Monday, July 6, 2009


Sooo, this weekend series isn't going well. At all. The Yankees welcomed the Jays into their new home just like I was welcomed into mine: poorly.
  • I started the lawnmower only to see a damn snake emerge from the motor housing—Johnny Damon takes Halladay deep to win Saturday's game. Both unsettling and scary.
  • A bird shit on my person as I "pulled weeds" or "stood around feeling completely overwhelmed"—BJ Ryan is paid to throw baseballs professionally. Both cruel and unnecessary.
  • The Rogers guy and I follow wires around my new basement (before I actually moved in) when suddenly a makeshift bong and "funk gun" fall out of the dropped ceiling—Brett Cecil loses the ability to throw strikes. Both embarrassing and avoidable.
  • A groundhog of Caddyshack proportions lives under my shed—Hideki Matusi's bulbous skull suddenly houses a working, sentient brain. Both maddening and right the fuck out of left field. Even worse: I have a shed.
It is all quite frustrating. It sucks even. Worse than the clearly vermin-infested exurbs. Not even the sight of MOS DEF at Bay and Wellesley yesterday could assuage this awful feeling I have: the Jays season is now done, leverage-wise.

All is not lost though! Adam Lind is putting on a damn show for his future Yankee employers from the middle of the Jays lineup. I could actually hear Iracane drooling and it wasn't from a grilled chorizo. Scott Rolen extended his hit streazzzzz and the poor Jays bullpen shakes and shudders but will not (completely) fall. League, Camp, and Carlson all have FIPs under 4, only Camp's ERA is in the same neighbourhood.

The All Star break can't get here fast enough. The Jays have some decisions to make as they could figure into the trade market significantly. Could they trade Brian Tallet as frequent Jays referencer John Paul Morosi suggests? They very likely could, but who else? Morosi hints that any number of bullpen arms could be on their way. Jeremy Accardo for a quad-A roster filler to be named later sounds about right. Frasor's value will never be higher than right now, which I have mixed feelings about. The Sausage King is one of the longest tenured active Blue Jays, a fact that means next to nothing to me. The potential exists for him to one day become wildly overpaid like Justin Speier. Until that day; pity the poor Sausage King. He's basically a homeless guy who's slept on the same street corner for years. Transient permanence.


  1. Lloyd, I love your work, man.

    Long live the Sausage King. (Although if he's traded to Chicago, that would be pretty hype.)

  2. A makeshift bong? Made from whaaaaaat?

    Also: Snakes?! I don't have many of those on my balcony... Which overlooks the city. The suburbs can be hard on us hipsters.

  3. Drew, this is a very, very good post. Even better because it's true.

    Man, home ownership's a trip. Snakes! Mice! Raccoons! Squirrels! And somehow, according to my wife, it's my job to kill all of 'em.

    Our last house was in the country... blessed solitude. Now we're in town, people everywhere! I miss the snakes.

    Go Jays.

  4. I think it's supposed to be good luck when a bird drops ass on you.

  5. ^^ then let's stuff a flock of pigeons full of chili and position them directly over center field at the 'Dome....

  6. Things can only go UP from here, right?

  7. this is clearly punishment for moving to the 'burbs. although a random bong appearance sounds fun.

  8. If random bongs makes appearances in Orangeville, fuck the snakes, I might have to move there.

  9. Orangeville? Random bongs are probably the least of it.


Send forth the witticisms from on high