Breakfast Balls

Probably my favorite part of golf (aside from the golfing) is the lexicon. The never-ending dictionary of off-the-cuff phrases and terms that add a certain colour to the proceedings — the more cryptically embedded the better.

A "breakfast ball" is a first tee mulligan, part of the ever popular "hit til yer happy" philosophy made famous by all golfers big and small. Breakfast balls are often a by-product of "shop swings", a rusty gate of a pass made after a long day standing in the pro shop hitting on cart tarts of dubious age working hard at making the joint run properly. A poor shop swing elicits a breakfast ball and a better result is sure to follow. The first tee jitters are gone, as are the delusions of grandeur and even par.

Your Toronto Blue Jays have no need for breakfast balls, as the serening effect of one Dwayne Murphy sends them to the plate with the happiest of thoughtholes. Blue Jays batters stroll to the plate with no fear of hack-happy first pitch swings, as the punishment is usually a pat on the back. The result of this approach: a truck full of first pitch tater tots.



Call me crazy, but Vernon Wells's ability to get on top of high fastballs ranks him as "special talent" in my book. Anybody that can do that when healthy is bound to struggle when they aren't. He's the kind of natural athlete who does stuff most of us can only dream of when his body lets him. He isn't going to suddenly develop a normal, human approach when he has a bad shoulder or wrist. Thus, the struggles.

As for the rest of them - the words "get me over" have no place in the minds of pitchers who dare oppose the Jays. My heart looks at all those cookies down the middle and says "Fuck yeah! Tear into that weak first pitch nonsense!" but my head isn't so sure. It is difficult to argue the results right now but a second trip through the league might go very, very differently.

But who cares? This wild run involves lots of quick jolts to get your attention, just a like a first pitch tater tot. Maybe it won't change; the Jays see the most first pitch strikes in baseball if you can believe it. Maybe this aggresive approach is the new moneyball - guys with no sense or concern for the strike zone certainly come cheaply. Get'em by the bushel. Give me home runs or give me death!

Image courtesy of Mad Baker, pitch F/X from Joe Lefkowitz

Black Tie Knife Fight

So JP's done and Cito isn't far behind him. Right? Right. The search for a new GM to accompany the new president is surely in full swing. The mold for baseball GM's broke long ago, thankfully and seamlessly moving from wizened former player to learned young wunderkind. JP was a little from column A and a little from column B to predictably (and contentiously) mixed results, so what direction is Rogers likely to go?

If we step back and think about it, the concept of former athlete turned front office honcho is bizarre approaching idiotic. One need only consider the recent downfall of one Wayne Gretzky or the hilarious travails of Isiah Thomas and, to an extent, Larry Bird to see that entrusting minimally educated athletes with multi-million dollar enterprises is about the worst business decision one can make. The rise of Daryl Morey and even BC as smart guys with experience beyond the insular walls of professional sports. Only the NHL, pathetically and predictable, fails to break up this old boys circle jerk and examine the games with a slightly more educated eye.

The next step, logical or otherwise, is an on-field manager with no practical baseball experience. Moneyball first introduced the concept of manager as player-coddling parrot of the front office, an idea that continues to gain ground in the book's seismic aftermath. That said, so much armchair managing is predicated upon the poor, misguided choices of a manager with friends in one corner of the clubhouse and enemies in the other.

I don't mean to suggest that leathered asses and sun crisped skin has no place on the game or in the dugout, nor do I mean to come off as some kind of anti-populist wannabe. But if you are heading up a massive corporation (like Rogers) and have an incredibly large amount of money invested in a not-so profitable arm of the business (like the Jays) wouldn't you want to hire the best people but also the people most likely to give you an edge? When was the last time you saw a company give one of the most important roles to the guy who started out mopping floors (so to speak) and worked his way up to a comfortable role? No way. Jobs like that go to high-pedigree whiz kids with drive, determination, and everything to gain.

Maybe that's a little extreme, a bit too much to ask. A big part of baseball is surviving the sturm und drang of the regular season. What about, rather than having a second wizened baseballman sitting beside the head wizened baseball man, bring in a game theory math whiz. Immerse the nerd in the game, but have him bring some crazy, off-the-wall thinking that the bunters would never see coming.

Would it work? Probably not. The chances of 25 baseball players giving a single ounce of credibility to pencil-pusher B Math are pretty much nil. But, for teams like the Jays, the status-quo isn't going to make get them where they want to go either. Why not do something ridiculous? They have less to lose than they think.

Tomorrow Starts Today - Opening Day Redux

Today is the first day of the rest of your life Adam Lind

Cito Gaston, heeding the sage advice of every Jay-watcher this year, has pledged to play Adam Lind pretty much every day. After his 12 pitch battle-come-dinger into orbit, all signs point to him "getting it" this time around. And by signs, I of course mean hope. He isn't going to solve the punchless Jays problems alone, but getting league-average or better production out of left field is certainly a start.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life Joe Inglett

How does starting second baseman for a month sound? How does number 2 hitter sound? Joe Inglett reminds me a lot of Mark DeRosa, and I mean that in a complimentary way. His bat and versatility should keep him in the big leagues, but lack of a "true position" may hold him back. As I said before, he's earned himself some more playing time.

Cito has said he's going to hit Overbay either 2nd or 5th, so here's hoping both players make his mind up for him. If each man makes the contribution they are capable of (no small feat this year), I like Overbay 5th and the Doctor 2nd.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life Adam Dunn

Perhaps not. After responding to JP's comments in the calm and calculated manner of a man lacking passion, Adam Dunn makes his first visit to Twoonieland. The Tao send him a big, sloppy kiss with mending fences in mind. Sadly, I can't see Uncle Ted cutting a big enough check to Git'r Dunn. If only there was a sudden infusion of cash that Rogers could count on in the coming weeks...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life Joey Votto

Not really, today is simply the first day you will be bombarded by "hometown boy makes good" questions from local hacks desperate for a lazy angle this week. Joey Votto is clearly a stud, going off like a cannon to the tune of 7-12 with a home run at Yankee Stadium. Of course the Jays could use that kind of pop in their lineup. Of course he'd love to come home and play for the Jays. Of course it won't happen until 3 years too late.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life Cito Gaston

Jeff Blair said it on Sunday; but now that Cito and the Jays are at home, with a day off to collect themselves, we will get a real sense this club's direction. Looks like Inglett is hitting second once again! Scutaro is leading off, Lind ninth?!? If you insist Cito. Go on with your bad self. Eckstein now feels the same way about Cito as I do about Eckstein. No one could ever accuse him of not making his mark on the team. With a few weeks to go before the All Star break, Cito does still have time to rejuvenate this team. Is this what hope smells like?

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - NL East

A simple equation for season preview success:

Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!

Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Up first, the National League East.

	New York Mets - The Strokes
	The Mets look the part: they've got the expensive clothes, the art school pedigree, and they whole world is their's for the taking. But like Julian, they'll fuck it all up and waste their days chasing the dragon.
	Philadelphia Phillies - The Roots
	The Roots are the band that everyone really LIKES to like. They look cool, "play instruments", and only minimally scare white people. Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard are obviously Black Thought and ?uestlove in cleats. The Phils won't win enough games and the Roots won't sell enough records to make it to the next level.
	Atlanta Braves - Ludacris
	The Atlanta Braves won this division every year for 14 consecutive seasons. They have a built-in national TV deal. Ludacris has sold more than 13 millions albums. He was in the most overrated movie of all time. The Braves had a hard time selling out playoff games at the end of their run. Ludacris placed a sopping wet stamp on his fourth record in the form of an "Austin Powers-inspired song". Ubiquity has its price.
	Washington Nationals - Minor Threat
	"Make do with what you have, Take what you can get. Pay no mind to us, We're just a minor threat"
	The Nationals are the ship of lost souls. Minor Threat are fucking awesome.
	Florida Marlins - Cat Power
	The old adage "you can't tell the players without a program" surely applies to this bunch of nobodies. These kids will be all over the place, lots of talent but many tears for Hanley Ramirez, the Best Player in the National LeagueTM. Like Cat Power, they'll likely space-out during games, and be noted for their unprofessional and/or "improvisational" style. And Josh Willingham will get drunk before games. He's just that kind of guy.

Feel free to offer your suggestions or tell me that I'm an idiot in the comments. Look for a new division each coming Thursday until the season starts. Send us your roommates/brothers/theguythatworksinthewarehouse's band if you think they should represent the Jays.