Hardcore Haberdashery

Though it's been a while since any Jays news moved me (apparently I've been writing for the AV Club under the pseudonym "Jason Heller"); a recent twitter back-and-forth between yours truly and the class of the Blue Jays blogosphere focussed on hats and logos and shook me from my doldrums. The Tao, as you may well know, is a dyed in the wool blue loyalist, wearing his black hat hatred with as much pride as his anonymity. Myself, I'm decidedly on the other side of the fence. I quite enjoy the black hats. I own three different versions of the same cap, one purchased every other year since 2005.

These three hats are the only pieces of Blue Jays (or non-soccer jersey) sports memorabilia I own*. My quest for complete ironic detachment prevents me from wearing a baseball jersey in public and team sanctioned merchandise (Property of...my balls) is generally gaudy and, well, uncool. I was in Asia when the Jays made the switch and I bought up the new black hats as soon as I returned to Canadian terra firma. Why did I wait? I don't really like blue hats. There, I said it. Especially the two shittastic logos they rolled out over the preceding 5 years.

Yes, they're the Blue Jays so I suppose they're hats should be blue. But that doesn't mean I have to wear a blue hat. Let's look at what's available down ye ole hatshoppe and who might be in the market for such goods.

If you own this hat, there's a better than average chance you love Cito implicitly. You appreciate the corporate tie-ins from days gone by for their simplicity and upfront honesty. You enjoy the traditional logo and the traditions it represents. You hate the brown stains (or "stink lines") that creep through the white front as you sweat out a Jason Frasor save attempt on Flashback Friday. Especially if you're Jason Frasor.

Brim Curvature? 60% of owners will curve the brim in a tasteful manner, 30% leave it flat for the modern throwback look, 10% bend it severely.

This hat is awesome in that it embodies everything that is awful and unfair in the world. The hideous, arbitrary color scheme coupled with quite possibility the cheesiest logo of all time? Where do I sign? Hey, it's even on sale and can be mine for the low, low price of $27.99? Bonus.

Let's talk about that logo for a second? What the fuck was going on in the late nineties that we needed everything to be cutesy and cartoonish? What a nightmare. If you own this hat, we can never be friends.

Brim Curvature? Nil, at least not applicable. No single person on Earth ever has or will purchase this hat. It is an abomination, the perverse lovechild of ill-advised marketing and poorly conceived branding all in one. May God have mercy on our souls.

When looking ridiculous just isn't enough, why not reach for the hat that proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you're from Oakville. Generally worn precariously perched atop of the head of someone who loves buying shoes on eBay and outlandishly coloured hoodies, this hat is another sure sign that your slow march towards old age and death is well under way. Asking the wearer of this hat to name a Blue Jays player is likely to result in head-scratching (don't knock the lid!) and a sentence that starts with "Shhiitttttt, I dunno..."

Brim Curvature? Are you kidding? The sticker might come loose!

These all blue numbers &mdash like your kid sister's chronically undersized dorm twinbed&mdash definitely get slept on by more than one Jays fan. It represents a particularly dark time in Jays history and is washed from our minds by the garish wave of red that followed. If you rock one of these, there is a good chance you know what the fuck is up. You also remember the negative side of Cito and are nonplussed that he's sticking around. We could definitely hang out, just don't tell your sister.

Brim Curvature? Absolutely. Without a doubt. Sweat stained to the core and proud of it.

What an odd combination. The all white says "I enjoy wearing linen pants and drinking on chartered boats that circle Toronto Harbor until a fight breaks out; causing the barely-seaworthy craft to gun it for Scarborough, where the totality of its passengers live. Also, my hat features a logo created over a smoke break by someone in merchandising who needed to increase sales by 3% to activate a bonus."

Brim Curvature? Doubtful. This is the kind of hat that is worn once and promptly lost or stolen. Pay if forward.

If you wear the awful red and blue hat, we can't be friends because I won't be seen in public next to that monstrosity. The modern hats, while not blue, are pretty awesome. The logo is no great shakes but it doesn't embarrass itself or you by wearing it, something we can't exactly say about past designs. So go ahead, rock an old school blue and white or a modern logo upstart. Just don't bring them together, the results could tear the style-time continuum!

* - I do own a Carlos Delgado bobblehead that I picked up on the eve of Alex Rios's big league debut. They didn't give them away that night, but I had an acquaintance in the ticket office whom I got acquainted with off and on for a while. They hooked me and El Leal up with Delgado bobbleheads though I soon after ceased acquainting said acquaintance.