Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Alex Anthopoulos versus Euclid

No matter how many reassuring words we read about the pedigree of one Alex Anthopoulos, I can't help but worry he's already losing the optical battle. While surely not a major concern of his during the winter meetings, AA sends out a high volume of mixed signals via his Wall of White Noise PR approach. While the constant babble of non-committal "no comments" may play it safe, it isn't doing a damn thing for hard-up masses itching for a look at the next phase of the plan.

I think I can help young Alex. He just needs to make a few slight adjustments to his delivery and style, enough to keep the teeming masses sated a while longer. We really want to believe in you Alex, meet us half way.

  • Grow a Filthy Beard. The first step in your development is to grow a long, mangy beard. A good beard can both disarm and engage. Right now, you're far too fresh-faced. The other GMs see this as weakness. You can't up your cragginess to J.P. levels overnight, so why not cover your youthful visage in a swath of wiry hair?

    The inane ramblings you're famous for spewing will instantly transform into cryptic soothsaying or downright madness. Is he dancing his way around this straight forward yes-or-no answer or reciting the lyrics to Helter Sketler backwards? Either way, there will be a lot more tea leaf-reading and far fewer glazed-over beat writers waiting for you to finish. Plus, you're Greek! You can probably grow an hearty beard between now and your next appointment on Santa Beeston's lap.

  • Distance yourself from Cito. Holy crap, this will work wonders! The further you keep your wheelings and dealings from the bizarre workings of The Manager, the better. Cito stepped into The Manager's chair as all of our benevolent black dad, a kindly face from the past with little in way of ill will. Now he's a marketing nightmare dressed up as a hopelessly out of touch baseball dinosaur.

    I'm not suggesting your replace him as manager (actually, I am) but if you're going to keep him around, DON'T LET HIM IMPACT PLAYER DECISIONS. Managers fall victim to their own cronyism far too often, bringing in old buddies or the guy that killed them that one time based on foggy memories. The team needs your bearded, passionless hand making difficult decisions. Like when to pull the plug on The Manager.

  • Enough with the Howard Hughes routine. Absconded in your hotel suite, refusing to shake hands out of fear of filthy, filthy germs? Playing a bizarre game of hide-n-go-seek with the local media? You're a baseball man. Grab yer chaw, grab yer dipcup and sit yerself down for a good ole chinwag. Your distinct lack of swagger is going to cost you, my friend. You have the swingingest dick of all, the best pitcher in baseball. Get out there and network! Press the flesh! Obviously keep the nitty gritty details close to your vest, but show these teams you aren't afraid to get out there and get grimy.

  • Flesh out your entourage. The life of a baseball GM is surely a lonely one, so you need a crew to enhance your swagger and show the league you and the Blue Jays are for real. Sure, Theo and Cashman have their lieutenants, but you the Jays need to roll even deeper to make an impression.

    Having Handsome Tony Viner at your side is never a bad thing, but may I recommend a large, silent goon? A strapping man wearing sunglasses indoors is sure to draw attention, especially when his vibe is all "I know you're watching me but I don't even care." I know the perfect guy! From your Expos days, Frank Robinson! Noted hardass? Check. Baseball man? Check. Possibly beef with Cito? Why not? Frank Robinson hates EVERYBODY! What better way to send a message to the baseball world than have Frank Robinson standing silently beside you? You can't lose!

These are merely guidelines Alex, a jumping-off point to reform your public image. Another good way would be saying something of substance EVEN ONCE in your life. Failing that, rock the beard. Build your clique. Perfect your pimplimp. Just make sure you make your mark on this baseball team. In a hurry if possible.


  1. AA sounds like the one guy in the parable of the talents.

    Next move: bury Roy Halladay in the backyard.

  2. The Robinson idea is strong, but wouldn't you be worried about him nodding off at random times like he was known to do in the dugout?

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  4. He'd only have to make a few public appearances and walk the lobby. Just show up and look hard.

  5. I was actually wondering what Alex would be drinking when he went out to meet with the baseball people at the hotel bar...and sadly, my mind's eye saw a club soda and cranberry.

    And that's not to disparage club soda or cranberry juice, because they are amazingly awesome together of separately...but I just want to think of Antho downing some ouzo or a tasty bourbon and telling stories of his days working for that jackhole dickweed Jim Beattie.

  6. BTW Drew: How is the double-whammy of the Roy Halladay Sweepstakes and the Carlton Cole Sweepstakes affecting your holiday spirits?

    Junior Stanislaus = Brett Cecil.

  7. As long as Scott Parker and Adam Lind are in place, I'll survive. I won't like it, but I'll be okay.

    Zavon Hines = Marc Rzepczynski.

  8. Cito stepped into The Manager's chair as all of our benevolent black dad, a kindly face from the past with little in way of ill will. Now he's a marketing nightmare dressed up as a hopelessly out of touch baseball dinosaur.

    This belongs in the history books. Fucking nails.

  9. My biggest concern is that if AA never leaves his room, how is he going to deal players like Overbay, Downs, E5, etc. His comments that there are about 5 or 6 players that are getting repeatedly asked about aren't surprising, in fact, I bet they are the following:

    - Mark Rzepczinsky
    - Roy Halladay
    - Adam Lind
    - Travis Snider
    - Brett Cecil
    - Aaron Hill

    Get your ass out of that room and start selling teams on the guys they don't really want, and/or find out what young studs are available.

  10. Not to be all stage dad-ish, but I guarantee people are asking after Brandon League. They always do.

  11. Growing a beard should not be a guideline. It should a rule. For everybody.

    Also, in addition to the hardass, I think AA needs a crazy guy in his entourage. I'd love to have someone like Bill Lee spewing incredibly sane insanity about the Jays on a daily basis.

  12. Sorry infieldfly, that beard rule doesn't apply to Asians. Half the time, I'm jealous of Alex Anthopoulos. And he doesn't even have a damn beard.

  13. No way! A wispy Asian guy beard would help AA even more!

  14. "There's absolutely no way you can go barreling into second and dump a guy on a double play, like you should do, when you've been fraternizing with him before a game."

    That drove me nuts about Delgado. Every time a latin player on the other team drew a walk or singled, they were smiling and laughing it up at first base.

  15. Man, this is a great, funny and TRUE article. BUT YOU NEED A COPY EDITOR, or a good peer edit, or a basic FUCKING PROOF READ.

    The grammar/spelling mistakes turn this A+ into an A-, and that's a SHAME.

  16. 1. Ask Uncle Ho if beards on Asians work.

    2. Carlton Cole going to Arsenal will bring West Ham to its only logical conclusion, Zola scoring on the last day of the season to avoid relegation.

    3. AA should hire Vinny Jones and Suge Knight. Jays front office sorted. No more Halladay trade.

  17. 4. Fuck you anonymous.(the second one)

  18. YEAH, he needs to learn WHERE THE CAPS LOCK button is. And take it OFF.

  19. No, anon is right. There is nobody more acutely aware of my typographical shortcomings than me. It drives me crazy. I write mostly at work now, so I've got one eye over my shoulder and one eye on the clock, but there's really no excuse.

    At least at Walkoff Walk I have the keen eye of Iracane to hold me mind. This is a one man show, and that man's copy is dirty like his balls. I apologize and vow to be better in the future.

  20. The scary thing is your suggestions probably would help from an optics standpoint. As lame and pretentious as swagger is, it never seems to hurt. If you want an insane guy that also could stand there and look just plain nasty, may I suggest Mike Tyson? I don't think he's too particular about what he does for money and barely makes sense at the best of times...


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