Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Blue Jays Offence Hijacked, Somali Pirates Suspected

DISNEYFUCKINGLAND - The Toronto Blue Jays continued their mediocre run of play with a 6 -4 defeat at the hands of Eric Hinske and the Mouseketeers. The Jays scored 4 runs (two unearned) with a Vernon Wells home run the only highlight. In a desperate attempt to "manufacture" some scoring opportunities, Shannon Stewart and his .600 OPS were slotted into the number six spot. Designated hitter and proud owner of one extra base hit this season Matt Stairs brought his Punch and Judy approach to the third spot in the lineup. Curiously, team OPS leader and two-time all star Alex Rios was found sweeping sunflower seeds in the dugout rather than playing.

The only rational reason for this anemic output by the Blue Jays offence is pirates. Somali pirates. Realizing that the Gulf of Mexico offers far more obese tourists than the Gulf of Aden, the modern-day swashbucklers headed around the horn to Florida. There they found a bounty of wealthy ballplayers with their offensive outputs ripe for the picking.

The Jays organization made a largely ceremonial gesture in recent days, sending Frank Thomas off the plank amidst much fanfare in an attempt to appease the bloodthirsty butchers. The meager output of the Toronto side must be an attempt to keep the pirates at bay, in exchange for the release of their women and children.

Not a single member of the incumbent pirate organization in the Caribbean Sea was available for comment on this invading menace, as reports surfaced indicating the bulk of the group were attending a Bette Midler fanfest in Atlantic City.

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