By Hook or By Crook

I started a new job this week; a job that finds me at home more often than not. While that hardly makes me a businessperson, at least I'll be eligible to live blog today's Jays/Angels contest! Dirty Texan John Lackey against Hipster Doofus Brian Tallet. THE BATTLE FOR AUSTIN'S SOUL!!!! Be here at 12:37 peoples.


Pointless Update #1 Would I? WOULD I!! Are we giving tours of the Brandwagon's back seat already? He wuz a surferboi. H/T to Big League Stew, they've got video!

12:25: Lineups! Aren't we lucky, Vernon Wells gets the day off.

Your Blue Jays M. Scutaro ss A. Hill 2b A. Rios cf A. Lind lf K. Millar dh L. Overbay 1b J. Bautista 3b R. Chavez c J. Inglett rf

The Angels C. Figgins 3b E. Aybar ss V. Guerrero dh T. Hunter cf J. Rivera rf K. Morales 1b M. Napoli c R. Quinlan lf H. Kendrick 2b

Thoughts? BOOOO WE WANT ROLEN. More thoughts? The Jays send three consecutive hitters with the first initial 'A'. INCISIVE ANALYSIS BITCHES.

12:30: Starting for the Halos is John Lackey, a man wise enough to get thrown out of his first start of the year after two pitches.

12:35: More hard-hitting analysis: the Jays really don't want to lose this game. The Royals won't roll over for them, and then the Jays make their annual death march to Texas. A good month of June starts and ends this week.

12:37: The roof is open and they're ready to go! Brian Tallet faces Chone Figgans to start the game. Just throw strikes man.

12:40: Figgans works a work after falling behind 0-2. He fought off some good pitches but walks against this popless bunch of ninnies isn't a good plan.

12:43: Figgans does indeed suck. He needs to hear it early and often. Tallet gets ahead of Erick Aybar and repeatedly checks in on Chone at first.

12:46: Aybar grounded out with Figgans on the move. The Jays get the force at first but Figgans is on second for the Ghost of Vlady.

12:47: Fucking smallball horseshit. Figgans takes off for third prompting Bautista to break for the bag. Vlad drags one through the new-found hole and Chone trots in easily. FML 1-0 Halos. One on for Torii "Don't Call Me Vernon" Hunter

12:50: Goddamn Vlad steals goddamn second base. Chavez's throw goes into centerfield but Vlad's pooped and not going anywhere else.

12:51: What the fuck! Hunter lines the ball into left field, allowing Youppi's brother to score from second. 2-0 Angels for Juan Rivera with one down.

12:52: It would seem the entire Angels lineup is hustling shit bags. Hunter steals second, their third of the inning. Juan Rivera then bounces a double into the seats along the left field line. 3-0 Angels, Tallet's in trouble.

12:55: Hey, look at that! An out! Morales grounds out to short weakly for the second out. Rivera moves to third for some greasy catcher.

12:57: The greasy catcher in question strikes out to end the inning. Balls. The Jays are down 3 but I get to watch bail bond commercials from California so it's not all bad.

1:00: Scutaro works a full count before grounding one towards right field. Strugglebot Howie Kendrick sort of collects and and throws on to first for the first out. Scutaro hasn't been hitting it hard when I've been watching.

1:02: Aaron Hill grounded out faster than he learned to play Layla. Two down.

1:04: I can see this is going to be a productive afternoon. Rios is frozen by a fastball that looked 6 inches inside. Inning over, suffering's just begun!

1:07: Tallet starts well against hustling shitbag Robb Quinlan. He sure ran his white ass to first trying to combat the inevitable. Tallet responds by walking number 9 hitter who should be sent down Howie Kendrick. Fuck.

1:10: Hoo-ray. The Jays finally retire Figgans. Someone should tell him he sucks. Two down for Aybar.

1:11: Adam Lind, you magnificent bastard. Lind makes a meal out of a high fly ball to left field, but eventually makes an awkward catch. Whatever, inning over! 3-0 Devils

1:22: What I miss? Well, Adam Lind hit a ball to left center for a base hit, followed by a meager Millar pop out. Lyle Overbay hit a ball a tonne to centerfield which Torii Hunter eventually collected. Jose Bautista struck out and the inning was over just like that. Boo.

1:31: Stay single forever.

1:35: Soooo, Joe Inglett got a hit and Brian Tallet calmed down. Ignore Aaron Hill's double play. Didn't happen. Top of 4, 3-0 Halos

1:38: Calmed down like a fox! Tallet walks Morales to lead off the inning. The Angels color guy just stated "Facebook is awesome." I may be old...

1:40: Tallet strikes out the greasy catcher, his fourth of the afternoon. Against three walks. Ugh. One down in the fourth.

1:42: Robb Quinlan? Honestly?? Base hit to left field, a hard hit ball at that. Two on for Howie Kendrick. Now's the time Brian.

1:45: Weird. Scutaro goes into the hole to grab Kendrick's bouncer. His only play is to third, where Bautista should've been. He was in the area but still opted to tag out Morales during a force play. Whatever. Two down.

1:47: Goddammit Figgans. Base hit to centre field scores Quinlan and puts runners on the corners. 4-0

1:50: A shot of Dirk Hayhurst warming up is all it takes to get Tallet back on track. Aybar strikes out to end the inning. Playing with fire is over for now. Four zip.

1:55: Not enough candy for Alex this morning. He's down on strikes for the first out. Good thing Adam Lind is awesome! He drives the ball over Juan Rivera's head for a double that should have been an out. RISP!

1:57: Kevin Millar: born in California, lives in Texas, pines for Boston. He's a complex dude.

1:58: Well shit, if that isn't a run I don't know what is! Millar hits a grounder to third, deep enough to advance Lind. Lyle Overbay lines it right in front of the fumbling Rivera to plate the Jays first run!! Woo and hoo. 4-1 Angels.

2:00: The shine is off the Bautista rose. He sucks. Inning over. But one crossed.

2:02: Vlady leads off by squibbing one off the end of the bat to Hill at second. One out for Tallet, who's pitch count grows.

2:04: Tallet strikes out Hunter for the second out. His ability to miss bats should keep him in some team's rotation, if not the Jays. The Juan Rivera Fielding Experience steps in to justify his spot in the big leagues.

2:08: Maybe not a starter, as he clearly struggled during the first two innings. Bring in Camp or Frasor for the first two and bring Tallet in to close the door! A ground ball ends the inning.

2:10: Raul Chavez has done a backup catcher's work as the back up catcher. Actually he's done less cuz Barajas leads the league (or is right near the top) in innings. Chavez picks up a lead off single to bring up Doctor Joe Inglett.

2:11: Poor Inglett, he hasn't had much chance to succeed this season. From being hurt to being at the far end of the bench, there isn't much he can offer. He flies out here for the first out. Scoot Scoot Scutaro's bizarre bat steps in.

2:13: Torii Hunter is an idiot. Despite what the broadcast team says, he doesn't make it look easy, he makes it look hard. He turns a routine fly ball into an over-the-shoulder catch then spins and wings the ball back to the infield. I don't think catcher Raul Chavez was going to tag and go to second. Jackass. Two down for Hill.

2:15: Aaron Hill is the anit-PPA. He immediately grounds out to end the inning. Balls. 4-1 Angesl headed to the 6th.

2:17: Brian Tallet and his 100 pitches are still out there. Morales flies out for the first out. But Mike Napoli the greasy catcher gets the greenlight on a 3-0 pitch and drives it over the wall in left centerfield. That sucks. 5-1 Halos

2:20: The Halos unveil their new catcher:



2:21: Suckbag Howie Kendrick bounds out to Bautista to end the inning. The Jays really need to get into the grief-stricken Angels bullpen. They'll have another shot at Lackey in a few.

2:25: The Angels make a couple defensive moves; bringing in Gary "LOLswings" Mathews to play right field moving Rivera to right. Alex Rios strikes out for the third time to lead off the GD inning.

2:26: Adam Lind remains now and forever awesome. His third hit of the day is another double, this time to the right field corner. LEAVE HIM FOURTH CITO. But don't ever, ever, ever hit Millar fifth again. He boinks one off the first base bag for the easiest put out of Morales's career. Two down.

2:28: Overbay's 60 foot bouncer to Lackey ends the inning, yet my life continues on unabated. Something's wrong headed to the seventh. Balls.

2:30: Hey Hayhurst. He's smart, funny, and mop up-py. Good for him, I mean that. Apparently he's a real prince. Just about anything he does today will bring down his career big league WHIP of 2.22. That's just ugly.

2:32: Merry Christmas Dirk! Your first American League strikeout comes against Chone Figgans courtesy of the home plate umpire's flight out of town. A gift low and away for the first out. The second K comes right away off Erick Aybar is legit!! Two down for Vlad.

2:33: Welcome to the American League Dirk. Vlady nearly kills Hayhurst with a missile back up the box. He's on first for Torii Hunter, who singles right away.

2:34: Once again, fuck the Angels. They run themselves out of the inning again. Vlady tries to go first to third on Joe Inglett, who's accurate throw is cut off by Hill in an attempt to catch Torii Hunter. Hunter tried to sneak into second base on the throw but he's called out for being off the baseline during a brief rundown. Inning over, career WHIP falling! We're stretching! Your stretch music is Toronto's Fucked Up covering LA's Black Flag with Keith Morris providing the vocals. Enjoy.



2:38: Jose Bautista works a walk against the "cruising versus anybody but Lind" John Lackey. Raul Chavez stands in and hopes for the best.

2:40: Could this be a rally? Chavez spins one off the mound that Aybar just can't reach. Bautista scampers to third as the ball rolls into centerfield. Runners on the corners for Doctor Joe!

2:42: Some drop science, but I'm dropping INNNNGLETTT. He walks to load the bases and bring the pitching coach out to stall. Justin Speier is quickly warming in the pen, hopefully he'll flip out and fight his teammates again when he blows this.

2:43: Did Vernon Wells pinch hit and nobody tell me? Scutaro swings at the first pitch, an absolute hanger, but pops up an infield fly. He's out for Hill with one down. Snatching victory I say!

2:45: Hey, at least it's a run. Hill pounds the ball into the plate but Lackey deflects it slightly. Keeps the Jays out of the double play allowing one run to score. Two down with two on for Hat Trick Rios.

2:46: Make it the Golden Sombrero. FML and be careful whom you praise. Alex lives off fear and despises comfort. Inning over 5-2 Master Chiefs

2:49: Thank heavens for small victories: Brandon League is in to pitch!!! I'm officially excited, though I fear my site is slightly broken.

2:50: You're never gonna believe this: Brandon League induced a ground ball. One out in the Angels eighth.

2:52: A rare fly ball and a rare "nice" play by Adam Lind. I can't even really tell he makes them all look so adventurous. Either way, two down quickly by League.

2:53: Nice inning by League. Threw some nice slider-type pitches, always a good sign from him. As soon as I type this, JOSE FUCKING BAUTISTA THROWS AWAY THE MOST ROUTINE PLAY OF HIS LIFE. I want Rolen!

2:55: The sun makes the Angels helmets look almost translucent and slightly cheesy. As if they grabbed them from Dairy Queen on the way to the ballpark. Gary Matthews sucks and flies out to end the inning. Nice job getting getting four outs sir. START THE BRANDWAGON.

3:00: Not even LOOGY Darren Oliver can retire Adam Lind! Lindiana's finest is now 4-4 after going 3-5 yesterday. He's all man.

3:01: Ready for another cock tease inning? Millar strokes a base hit to left field putting two on with nobody out for Lyle Overbay. Dare he do something against a lefty? Cito's confidence is the wind beneath his wings.

3:02: Weeee wild pitch moves everybody up one base! I smell promise!

3:04: Gary Matthews is bad and not particularly bright, it seems. Your team is up three runs: WHY DIVE WITH NOBODY BEHIND YOU. Lil Sarge whiffs on Overbay's sinking liner plating two Jays! 5-4 Diddling Ministers! Overbay's on second with nobody out and ol'Radiation Poisoning is going to the pen! Boners finally!

3:06: Keep that boner greased - Justin Speier's in to pitch!!!! Bautitsta knows he sucks and is giving himself up via the bunt. Weak sauce.

3:09: Score one for not bunting. Bautista works a walk to bring up the catcher. Barajas will pinch hit so the Angels are having a slumber party on the mound. Uh, Cito, maybe bunt now? Nevermind.

3:12: Really? Pinch hitting to bunt? Could Chavez do that too? The first bunt rolls mercifully foul as it would have been night night for the lead runner. HOORAY, FUCK BUNTING. Barajas opts to deposit a looper into center for a base hit. Bases bloated for Doctor Joe!

3:15: Poor Joe. Inglett lashes a ball right into the drawn-in field. That may actually work to the Jays advantage, that was two had the infield been back. One down for Scutaro.

3:17: What's that crap on Speier's hat. Horseshit I say. Not horseshit? SCUTARO SAC FLY. The game's knotted at 5! Rebonered!

3:19: Speier's bouncing splitters trying to get Hill to chase. Eventually he does. C'est dommage! TIE GAME HEADED TO THE NINTH

3:20: I hope Brandon League's over his leverage aversion. He's on to start the ninth. Howie Kendrick greets him with a bunt single. Well poop.

3:22: Figgans shows bunt on the first pitch. I can't image bunting Brandon League's nastiness is very easy. Apparently slapping League's down and in sinker into right for a base hit IS easy. Balls. Runners on the corners with nobody out.

3:24: Well that sucked. Aybar hits a double play ball right to Hill, causing Kendrick to pause at third. The double play goes 4-6-3 but Kendrick breaks for the plate! Overbay's throw is late so the Angels take the lead 6-5. Motherbitch!

3:25: Brandon League, after striking out Vlad to end the inning, looks skyward and clearly says FUCK ME. One lucky hit on a tough pitch is all it takes for League to wear the goat horns. Luckily the heart of the Jays order is coming up in the bottom of the afjsldkfjasdklfjasdljfklj let's drink. Can Rios strike out 5 times? Can Adam Lind join Cito in choking his teammates? On Brian Fuentes knows for sure.

3:29: I dunno how much blame we can assign League here. One hard hit ball on a good pitch, a bunt and a double play? Happens I guess. That said ALEX RIOS JUST STRUCK OUT FOR THE FIFTH DAMN TIME. He looked terrible doing it, you'll be shocked to learn. One down for Lind.

3:30: ADAM LIND IS THE BIZARRO RIOS. Five for five son. Double down the right field line. Get his picture on the side of the Dome. Preferably in front of Trent Edwards.

3:32: Adam Lind has 8 straight hits. Recognize. Kevin Millar takes a close pitch in a 3-1 count that just misses. Two on for Overbay! Only one out. Wells will run for Millar and my boner is somewhere in my throat. THE TENSION

3:35: FYI - my boner's in my throat cause I'm really bendy and Lyle Overbay is 2 fer 4 today. Also worth noting: the crowd is fucking dead. The bottom of the ninth people, stand the crap up. I'm sure there's a wave going somewhere.

3:37: Overbay strikes out on a 3-2 pitch that missed up. Not ball four and not a pitch he can take there. It's all up to Bautista. KARMA!

3:40: Le sigh. Bautista tries to check his swing on a fastball on the inside half. Swing the bat brother. Also, a big fuck you to all the corpses in attendance today. Bang your fins together every now and then or stay the fuck home. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, I apologize if you had any technical problems. A nice comeback stops a little short, what can you do? Brandon League gets the loss because the universe hates me. Later kids!

A Study in Robotics: Watching Halladay Prepare

Good news, cubicle bound lifeforms! Roy Halladay plans on teaching the Red Sox numerous lessons on live TV today. Having pulled the chute on today's scheduled toil; I'll gladly dickjoke and youtube my way through today's game, the Halladay parts anyway. Be here at 1 for all the Jamie Campbell hijinks!!

Pregame Update: Though Sportsnet promoted the hell out of this broadcast during the three WBC games I watched yesterday, I don't see any mention of it anywhere. Not their online interactive guide nor on my actual Rogers cablebox. I may let Mikey Wilner and the FAN team guide us through the day, though making dick jokes based on radio broadcast may not go so smoothly.

Lineup Update: No Rocco, making this entire exercise utterly futile. But I'll soldier on. Of course Halladay starts for the Jays, Justin Masterson's live arm starts for the Sox.

BOSOX J. Ellsbury, CF J. Lowrie, SS J.D. Drew, RF C. Carter, 1B J. Bard, DH J. Bailey, LF A. Chavez, 3B N. Green, 2B D. Brown, C

THE MOTHEREFFIN BLUE JAYS J. Inglett, LF A. Hill, 2B A. Lind, DH L. Overbay, 1B J. Bautista, 3B J. Lane, CF T. Snider, RF R. Chavez, C J. McDonald, SS

My lineup observations? Lots of guys have J as their first initial. There you go.

Another pointless update: Looks like it's strictly MLB.com. Fuck sportsnet and their false-ass advertising.

12:51: I picked up Pride of Baghdad yesterday. It was great. Hardly subtle, but certainly enjoyable. Brian K. Vaughn is the king.

1:00: Sick babies are no fun.

1:20: Boston picked up two quick hits to score a run, Halladay then made quick work of the scrubs. The Jays made two quick outs, got two hits before succumbing to the versatile Justin Masterson. 1-0 Red Sox, 1-0 babies in the other game of our doubleheader.

1:22: Some clown just hit a home run. Something is off kilter in the universe. Johnny Mac just helped temper my ire.

1:27: A quick K, a groundball single and a ground out and the inning is over. Halladay contemplates seppoku as its 2-0 Sox.

1:30: Jason Lane doubles to left as Jerry & Alan discuss his options and merits. His merits are few, his flash pan is many.

1:32: TRAVIS SNIDER IS MADE OF MAGIC. Dude hit a massive bomb to right to tie the game. Alan wants him hitting in the middle of the order. There is a bulge in the middle of my pants. 2-2!

1:35: The bottom feeders at the bottom of the order go quickly to end the inning. I agree with Ashby, why hide Snider in the 7th or 8th spot? Sorry Lyle, your left handed bat's moving south in the lineup. 2-2

1:40: Top of three already? Jed Lowrie leads off, an effective fill in middle infielder. I belittled someone for drafting him yesterday, mostly because I'm jealous. No sooner do I praise him does fucking Lowrie hit an opposite field home run off the foul pole. Sounds like Doc is experimenting with his changeup a lot today, and having trouble keeping it down. IT'S ALL A PROCESS DAMMIT. 3-2 Red Leggings.

1:42: Alan and Jerry are making excuses for Brad Mills and all Jays pitchers yesterday, saying "the balls weren't rubbed up properly." Whatever dudes. Two quick Halladay styled outs before Josh fucking Bard hits a long fly ball off the right field wall. breathe.....breathe......he's experimenting....breathe....

1:45: Snider ends the inning with (what I assume to be) a nice running catch. Diaper break! If you can't relate to that, I encourage a vasectomy. Maybe two.

1:50: Jays go 1-2-3 with 2ks. Jerry and Alan were praising Halladay's steely demeanor. I think they were the ones sporting steel. I'll reiterate my point about Masterson's valuable arm. Imagine if Brandon League or Jeremy Accardo could spot start, outside of Cito's delusions. Theo knows what he's doing. 3-2 Sox

1:55: Angel Chavez leads off the fourth with a single to left. That must be the Chavez that Magglio came out in favor of. Eliminating term limits? Screw you Hugo. Alan Ashby digs into the bag of cliches and comes up with SOLID. Jason Lane is a SOLID center fielder. Or boring, ineffective but white. PS Ashby, I don't want to sit in a wine bar and watch a baseball game. Stop shilling bro!

2:00: Booth guffaws are my favorite kind of guffaws. Jerry and Alan are interrupted by actual game action as they try to name guys with coloured names from the Vida Blue-era A's. I may be old, but there are limits to my entertainment. Meanwhile, Halladay put the deathglare on "brown note" and struck out two in that half inning. 3-2 headed to the bottom of 4.

2:05: I've officially got it out for Jose Bautista. He bounces a basehit over or near the third baseman but I remain unmoved. He's got one extra base hit all spring. Square it up or it means nothing.

2:10: Jason Lane continues to excel at squaring it up. A double down the line puts Jays at second and third with Sniderman on his way to the plate. Tito got the hook for Masterson, bringing in Daniel Bard. Alan remains dubious of his credentials. Wearing number 72 says what must be said.

2:11: Travis Snider is the king of all creation. Wilner confesses Snider told him yesterday "you've got to get your money's worth up there" yet Travis Snider sounds to be having a great at bat. Fouling off fastballs, curveballs, taking pitches. His ceiling has now reached Carlos Delgado levels. Congrats Travis, hope you like pressure. He finally strikes out on a nice curve, good at bat in my mind.

2:13: Ground out scores a run, Johnny Mac pooch punts one to second to end the inning. 3-3, with Wilner stepping to the mic.

2:15: This is likely Halladay's last inning, so he's not wasting any time exacting revenge on Jed Lowrie with a quick out. J.D. Drew's struck out twice already today, likely due to the VERY LOUD footsteps of a certain right fielder waiting in the wings to steal his job. Wilner tells me Halladay allowed the lead off man each inning before this one, I refuse to believe. Drew's out, Carter's up. He gets traded a lot, mostly because he's terrible. For all his struggles today, Halladay's struck out 5 in 4.2 innings.

2:20: Chris Carter sends this game to X-Files levels by hitting a massive, wind-blown home run off of Roy Halladay. 4-3 Sox, all while my belief system crumbles. Hallady's now getting squeezed, walking Bard after getting ahead 0-2. If anyone needs me, I'll be rending my garments. Luckily a pop up ends the inning before I'm naked in front of my young child. Headed to the bottom of 5, its 4-3 Sox.

2:25: I like Doctor Joe Inglett just fine, but if he even approaches his 2008 numbers, I'll be shocked. That said, I don't like the thought of Millar making the team over him. Joe Inglett gets throw out trying to stretch a double into a triple, a shame. Mikey Wilner gets more excited than Jerry's been cumulatively in the month of March. Aaron Hill responds with a double, a run they'll regret never as nobody fucking cares about Spring Training. Hill's day is done as Eamus is in to run. I hope someone throws him an Eephus pitch in his first at bat.

2:30: As Wilner speculates on the potential lineup, I can't help but think Snider in between Rios and Wells is a good bit of business. FUCK YES. Lyle Overbay changed his number back to 35, something I called for the day after Thomas left town. Wilner slides in a Seinfeld joke, too subtle for Alan to follow up. C'mon Ashby, it's all about timing. Baustista strikes out after Overbay walks to end the inning. Sixth inning already? 4-3 Red Sox.

2:35: SEND IN THE CLOWNS! Pretty much wholesale changes I won't even attempt to recap here, more importantly Bo Junior has taken to the hill. A long fly ball is the first out of the inning.

2:40: Another fly ball for the second out, but more importantly: THE BEER GUY IN DUNIDEN CHANGED HIS NAME TO THE BEER GUY. BJ gets a K to end the inning, and I'm going to shut this mother down. Halladay didn't look great, but he was trying to work a new pitch into his arsenal. He'll be fine, as he always is. Thanks for stopping by, I'll do this again soon. Live blogs are great fun. Oh and GO ON YOU IRONS!

The Moral Victories Keep Rolling in

Anyone with a brain knows that dismissing the Jays as a "fourth place team" is dumber a concussed Hills castmember. It is so dumb in fact, that the good people at Baseball Prospectus are currently using the 2008 Blue Jays a measuring stick. The Best-Worst team in the divisional age! World famous Joe Sheehan had this to say about the 2008 Jays when another BP writer suggested the Jays were perhaps the best 4th place team in the Wild Card age:

The "perhaps" is unnecessary. The Jays had an amazing pitching-and-defense team this season. I might go so far as to say they were the strongest fourth-place team in the divisional era.

The article is behind the paywall, but I got peoples on the inside. Author Steven Goldman mentions the Jays third-order wins were good enough to rank fourth in all of baseball; despite early season gaffes named Shannon Stewart, Frank Thomas and Syracuse Chief Adam Lind. The article then compares the Jays position by position to the 1984 Pittsburgh Pirates that finished sixth in the old NL East (back when the Braves played in the West) with a 75-87 record. The teams were similar with strong pitching and defense offset by poor-to-average offense, and the '84 Pirates missed their Pythagorean projection by 12 wins! I should stop complaining about the Jays misfortunes.

After the positional comparison, the Jays come out on top at nearly every position outside of the rotation by number. So this Jays team moves on to face fortunes other red-headed step children, the excellent teams with poor results. Potential other best-worst teams include the 1969 Cardinals (Bob Gibson & Steve Carlton!), the 1971 Mets and the 1982 Tigers. (Note: 1982 in the American League was insane. The Jays finished tied for last with 78 wins! Parity indeed.) Hell, they could compare the 2008 Jays to the fourth place with 89 wins Blue Jays of 1983. Now that is an exercise in futility!

Straight Shillin

It's Thanksgiving weekend, but that is no reason to get unhooked from the world of baseball snark. I'll be doing my thing at Walkoff Walk all weekend long, including a live blog/glog on Saturday night. We WoWies are trying to do every playoff game, so stop by and say something sarcastic about Joe Buck. And be on the lookout for something that approximates a GROF season in review early next week. It won't be as good as The Blue Jay Hunters, but it will make reference to my incredibly inebriated state on Opening Day. Good times for all!

Falling Sickness

Sometimes the universe works in funny ways. Last night the Jays were rained out. Last night I stubbornly ate at Tortilla Flats again, so my insides came raining out all night and day. Guess that means I'm not going to work.

Guess that means I'll have to live blog the make up game! 2pm! Dial us up and we'll watch AJ Burnett throw fastballs in anger, together.

1:49pm: There is some concern that I may die halfway through this thing. For now, I'm eating plain, salsa-free Tostitos and drinking water. I've got plenty of Coke Zero at the ready and Jays Connected is getting me prepared. Prepared for banality, you should do the same.

1:55: More Connected observations. Is Evanka Osmak hot? I'm not convinced. She certainly isn't ugly, but hot? The Killers should try to write an entire song, not just three hooks in a row.

2:00: No chance of a rainout today. Here are your lineups, Cito unsurprisingly makes no changes. A.J. Burnett goes against Javier Vasquez, who is better known as A.J. Vasquez. Expect lots of Ks, lots of pitches with the potential for lots of taters. Darrin Fletcher joins Jamie Campbell in the booth in a move destined to piss me off. Fletcher is a sub-standard broadcaster in every way. BUT HE PLAYED FOR THE 'SPOS, GIVE'EM A JOB.

2:05: It took 30 seconds for Fletcher to piss me off. Sum Sumpin indeed Darrin. Johnny Mac's hitting 2nd today, an indefensible move by Cito. MacDonald walks in an indefensible move by Vasquez. Rios yanks one into left field, an event Jamie Campbell uses to mention the 8 game winning streak for the 20th time. This will be a long afternoon.

2:12: Vernon Wells hits a LOLer to the mound but hustles to stay out of the double play. Runners on the corners for Adam Lind, who bounces it right to Pauly Konerko to end the inning. I still can't believe that John MacDonald is hitting second.

2:15: Professionalism at its finest! Campbell has to drop a "We're on" as Fletcher chats mindlessly. The Pale Hose have a 500 dingerman and a 600 dingerman in the lineup on the same day. Who knew Pablo Ozuna has had such a prolific career? John MacDonald justifies his place in the batting order with a nice play to get the Scorer's Best Friend.

2:21: I'm considering seeking out Jerry to save me from Fletcher. His delightful back-catcher story was agony. Nothing but pain. A.J. Pierzynski's punchable face grounds out with a satisfying expletive. Jermaine Dye succumbs to AJ's might hammer. 0-0 after one.

2:25: WGN has let me down. I don't want Maury, I want the Hawk! Overbay is set down by a nasty Vasquez breaking ball. I worry for the pitch counts today. Alexei Ramirez is used to Cuban baseball, where right fielders are considered too bourgeoisie. He runs halfway to Milwaukee to make a pointlessly nice catch. Zaun also swings at the first pitch and pops out to third. Fuck you Lloyd, what the fuck do you know about pitch counts? Inning over.

2:30: "Mr Incredible" flies out to Vernon Wells in centerfield. Jim Thome is huge, and a free agent this year. His .366 OPB makes me think he isn't quite done yet, but please J.P., stay away. Another K for Burnett, he makes Konerko look sufficiently foolish. Word is you lay off his curveball, cause he can't throw it for strikes. Easier said than done I suppose. Ken Griffey's swing is a sexy sight but without power to the gaps, he's just another tease. End of 2, still no score.

2:37: Travis Snider needs to lose the goatee. I'm sure he thinks it gives his face shape, but it just doesn't work. The Future strikes out on a fastball low and away. Fletcher compares the 08 Jays to the '98 Jays. Jose Conseco and Roger Clemens beg to differ. Gregg Zaun is into though, he sees a lot of himself in Darrin Fletcher. Doctor Inglett feebly grounds out to Vasquez, who looks equal to AJ's contract-fueled greatness today. Johnny Mac strikes out on a fastball 1-2 fastball right down Broadway. I think they're on to his offensive failings. White Sox will go and sit down, no score.

2:45: Alexei Ramirez missed the last series in Toronto because of his questionable immigration status. Unquestionable is his standing as an excellent, power hitting second basemen. The Jays have one of those, I hope he'll be back. AJ plunks Ramirez on the elbow, bringing Swisher to the plate. Note to Travis Snider: if this is the kind of player you become, I won't be upset. I promise.

2:50: That ended poorly. Dirty Thirty taps one to nobody, but AJ Burnett just dropped the underhanded throw from Inglett. Ugly. 2 on, none out. Juan Uribe is attempting to give himself up in the third inning. You see that Jays bullpen, that is respect! Uribe strikes out, hopefully not a future Blue Jay Orlando Cabrera comes to the plate. AJ Burnett's curve has Cabrera shouting DIABLO on the walk back to the dugout. If Pierzynski wasn't a ball player, he definitely be a highway cop. Not a real, beat walking, difference making cop. An OPP tickethammer of the assbaggingest order. Johnny Mac can hit wherever he wants so long as he keeps feeding my boner like that. Inning over, crisis averted.

3:00: Fletcher and Campbell wax on about the shape of the rotation with two doubleheaders this week. If Doctor Decision doesn't go on short rest, I'll be shocked. Ws = $. Cito must be doing something right as they show Scott Rolen sitting between the boss and Butterfield. Don't lose Rolen Cito, you'll lose the whole clubhouse! Rios walks for for the first time in September. Wells reaches out and bounces into a 3-6-1 double play. I'm not happy. Neither is AJ Pierzynski. He angrily points to the ground and fires the ball back to Vasquez after he missed with his curveball. Even his teammates must hate him. Lind strikes out on some pure gas. My curdled guts are jealous. 0-0 headed for the bottom of 4.

3:10: Joe Inglett had Jermaine Dye played perfectly. The groundball up the middle turns into a routine out. Jim Thome hits the ball a long way, but Travis Snider looked more like he was catching a bus than a deep fly ball. Two down. Paulie walks on four pitches to bring up the Ghost of Junior. Poor old Griffey is Burnett's 4th victim by hammerdeath.

3:15: Overboner! Lyle Overbay doubles as Lyle Overbay is want to do. Swisher nearly kills himself crashing into the left field wall. Professional hitter Scott Rolen slashes one into the seats. Were any humans actually attending this game, they'd be dead. Rolen goes down on strikes because he has as much of a chance getting a good fastball as I do calling Darrin Fletcher just to chat. Gregg Zaun heaves his bat into the crowd. Chet & Hunter in the front row pose for the crowd with all their teeth in place. You let me down again Zaun, until you walk to bring up Travis Snider with two on. Snider flares one to Cabrera for the second out. Snider hasn't hit the ball as hard the last few days in my eyes. Adjustment time? Inglett pops out to end the threat. Still no score

3:30; Day night doubleheaders are a crime. All these people actually have to leave, repark and then re-enter your sacred ballpark? That sucks. Alexei Ramirez is listed at 185 pounds, which I estimate to be 30 pounds too many. Dude is stringbeaned. He bounces one over AJ Burnett but right at Inglett, one down. The count is full for the second time this inning; never forget how great Roy Halladay is. Swisher pops out, South Siders hate him all the same. Slappy Uribe slaps one into Inglett's glove. Inning over. No score - NOTHING ELSE TO REPORT. SHHHHHHHHHHH

3:42: Two quick fly balls mean two quick outs. Johnny Mac gave one a Johnny Mac sized ride. He'd have to bulk up to have warning track power. Wells legs out an infield single that I wish was ruled an error. Cabrera made a nice play but a bad throw. You can blow me with an ordinary effort Cabrera. Adam Lind hits a line drive to right center for a base hit that advances Wells to third. Overbay is battling, fouling off fastball after fastball. Finally a breaking ball from Vasquez, but it travels all of 58 feet. Full Count! OVERBONERRR!!!!! Vasquez misses badly with a fastball down and in and Overbay sends it crashing into the right field fence. Two runs score, 2-0 Blue Jays! Rolen pops out to end the inning with the damage already done. 2-0

3:55: Jamie Campbell loves the aged. His daily shout out to an old person is better than him talking about whatever else might be going on. Which is nothing. Cabrera pastes one at Rolen, who'd like to have it back but will go as a basehit. The douche-er of the two AJs tries to bunt the runner along, but Gregggg throws out Cabrera at second. One down. THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN AROUND ME! First Scott Rolen doesn't hoover the ball up at third, now Johnny Mac tries to get cute and muffs a sure double play. Two on for Very Large Thome. Now a crossed up Gregg Zaun allows the ball to bounce to the backstop. The runners advance, taking the double play out of the picture. Ballsacks! Thome swings at a 3-0 pitch and hits a fly to left. Snider makes a strong (?) throw that takes a big bounce, allowing Cabrera to score. 2-1 Jays. Two out for Konerko, he of the big contract and minimal production. That seems to happen quite often in baseball. After much discussion and a waste-of-time change up, Paulie flies out to left center. Inning over, no-no over, shut out over. Jays still lead 2-1.

4:08: Javier Pitchcount is going to sit down for the day in favor of Horacio Ramirez. White Sox fans HATE Ramirez so Jays fans should be happy. Gregg Zaun gets his other batting helmet on, the one that makes him suck terribly. Zaunie lines one to Swisher in left, right in front of some Ottawa Senators riding stationary bikes in the bullpen. Jamie Campbell decides to tell us that Travis Snider's mom died a year ago today. The kid is 20, which is pretty fucking sad. This is just his fourth at bat in the Bigs against left handed pitching. He looks pretty going, going with stuff thrown away from him. He works a well-earned walk. Inglett flies out after far too many throws over to first. I can't see Snider running now or ever. He's big. Jamie Campbell insists that Wassermann's is a great story. I don't know that I agree. Darrin Fletcher just called him a hayseed! I'm not much more interested. MacDonald grounds out to short as Darrin Fletcher was insisting that some of his best friends are black. They're stretching in Chicago with the Jays up 2-1.

4:25: The comments seem to have died down, likely due to the Tao returning to work. I understand it was his turn to rake the serenity garden. Griffey bounces into the shifted defense for the first run. A hard-hit ball comes up on Johnny Mac for his second error of the day. Scutaro knowingly nods from the bench. Slinky Alexei is on with one out. Ramirez steals second with the throw going into centerfield. He and MacDonald get tangled up so the Cuban stays put. Sportsnet fucked up the count so I'm wondering why Swisher walked away after taking a 3-1 strike. Seems his the second out. Cito comes out to speak with AJ, likely to tell him that his agent is on the phone. He says get the win or you're fucked. Uribe gets pwned on three pitches. As commenter Ilovepalehoseandpalehos said: Fuck Uribe. Inning over, as it Burnett's day I assume. The shadows are creeping over the plate so I really hope Brandon League gets the nod. Good luck seeing that gas in the dark.

4:35: Rios goes quietly on a groundout and Wells flies out to right. Two quick outs in the eighth. Wassermann makes way for Boone Logan, which is my gay stripper name. I'll be performing at the Manhole and Cock of the Walk this weekend, please tip generously. Campbell lied to me as Matt Thornton has come on to pitch. That is my female stripper name. I'll be performing deep inside the LadyCave this weekend too. Lind goes down faster than your girlfriend in the VIP room at Ladycave to end the inning.

4:45: Scott Shutter Downs emerges to fire from the shadows. Ra's Al Ghul is not impressed. The one knock on Downs is he walks too many, which he promptly does to Cabrera. Luckily A.J. Pierzynski can't bunt properly, allowing Downs to force out Cabrera at second. You might be gritty but fundamentals are important man. Barajas is in to catch, might we get a Thigpen sighting this evening? Jermaine Dye base hit to centerfield brings Thome up with two runners on for the second time today. BONERBONERBONER. Johnny Mac and Inglett turn a great double play to end the inning, thanks in no small part to Jim Thome's advanced age. 2-1 Jays going to the ninth.

4:55: The situation no longer calls for a situational lefty; so Matt Thornton's strike out of Overbay means his day is done. Mike MacDougal, former Royals closer turned Triple A roster filler turned September call up is on to pitch for the Sox. He used to be more arms and legs coming to the plate, now he's just a regular old shitballer. Promptly falling behind Scott Rolen draws the ire of the broad-shouldered denizens. Rolen grounds out to third to bring Bah Rah Has to the plate. He singles to left before I can think of an insult about him sucking. Good on you Rod. The cameras catch Vernon Wells beating on Alex Rios in the dugout. JP approves. BJ Ryan is warming up in the bullpen; Jays fans are going to leave work now instead of riding the Ryancoaster. Travis Snider singles to right which moves Rod to third. Insurance runs at this point are like wearing a helmet when you skydive: You're still going to get fucked up but you might survive it. Joe Inglett singles to left to plate Barajas!! 3-1 Jays! A nice curve by MacDougal makes MacDonald look like, well, John MacDonald at the plate. Three down, on comes BJ to face Konerko, Griffey and Ramirez. 3-1 Jays

5:05: Hold on to your privates, BJ Ryan is on so the Jays are on the top step. A 5 pitch walk is a great way to start. Let's get the smoke and mirrors out Bo Junior, this would hurt. Another 5 pitch walk, another pinch runner and this officially sucks. Will Ramirez bunt? Why bother? The pitcher doesn't look like he can get anybody out and you want to help him? Alexei Ramirez and BJ Ryan conspire for a strikeout. The baseball book works in the Jays favour this time. Nick Swisher steps in as my heart steps into my throat. HOLY SHIT! Swisher winds himself into knots in falling behind 0-2. BJ throws a nice slider (his first well-executed pitch) for the K and now only Slappy Uribe remains. Slappy slaps it to Ryan and the jam done!!! All is forgiven BJ! Hooray for handing outs to the opponents!!!

3-1 final, only two White Sox hits. That will about do it. Thanks for stopping by and for all the comments. The winners of 9 in a row will face these same White Sox tonight. You can watch it yourself, I'm done with glogging for today. Good looking out.

When Love and love Collide

David Purcey only pitches on 6 days rest. Tough work if you can get it. This large lefty makes his third consecutive Wednesday outing, this week against the Rays. Meaning we are fortunate enough to witness Rocco as the Rays DH! God bless you David Purcey, you and your genetic shortcomings! This not-so momentous occasion calls for me to half-assedly live blog this non-event! Rocco's at-bats anyway. I'm stuck at work, and can't think of anything better to do. I'm still going to do my highly original Wednesday's with JP gonzo-journoterrorist styled takedown tomorrow, but this will tide me over.

Check back around 7!

7:16: I made it home, fuck work! The TTC didn't let me down, as I sped home at a top speed of 71 km/h, allowing me to wander in my door in time to see Alex Rios almost kill two outfielders. En route, I enjoyed the soothing sounds of Fucked Up's Hidden World. I slept on this record for far too long, but don't you make the same mistake!

7:21: The Jays take the field, Rocco is hitting clean up as the gods intended. Ball-throwin' machine David Purcey K's Akinori to start the game. I'm going to glog this for as long as I can. The old lady will be home soon, and she will surely ruin my fun enrich my life in numerous ways.

7:23: Tabby throws the mad curse down on Overbay. Pena on, Rocco up. He gets a nice ovation from the dozens of Rays fans on hand, leading into a solid ROC-CO chant that quickly dies. David Purcey rings Rocco up with a nice pitch on the corner. Jamie Campbell is spared having to expand on Rocco's injuries; something that may have cost him his life. Inning over.

7:28: Adam Lind interrupts the Matt Garza slurp-job with a base hit up the middle. Overbay comes to the plate and the audio/video go to shit on my TV. I'll have Campbell's head for this.

7:31: Smallball can lick my small balls. Bouncer up the middle ruins a perfectly pointless hit-and-run. 2 out for Canucking Stairs. He goes down on strikes, Matt Garza smirks away.

7:40: Willy Aybar singles and Jamie Campbell informs us that Ben Zobrist is the Rays version of Russ Adams. Benny then strikes out in a very Russ Adams-y fashion. Shawn Riggans steps up, and Jamie Campbell casually mentions that he and Chone Figgans are mortal enemies from their time on Krypton. That's why he's there and I'm here. Riggans disobeys Lex Luthor, trying to emulate Figgans with a swinging bunt. The catcher can't leg it out. Purcey picks up his fourth strikeout, sending the other Italian outfielder back to the bench.

7:49: Rod Barajas goes down and strikes, continuing his not-really-that-good season. He has Jays fans (and announcers) drinking the Scutaro-juice somehow. Guy that would kill for a .300 OBP Johnny Mac goes down quickly, followed by a Joe Inglett double to the corner. Joe Inglett is 2-2, and worming his way into the scrappy guy-shaped hole in Toronto's heart. Those fucking cowbells make the empty building (of a first place team) 1000x tougher to take. Just over 13000 took in last night's contest. Florida sucks.

7:56: Scutaro works a walk, the people dressed as blue seats don't agree. Alex Rios is hot, Garza needs a talking to. The leather-lunged guy that hated Hinske was the only thing resembling soul in this dump, he is missed. Alex Rios swings at ball four with the count 3-0. Sigh. Inning over.

8:01: Jamie Campbell stumps for his waste of time blog. "Do you think AJ will opt out?" Not sure Jamie, but I'm sure your Rogers press release will offer some edgy insight. Bartlet strikes out, as does Iwamura. Purcey has 6 already, mostly be getting ahead. Awesome to see. Upton pops out, the blue chairs offer their mild indifference.

8:07: Vernon Wells pops out quickly, while Jamie Campbell continues to express his love for Matt Garza. It's understandable, kid can bring it and has fared well against the Jays this season. By my count, he's faced them 26 times, allowing -6 runs. Wow, he actually has an ERA of 0.39 against the Jays. Lind grounds out but Lyle Overbay goes the other way and stretches a double into a single. Rusty Zobrist hustles up to keep Lyle on first. HOORAY! Our first Reed Johnson reference of the day. Fuck. Matt Stairs shows the sad face as he weakly pops up to Reedy Zobrist. Inning over, Rocco due up!

8:14: Carlos Pena hits one to the moon, and the leather-lunged jerk makes himself heard. 1-0 Rays. Rocco strikes out again, and I question my purpose in life. DAVID PURCEY IS MADE OF MAGIC, AND JUST STRUCK OUT THE SIDE. Jesus.

8:23: Sportsnet highlights the Rays history of ineptitude. The blue chairs shout in agreement. Rod Barajas strikes out again, and John MacDonald breaks his bat tapping the plate, causing Pat Tabler and Jamie Campbell to guffaw with gusto. Chone Riggans takes one in the manplaces, after Matt Garza shook him off. Let that be a lesson to you Riggans. Johnny Mac goes down in a somewhat feeble manner. Jamie Campbell hates success, informing the public that Joe Inglett is halfway to the cycle. A retiree in Brandon, Manitoba just had a heart attack. "We're going to win a million bucks Millie!" Inglett strikes out. My snark may be obscuring the fact that this is an old-fashioned pitcher's duel. Highly enjoyable.

8:35: David Purcey is on fire, mowing down the Rays once more. He picked up his 10th K in the process. My timing is impeccable.

8:45: The Jays go in order once again, as Matt Garza has found his groove. My attention is taken from the game because Cosmo Kramer is a profit. Iwarmura bunts for a single, and Upton moves him up. Pena flies to centre, and Akinora aggressively moves to third. Rocco steps to the plate, with redemption on his mind.

9:23: This is setting up as an epic failure for me. Wived away from the computer, Rocco picking up three strikeouts and the Jays might end up losing. Fuck. Matt Garza is out of the game now, having walked two men on. Jamie Campbell forgot that Matt Stairs is out of the game, but I won't hold it against him.

9:25: Motherfucker. The din of 12000 cowbells is too much for Adam Lind. Aussie Balfour climbs the ladder on him. My failure continues.

9:28: Matt Garza was talking to his hat, a mantra from which he gains strength I assume. Why is it okay on the baseball field, but in real life that makes you a crazy person? A weird squibber that Jason Bartlett beats out sums up my night, nay my life. Akinori Iwamura smashes one back at Purcey, which almost kills him. Purcey (my mother's maiden name, incidentally) knocks it down and makes the play. Cito leaves Purcey in to face Upton with 2 out. This is a noteworthy at bat. Upton lines out to Lind in left, retiring the side and further soiling Purcey's sweat-soaked pants.

9:35: Converted closer Dan Wheeler checks into the game and Gabe Gross is in for defense. Campbell praises Purcey, who was lights fucking out tonight. Overbay swears like a trucker, having jussst missed his pitch. One down, Jose Bautista has a chance to contribute to a winning team in a big spot. He promptly strikes out on the same pitch that got him all weekend. This sucks. I need no more cowbell!

9:41: FUCKING SHIT. YOU AREN'T ROCCO, HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT CATCH?!? Barajas clubs one deep to left, but Justin Ruggiano makes an incredible catch to end the game. What a hose job. A great, brisk game that ends with the bluest of balls. I'm going to hatefuck JP and Wilner's callers tonight.

Thanks for stopping by, I am a failure in every way. I'll have to do this again sometime, when the old lady is far, far away. I joke, she's good people. Far too good for the likes of me.