Thursday, February 28, 2008

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - NL Central

A simple equation for season preview success:
    Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

This week's installment, the National League Central

Chicago Cubs - Kanye West
Hype pays. Just as Kanye manages to back up the whirlwind of talk, bravado, and generally insane behaviour with solid releases and excellent production; this edition of the Chubbies will improve thanks to Japanese imports and Ryan Dempter's expulsion. 100 years and counting. Don't hold your breath.
Cincinnati Reds - 98 Degrees
98 Degrees were huge in Canada but hardly sold any records stateside. The Reds are an equally small fish in a ridiculously small pond, playing in a joke of a ballpark with little regard for the mental anguish it causes their pitching staff. They are a popular darkhorse in a pathetic division, but that isn't enough to get them into the post-season.
Milwaukee Brewers - Violent Femmes
Say what you want about the quality of the Femmes body of work, their b-sides or their back catalog. They are known for one song, and one song only. 2007 was the Brewers' Blister in the Sun. They dashed out of the gate, built a huge lead, then faltered and were exposed. Expecting them to rebound hinges on two stud/kid starters, but even they can't make up for the inclusion of the Jeff Suppans and Dave Bushes of the world.
Houston Astros - The Sword
I should be taking this opportunity to make a dozen obvious steroid jokes or wonder aloud about how this team make up for all the missing "hustle" now that Biggio is gone, but I won't. I will instead take the time to express my excitement over the new Sword record, due for release on April 1st. They aren't even from Houston, but fuck it the Sword rules. Sabbath reincarnate, new record of doomy greatness.
St Louis Cardinals - Son Volt
I really hate alt-country. Spare me your (irony alert) horseshit about the heartland and living off the land. You listened to Slipknot in high school but now -post liberal arts undergrad- Subsistence farmer! Fuck that. The Cardinals are an absolute mess. Whoever would have thought that a team owned and branded by a booze company would be associated with rampant alcoholism? Welcome to heaven Mr. Rolen.
Pittsburgh Pirates - Anti-Flag
Dear Mother of God is this a bad team. And there is no band in the entire world worse than Anti-Flag (though their website is kickass. Plug.) Jason Bay is Canadian blah blah blah. This team playing in this ballpark is an affront to all that is just in the world.
The National League is an utter joke. The Jays would win 100 games in this division. This will suicidally manifest itself in a certain losing interleague record this season. If they miss playoffs because they can't seem to beat AAAA teams, I'll cry.


  1. this ballpark: Body Suit Man spotted in the crowd.

  2. What about American Music?

  3. Fair enough. Add it up is also a great song. Neither are nearly as well known as Blister in the Sun though. Dave the Wendy's guy would agree.


Send forth the witticisms from on high