Thursday, April 24, 2008

Check, Please!

Habsrunner On First

I never really liked baseball anyway. So boring, such a long season. I'm really supposed to invest myself in one hundred and sixty two games? I'm going to steal the Mockingbird's shtick for a second and completely refocus.

Why? ALEX FUCKING KOVALEV is why. If he was any more of a man, I would burn a police car in demonstration of my undying love. I'm digging out the Russ Courtnall jersey from my parent's place tomorrow. There is no stopping them, you made a terrible choice Daniel Briere.

Sleepwalkers in Last

I never really liked baseball anyway. The Toronto Blue Jays are bound and determined to strike me dead. Walks, tantrums, Golden Boy Aaron Hill botching a would-be double play to the tune of 2 runs. The hand ringing is growing loud, but the date is April 24th. I'm not sure what that is supposed to mean, but I just keep telling myself it's April. The 24th. Deeeeeeppp Exhale....whooooooohhhh

Birdkiller on Mouse

I never really liked baseball anyway. The Jesus Rays are quickly pushing me over the edge towards a serene lifestyle of cottaging, MMA, and heavy drug use. Their success can only mean my failure. It isn't as though they are actually good, they simply met the Jays at the optimal time. Despite this man's gloating insistence, the Shitske wagon will crash and burn in spectacular fashion. Going against type, I will give credit to Evan Longoria for being the real deal in every single way possible. He dared the Jays to get him out all week and then dared me to make a cheap, easy Tony Parker joke. We both took a shot to the face like the girl from your high school that decided to move to LA because it was her destiny. Sadly she thought it was fame, and not a stage name, that awaited her.

Lifesaver on Third

I never really liked baseball anyway. Luckily, Scott Rolen loves baseball, charity work and his role as the Omega Man. Scott Rolen (h/t DFJ) will strap on his cape and ride his majestic steed into Kansas City, carrying the hopes and dreams of Blue Jays fans everywhere tight to his bosom. There he will smite offending RISP's, boost meager slugging percentages and re-cure polio.

Druguser in Left

I never really liked baseball anyway. That is completely untrue. I've loved baseball my whole life. And who was my favorite player growing up? Barry Bonds. I have 2 (two) 2 Barry Bonds posters (one Pirates and one Giants) that adorned the walls of my room, two different Pirates hats and a Pirates jersey! I have defended him (no drugs in the world will make you hit .370) and even wrote (drafted) a letter to be sent to Three Rivers Stadium. But I don't think he is the answer for the Blue Jays. Not that I don't want to see him as a Blue Jay, it's just that I don't want to see him as a Blue Jay. It doesn't make sense, but he is 43 years old and public enemy number one. The media attention may just expose the Jays as another underachieving ballclub with a lackluster......

1 comment:

  1. I agree with your solutions entirely, except I don't have a cottage and am not 100% sold on MMA.


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