I think I can help young Alex. He just needs to make a few slight adjustments to his delivery and style, enough to keep the teeming masses sated a while longer. We really want to believe in you Alex, meet us half way.
- Grow a Filthy Beard. The first step in your development is to grow a long, mangy beard. A good beard can both disarm and engage. Right now, you're far too fresh-faced. The other GMs see this as weakness. You can't up your cragginess to J.P. levels overnight, so why not cover your youthful visage in a swath of wiry hair?
The inane ramblings you're famous for spewing will instantly transform into cryptic soothsaying or downright madness. Is he dancing his way around this straight forward yes-or-no answer or reciting the lyrics to Helter Sketler backwards? Either way, there will be a lot more tea leaf-reading and far fewer glazed-over beat writers waiting for you to finish. Plus, you're Greek! You can probably grow an hearty beard between now and your next appointment on Santa Beeston's lap.
- Distance yourself from Cito. Holy crap, this will work wonders! The further you keep your wheelings and dealings from the bizarre workings of The Manager, the better. Cito stepped into The Manager's chair as all of our benevolent black dad, a kindly face from the past with little in way of ill will. Now he's a marketing nightmare dressed up as a hopelessly out of touch baseball dinosaur.
I'm not suggesting your replace him as manager (actually, I am) but if you're going to keep him around, DON'T LET HIM IMPACT PLAYER DECISIONS. Managers fall victim to their own cronyism far too often, bringing in old buddies or the guy that killed them that one time based on foggy memories. The team needs your bearded, passionless hand making difficult decisions. Like when to pull the plug on The Manager.
- Enough with the Howard Hughes routine. Absconded in your hotel suite, refusing to shake hands out of fear of filthy, filthy germs? Playing a bizarre game of hide-n-go-seek with the local media? You're a baseball man. Grab yer chaw, grab yer dipcup and sit yerself down for a good ole chinwag. Your distinct lack of swagger is going to cost you, my friend. You have the swingingest dick of all, the best pitcher in baseball. Get out there and network! Press the flesh! Obviously keep the nitty gritty details close to your vest, but show these teams you aren't afraid to get out there and get grimy.
- Flesh out your entourage. The life of a baseball GM is surely a lonely one, so you need a crew to enhance your swagger and show the league you and the Blue Jays are for real. Sure, Theo and Cashman have their lieutenants, but you the Jays need to roll even deeper to make an impression.
Having Handsome Tony Viner at your side is never a bad thing, but may I recommend a large, silent goon? A strapping man wearing sunglasses indoors is sure to draw attention, especially when his vibe is all "I know you're watching me but I don't even care." I know the perfect guy! From your Expos days, Frank Robinson! Noted hardass? Check. Baseball man? Check. Possibly beef with Cito? Why not? Frank Robinson hates EVERYBODY! What better way to send a message to the baseball world than have Frank Robinson standing silently beside you? You can't lose!
These are merely guidelines Alex, a jumping-off point to reform your public image. Another good way would be saying something of substance EVEN ONCE in your life. Failing that, rock the beard. Build your clique. Perfect your pimplimp. Just make sure you make your mark on this baseball team. In a hurry if possible.