- Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
Up first, the National League East.
Feel free to offer your suggestions or tell me that I'm an idiot in the comments. Look for a new division each coming Thursday until the season starts. Send us your roommates/brothers/theguythatworksinthewarehouse's band if you think they should represent the Jays.
|New York Mets - The Strokes|
|The Mets look the part: they've got the expensive clothes, the art school pedigree, and they whole world is their's for the taking. But like Julian, they'll fuck it all up and waste their days chasing the dragon.|
|Philadelphia Phillies - The Roots|
|The Roots are the band that everyone really LIKES to like. They look cool, "play instruments", and only minimally scare white people. Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard are obviously Black Thought and ?uestlove in cleats. The Phils won't win enough games and the Roots won't sell enough records to make it to the next level.|
|Atlanta Braves - Ludacris|
|The Atlanta Braves won this division every year for 14 consecutive seasons. They have a built-in national TV deal. Ludacris has sold more than 13 millions albums. He was in the most overrated movie of all time. The Braves had a hard time selling out playoff games at the end of their run. Ludacris placed a sopping wet stamp on his fourth record in the form of an "Austin Powers-inspired song". Ubiquity has its price.|
|Washington Nationals - Minor Threat|
|"Make do with what you have, Take what you can get. Pay no mind to us, We're just a minor threat"|
|The Nationals are the ship of lost souls. Minor Threat are fucking awesome.|
|Florida Marlins - Cat Power|
|The old adage "you can't tell the players without a program" surely applies to this bunch of nobodies. These kids will be all over the place, lots of talent but many tears for Hanley Ramirez, the Best Player in the National LeagueTM. Like Cat Power, they'll likely space-out during games, and be noted for their unprofessional and/or "improvisational" style. And Josh Willingham will get drunk before games. He's just that kind of guy.|