Sunday, May 11, 2008

Jays Brass Look to Doubleheader As Opportunity To Increase Lie Output Twofold

Sunday's rainout lead to a paucity of official misdirection from the Jays front office, but they've outlined Monday's traditional doubleheader as a chance to make significant gains. "It's simple math" Jays GM JP Spicoli Riccardi explained. "If we tell twice as many half-truths, they have to add up to one whole truth, don't they?" JP managed a self-satisfied smirk when asked about the condition of Injured Player Y. He then presented the press corps with a monkey trained in sign language, the newest addition to the Jays public relations team. "We call him the Swirsk, and he's going to handle the bulk of my PR work from now." the GM announced. The monkey promptly took the podium and informed the puzzled scribes of Vernon Wells' injury status, the challenges with Jeremy Accardo's arm and an excellent recipe for Eggs Benedict.

Manager John Gibbons looked frustrated and annoyed with the prospect of using twice as many clich├ęs and making twice as many excuses for his teams offensive failures. "Managing the bullpen becomes the real challenge." Gibbons confessed. The Jays manager's annoyance only grew when he was informed that managing the bullpen during regularly scheduled games was technically still his responsibility. When hitting coach Gary Denbo was asked about the prospect of the team's average with runners in scoring position sinking twice as much in only one calender day, the coach dashed from the room, shouting "they'd have to get on first!" before hiding in the trainer's room. Denbo was later found in the fetal position under a massage chair, reading up on careers training monkeys in sign language.

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