Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Fun with the TV Production Truck
Smart enough to stay away from the FOX broadcast of the All Star festivities, I smartly and luckily chose the international feed. O Canada started playing and something strange happened to my TV. Somehow I was getting the banter between the TV truck and the camera operators broadcast into my home! What fortune! Here's what transpired:
Producer: Okay, as soon as the schmaltzy video piece is finished, we're going to the Canadian anthem. Who's singing it?
Lowly PA: Um, nobody. It's a recording.
Producer: What? Fuck me. Meh, I'm sure we can fill the time somehow, just get me some shots of smug self-righteousness and clo&mdash OH NO!! THE PLAYERS ARE MINGLING WITH THE COMMON FOLK!! HOW WILL WE KNOW WHO'S WHO???? THIS IS TV CHAOS!
Producer: Oh sweet Jesus the players are randomly strewn across the field. ACK! The song's starting. Quick, get me a shot of the Canadian flag!
[Cameramen vainly search stadium, finally spot one underfoot]
Producer: Christ, gimme a shot of Bay or...or...the other one? You know, the guy with the hair and the brain-injured monotone of a hockey player. This is hell, honestly. Fucking Canada. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?????
Camera Guy A: I've got a nice shot of Halladay in the bullpen, he plays in Canada.
Producer: Mutherfucking right! Take it and push in after 30 seconds. HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING SONG?? Anybody else???
Camera Guy B: I've got the side of some dude's face. I think it actually might be Morneau. Let me pan acr&mdash
Producer: NO TIME! Shit, is that him there??? ZOOM THE FUCK IN!!!! I need Canadians!!! Damn their oily-but-unfailingly-yet-somehow-disingenuously-polite hides! They're so bland and nondescript: they blend right in!
Camera Guy C: I think I've Jason Bay, or it could be a security guard. Perhaps a volunteer or...
Producer: Just get it up on the damn screen! Is that him? He looks like mayonnaise might give him an ulcer, that's GOT to be Jason Bay.
Camera Guy D: Boss, I've got a nice shot of Aaron Hill, he also plays for the Ja&mdash
Producer: Who? Might as well frame-up a shot of Jeter's crotch; more people have seen that damn thing up close than Aaron Hill.
[we stand on guard....for....theeeee]
Producer: That was a living nightmare. I can't wait until we annex their asses.