I've Known a Lot of Girls Before, What's the Harm in Knowing One More?

Let me be the first one hundredth person to welcome new Jays manager John Farrell to the fold. May his reign of terror be brutal and sweeping, ridding the land of entitled waste.

I can't pretend that I have any insight into the managerial acumen of John Farrell, aside from the various quotes and notes culled from the greater Citosphere. The Tao awesomely linked (via Twitter) to a Farrell slurp piece from 2006, when the new Jays headman was set to join the Red Sox as pitching coach.

Let's re-purpose a "telling" quote from said MLB.com article. If you want to get a sense of Farrell's managerial approach, replace all instances of "pitcher" with "players." It's all about efficiency, really:

"I look forward to the challenge of building a relationship with individual pitchers and ultimately getting them to reach their fullest potential, which many have; obviously, their track record speaks for itself in many cases," Farrell said. "I think there's a core group of young arms that are in the transition stage and beginning to establish themselves at the big-league level."

The press conference scheduled for today gives the new field boss opportunity to spit more bland platitudes while paying lip service to the rigors of competing in the AL East.

In fact, ahead of today's grand unveiling, let's play the Managerial Press Conference Drinking Game! Any time one of these shopworn clichés make an appearance, fire up an adult beverage. Note: take the rest of the day off.

• We Know We're In Tough - in which the manager praises the divisional rivals without laying down for them.
  
• Winning Culture: Expect to be told that second place isn't good enough. Expect The New Manager to disavow any knowledge of the Wild Card. "We're tying to win the division and ultimately the World Series."
  
• I Didn't Come Here To... - I expect the good doctor Farrell to instruct us over and again that he didn't come here to pad his resume and happily accept third place moral victories.
  
• We're Gonna Do Things a Little Differently - That's a guaran-damn-tee! It doesn't even matter what he's referring to, there's a great chance Farrell will swear up and down that things are going to run differently. Unless...
  
• Not Here to Re-Invent the Wheel - Perhaps a backhanded compliment to the outgoing King, Farrell will praise the Jays prodigious power and acknowledge the achievements of last year's squad. This line of attack gives opportunity to praise Alex Anthopoulos and the scouting team not to mention spout out his own working knowledge of the Jays current roster.

If this all sounds a little cynical, you'll have to forgive me. Watching Ron Washington and Bruce Bochy lurch their way to the World Series only cements that much more deeply that the whole "managerial thing" is sort of a sham. It's the GM's world; The Manager, however iconoclastic, is just living in it.

Synergistic image courtesy of the AP and Daylife

Cynical Staredown

Is it more cynical of me to want to shoot holes in all the Back2Back weekend horseshit or them for doing it?

Is the level of faith moving into this season so low the team feels the need to roll out the fluffy old bones of Kelly Gruber, Jimmy Key, and Joe Carter to keep us plebes interested? What gift is usually associated with a 17th anniversary? Gold? No. Paper? No. Must be horseshit.

Am I just looking for something to complain about? Am I a terrible person for not caring, AT ALL, about seeing 50 year old guys that were good when I was a kid?

What the fuck is a Fanfest? Will I get to meet Scott Rolen? Why won't Doc return my calls? Does it hurt when you rape a corpse?

I have so many questions, there are so few answers.

Smoke and Mirrors Continue to Yield Surprising Results

Somehow, someway, Jesse Litsch is 6-1. He pinkly and efficiently did his best Roy Halladay impression today, entering the ninth inning having only thrown 81 pitches. Apparently, he broke Jimmy Key's team record for innings without a walk. I think I just broke my own personal record for incredulity. That and words posted without a dick joke.

I'm not afraid to admit that I was wrong about Jesse Litsch. It would also seem that everyone's favorite whipping boy Lenny and Holly Gibbons was right. 23 years old without any real time at AAA, he seems to be figuring this out. His splits and peripherals from this year look similar to Shaun Marcum's last year. Few walks, prone to the long ball but very solid for the back of the rotation. I sense that facing the Royals is good for what ails you, and is a great way to earn your first career shutout. Their offense is even more inept than the Blue Jays, giving the Jays bullpen the weekend off and generally behaving in a KC Royals-ish fashion.

The Jays offense put up 13 runs in the last two games, but my glee is tempered by the manner they've scored them. Friday night seemed like slap-singles that came in bunches, with only one extra base hit all night. Today, they were buoyed by 8 walks and Brad Wilkerson striking a blow for a free Acholiland with a grand slam in the first. Lyle Overbay picked up three walks and an RBI, while issuing a stern fuck you to any remaining doubters. Scott Rolen defiantly stared at the sun, waiting for a demonstration of who and what runs the show on this or any planet. It blinked and bowed.

I don't want to dismiss this offensive "outburst", but I'll wait until they put up some runs against a real team. This streaky bunch will drive us all mad this year, waiting for the hits to come in bunches, leaning heavily on the out of this world pitching staff. The dreaded West Coast road trip looms after this weekend jaunt to Windsor Castle. The Yankees should have reeled off about 12 straight wins by the time the Jays roll into the world's most famous garbage dump.