Jays, Rays Continue Huge Series in Toronto

The first place Tampa Bay Rays and the closer to last place than third place Toronto Blue Jays continue their pivotal yet meaningless series at the Rogers Centre tonight. The Jays come in on a hot streak, having defeated two of the worst teams in the American League in 6 of their last 9 games. Jays fans remain confident that their team can continue to climb the standings, in spite of the sheer quantity (not to mention the quality) of teams above them.

Jays GM JP Riccardi has been quoted in recent days saying the team will not trade AJ Burnett, and was unlikely to make any moves at all. He even trotted out Swirsk the Monkey to repeat his "we like our team line" until every last journalist had tuned him out. Despite having functional veterans such as David Eckstein, Gregg Zaun wasting away on the bench and non-functional veterans like Kevin Mench playing odd days, the GM insists that this is his team. One he's confident will continue to sell tickets well into September.

Jays Brass Look to Doubleheader As Opportunity To Increase Lie Output Twofold

Sunday's rainout lead to a paucity of official misdirection from the Jays front office, but they've outlined Monday's traditional doubleheader as a chance to make significant gains. "It's simple math" Jays GM JP Spicoli Riccardi explained. "If we tell twice as many half-truths, they have to add up to one whole truth, don't they?" JP managed a self-satisfied smirk when asked about the condition of Injured Player Y. He then presented the press corps with a monkey trained in sign language, the newest addition to the Jays public relations team. "We call him the Swirsk, and he's going to handle the bulk of my PR work from now." the GM announced. The monkey promptly took the podium and informed the puzzled scribes of Vernon Wells' injury status, the challenges with Jeremy Accardo's arm and an excellent recipe for Eggs Benedict.

Manager John Gibbons looked frustrated and annoyed with the prospect of using twice as many clichés and making twice as many excuses for his teams offensive failures. "Managing the bullpen becomes the real challenge." Gibbons confessed. The Jays manager's annoyance only grew when he was informed that managing the bullpen during regularly scheduled games was technically still his responsibility. When hitting coach Gary Denbo was asked about the prospect of the team's average with runners in scoring position sinking twice as much in only one calender day, the coach dashed from the room, shouting "they'd have to get on first!" before hiding in the trainer's room. Denbo was later found in the fetal position under a massage chair, reading up on careers training monkeys in sign language.