Thursday, February 21, 2008

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - NL East

A simple equation for season preview success:
    Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Up first, the National League East.

New York Mets - The Strokes
The Mets look the part: they've got the expensive clothes, the art school pedigree, and they whole world is their's for the taking. But like Julian, they'll fuck it all up and waste their days chasing the dragon.
Philadelphia Phillies - The Roots
The Roots are the band that everyone really LIKES to like. They look cool, "play instruments", and only minimally scare white people. Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard are obviously Black Thought and ?uestlove in cleats. The Phils won't win enough games and the Roots won't sell enough records to make it to the next level.
Atlanta Braves - Ludacris
The Atlanta Braves won this division every year for 14 consecutive seasons. They have a built-in national TV deal. Ludacris has sold more than 13 millions albums. He was in the most overrated movie of all time. The Braves had a hard time selling out playoff games at the end of their run. Ludacris placed a sopping wet stamp on his fourth record in the form of an "Austin Powers-inspired song". Ubiquity has its price.
Washington Nationals - Minor Threat
"Make do with what you have, Take what you can get. Pay no mind to us, We're just a minor threat"
The Nationals are the ship of lost souls. Minor Threat are fucking awesome.
Florida Marlins - Cat Power
The old adage "you can't tell the players without a program" surely applies to this bunch of nobodies. These kids will be all over the place, lots of talent but many tears for Hanley Ramirez, the Best Player in the National LeagueTM. Like Cat Power, they'll likely space-out during games, and be noted for their unprofessional and/or "improvisational" style. And Josh Willingham will get drunk before games. He's just that kind of guy.
Feel free to offer your suggestions or tell me that I'm an idiot in the comments. Look for a new division each coming Thursday until the season starts. Send us your roommates/brothers/theguythatworksinthewarehouse's band if you think they should represent the Jays.

1 comment:

  1. Minor Threat are fucking awesome...I'll be requalling with some posts soon...tied up the past bit. VVV VVV


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