsenal for the 2008 season: unbridled enthusiasm.
Jamie Campbell is attempting to compensate for baseball knowledge with pure enthusiasm and it’s painful. Every time the Jays score a run, he raises his voice to a shout. Right after Wells went yard, Thomas hit one hard but only to the wall and Ramirez’s glove that he went positively ballistic over on contact. Even when you’re sitting in the stands, that’s not cool.
Poor Jamie Campbell can't win for losing. I, here and now, will make a humble suggestion to a man I've never met. Jamie Campbell: Sabermetrician to the Stars.

I know what you're thinking Jamie, Gordy and Dougy from Medicine Hat aren't ready for VORP, they care not for BABIP. They know that Johnny Mac is totally fucking awesome, but they don't stay up nights contrasting which zone rating evaluation system produces the most accurate results. But they will, Jamie Campbell, they will. You can bring them, and us along for the ride. You've got Scott Carson just sitting there. I'm sure he'll be pissed that he can't watch the third season of BSG in the booth, but he'll hold your freckled hand through the hard parts.

Baseball broadcasts are full of meaningless stats, usually based on rarity of occurrence. Somebody says "this clown hasn't accomplished this meaningless feat since this other, more drunken clown did it on this day before the day after forever." It sucks. No one cares.

Would You Bunt This Ball?But that is the beauty of Bill James' world, Jamie. These stats and numbers DO mean something. They prove stuff! They tell the future! They enlighten the past! The world is no longer flat my good man, we live in the golden age. The glorious internet has not only given me a dick joke platform, it has given much smarter people with much more time on their hands a platform. One of mathematics, statistical savvy and virginity. Hard numerical proof is taking over a world formerly dominated by people more superstitious and habitual than a bingo junkie.

Go forth Mr. Campbell, get on Baseball Think Factory, worship at the James alter, join SABR. You can even start with Fire Joe Morgan, the vile VORPies that they are. You can bring it in slowly, introduce new ideas as they come up so not to frighten my mom. You will be ahead of the game, and your cellphone hocking overlords will appreciate your attempts to appeal to a young, hip crowd. It is up to you Jamie Campbell, what do you have to lose? More people watching the games on mute so they can be massaged by Jerry's dulcet tones?

1 comment:

  1. Hahahahaha....that was so damn hilarious. Oh my. (I mean the "world beater" part, I sorta lost interest after that because numbers are so boring).

    "Hard numerical proof is taking over a world formerly dominated by people more superstitious and habitual than a bingo junkie."

    Is a great point. Brian Bannister and his ruthless acceptance of BABIP eventually coming back to bite him in the ass does not belong in the same world as Frank Thomas changing helmets so he might run into a few more fastballs. Storm's a coming, get inside.


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