Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jays Glad to Have Wilkerson, Uganda Glad to Have Civil War

In an article posted on the official website, John Gibbons expressed his delight with Brad Wilkerson's contribution to the team. The Jays head man was quoted as saying "I like everything about him" and that they team had "been winning with him here." Reporter David Singh withheld Gibbons complete statement, omitting the words "in spite of" and "his overcooked fusilli bat makes Rios look like Stan Musial" from the surprisingly breezy chat the two had over tea. Gibbons noted that his teams offensive failure has completely obscured his continued mismanagement of the bullpen from the public eye. "When most fans look up and see that Brad isn't even hitting weight, they boo him. They don't even consider the guy that puts him in the position to get the most plate appearances on the team." When reminded that Wilkerson is, in fact, not even SLUGGING his weight, Gibbons spit his cup of West Texas Cough Medicine all over his desk. Laughing out loud, Gibbons clucked his tongue and noted that Wilkerson picked up some winter weight after his reintroduction to the Canadian climate, making slugging his weight a much greater accomplishment.

Ugandan political officials noted Gibbons tactics seemed sound. They admitted that the ongoing civil war and instability in the southern regions often distracted the international community from continued civil rights atrocities and famine that have racked the country for years. John Gibbons offered no comment on the Ugandan situation, saying he didn't really know anything about it and thought it best to reserve comment. He grew increasingly uncomfortable with the line of questioning, saying that comparing a war-torn country to a baseball team is offensive bordering on disgusting.


  1. Wilkerson is garbage, but managing the bullpen is the one thing that Gibbons is doing well.

  2. As the official spokesman for the Lord's Resistance Army, I'm not in the least offended by your comparison between our civil war here in Uganda and the human rights disaster in the Rogers Centre.

  3. Right on cue, Brad Wilkerson has decided to be awesome and hit a grand slam. Though not from the leadoff spot.

  4. hahahaha, Good Game Brad.
    You still suck.


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