Friday, April 18, 2008

When Free Baseball Goes Horribly Wrong

Dozing on the couch, having just enjoyed (?) Anthony Hopkins' scenery inhaling performance in The Bounty on Bravo, I was given a gift greater than the out of left field islander boobies that pleasantly burst onto my screen via Mel Gibson's love interest. I flipped over to The Score, hoping to avoid being assaulted by hockey highlights for long enough to see some baseball scores. It was the usual hockey orgy, with stories of Ray Emery getting shit on for being black being run out of town preempting baseball highlights. On the ticker though, I saw something that blew my mind: SD 1 COL 1 TOP 22. No I fucking didn't. It is 4:15 AM, and I am seeing things. Understanding that competence occasionally wanes in Cabbieland, I sought out a more credible source of information. After restarting my computer, it turned out to be true. The time was 4:19AM, and people were still playing baseball somewhere.

We still rule the night and will feast on the flesh of the bullpenThat is a beautiful thing. Naturally, as is my luck, the game ended about 38 seconds later, so my late night live blog idea was out the bloody window. Troy Tulowitki drove in the winning run IN HIS EIGHTH AT BAT OF THE GAME. A game this long always has the potential for something super wacky to go down. Like a position player pitching or the bullpen coach umpiring or the grounds crew using their rakes to defend the stadium from the impending zombie apocalypse. Nothing even remotely as cool as a zombie apocalypse happened, in fact this game was scoreless until the fourteenth inning. Scoreless. No scoring. For 14 innings. Then BOTH teams scored in the 14th, so they had to play 8 more innings before someone scored again. Almost another full game. Without scoring.

I don't know if that makes me want to laugh or cry. Fourteen scoreless innings is enough to make even the modest ardent purist long for the steroid addled days of Sammy and Mark. Both of these teams have to play on the road tomorrow (tonight? Friday we'll say) which should just go as wins for the D Backs and Astros without any question.

Full credit to AP writer Bernie Wilson for firing off this quote-free game recap in record time.

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