Fun with the TV Production Truck

Smart enough to stay away from the FOX broadcast of the All Star festivities, I smartly and luckily chose the international feed. O Canada started playing and something strange happened to my TV. Somehow I was getting the banter between the TV truck and the camera operators broadcast into my home! What fortune! Here's what transpired:

Producer: Okay, as soon as the schmaltzy video piece is finished, we're going to the Canadian anthem. Who's singing it?

Lowly PA: Um, nobody. It's a recording.

Producer: What? Fuck me. Meh, I'm sure we can fill the time somehow, just get me some shots of smug self-righteousness and clo&mdash OH NO!! THE PLAYERS ARE MINGLING WITH THE COMMON FOLK!! HOW WILL WE KNOW WHO'S WHO???? THIS IS TV CHAOS!


Producer: Oh sweet Jesus the players are randomly strewn across the field. ACK! The song's starting. Quick, get me a shot of the Canadian flag!

[Cameramen vainly search stadium, finally spot one underfoot]

Producer: Christ, gimme a shot of Bay or...or...the other one? You know, the guy with the hair and the brain-injured monotone of a hockey player. This is hell, honestly. Fucking Canada. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?????

Camera Guy A: I've got a nice shot of Halladay in the bullpen, he plays in Canada.

Producer: Mutherfucking right! Take it and push in after 30 seconds. HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING SONG?? Anybody else???

Camera Guy B: I've got the side of some dude's face. I think it actually might be Morneau. Let me pan acr&mdash

Producer: NO TIME! Shit, is that him there??? ZOOM THE FUCK IN!!!! I need Canadians!!! Damn their oily-but-unfailingly-yet-somehow-disingenuously-polite hides! They're so bland and nondescript: they blend right in!

Camera Guy C: I think I've Jason Bay, or it could be a security guard. Perhaps a volunteer or...

Producer: Just get it up on the damn screen! Is that him? He looks like mayonnaise might give him an ulcer, that's GOT to be Jason Bay.

Camera Guy D: Boss, I've got a nice shot of Aaron Hill, he also plays for the Ja&mdash

Producer: Who? Might as well frame-up a shot of Jeter's crotch; more people have seen that damn thing up close than Aaron Hill.

[we stand on guard....for....theeeee]

Producer: That was a living nightmare. I can't wait until we annex their asses.

Of Eggs and Omlets

Ho Hum, another day, another victim.

Sure, everyone said the right things in the aftermath. But you know what really happened, don't you? You think I do anything "mutually?" I don't even know what "amicable" means. It is my way or the fuck you way. Publicly bad-mouthing me and the team? That sort of contempt is off the charts, and will be dealt with one way - harshly.

My job is to make the team better. A open sore in the clubhouse and a hole in the middle of our my lineup doesn't make anything better. I told him I wasn't going to play him everyday, and he didn't think that would work for him. Clearly he now knows who his daddy is, and what it means not to work. I save the bosses $10 million bucks next year, and every single motherfucker in the clubhouse knows who is the HNIC. Who knows how I'll spend that free money? You better believe that it will be some mind-blowing, next-level shit.

I know that Thomas will get his, but I don't care. I need production now. I've got this kid I DRAFTED murdering the ball, dying to get back to the show. I've had my talons into this kid since he was 21, so he knows the face of God and who makes the sun rise and fall. Pressure on the kid? Pressure?? This is the big fucking leagues, pressure doesn't mean a gotdammed thing. Real pressure is convincing some clown's wife that the foursome was her idea, and making my wife think it's no big deal.

What the fuck did you just say? Bonds? As in Barry Bonds? You think I want to bring that circus to town? There already is a ringmaster for this show, and there is only room in this organization for one massive, swollen head.