Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Falling Sickness


Sometimes the universe works in funny ways. Last night the Jays were rained out. Last night I stubbornly ate at Tortilla Flats again, so my insides came raining out all night and day. Guess that means I'm not going to work.

Guess that means I'll have to live blog the make up game! 2pm! Dial us up and we'll watch AJ Burnett throw fastballs in anger, together.

1:49pm: There is some concern that I may die halfway through this thing. For now, I'm eating plain, salsa-free Tostitos and drinking water. I've got plenty of Coke Zero at the ready and Jays Connected is getting me prepared. Prepared for banality, you should do the same.

1:55: More Connected observations. Is Evanka Osmak hot? I'm not convinced. She certainly isn't ugly, but hot? The Killers should try to write an entire song, not just three hooks in a row.

2:00: No chance of a rainout today. Here are your lineups, Cito unsurprisingly makes no changes. A.J. Burnett goes against Javier Vasquez, who is better known as A.J. Vasquez. Expect lots of Ks, lots of pitches with the potential for lots of taters. Darrin Fletcher joins Jamie Campbell in the booth in a move destined to piss me off. Fletcher is a sub-standard broadcaster in every way. BUT HE PLAYED FOR THE 'SPOS, GIVE'EM A JOB.

2:05: It took 30 seconds for Fletcher to piss me off. Sum Sumpin indeed Darrin. Johnny Mac's hitting 2nd today, an indefensible move by Cito. MacDonald walks in an indefensible move by Vasquez. Rios yanks one into left field, an event Jamie Campbell uses to mention the 8 game winning streak for the 20th time. This will be a long afternoon.

2:12: Vernon Wells hits a LOLer to the mound but hustles to stay out of the double play. Runners on the corners for Adam Lind, who bounces it right to Pauly Konerko to end the inning. I still can't believe that John MacDonald is hitting second.

2:15: Professionalism at its finest! Campbell has to drop a "We're on" as Fletcher chats mindlessly. The Pale Hose have a 500 dingerman and a 600 dingerman in the lineup on the same day. Who knew Pablo Ozuna has had such a prolific career? John MacDonald justifies his place in the batting order with a nice play to get the Scorer's Best Friend.

2:21: I'm considering seeking out Jerry to save me from Fletcher. His delightful back-catcher story was agony. Nothing but pain. A.J. Pierzynski's punchable face grounds out with a satisfying expletive. Jermaine Dye succumbs to AJ's might hammer. 0-0 after one.

2:25: WGN has let me down. I don't want Maury, I want the Hawk! Overbay is set down by a nasty Vasquez breaking ball. I worry for the pitch counts today. Alexei Ramirez is used to Cuban baseball, where right fielders are considered too bourgeoisie. He runs halfway to Milwaukee to make a pointlessly nice catch. Zaun also swings at the first pitch and pops out to third. Fuck you Lloyd, what the fuck do you know about pitch counts? Inning over.

2:30: "Mr Incredible" flies out to Vernon Wells in centerfield. Jim Thome is huge, and a free agent this year. His .366 OPB makes me think he isn't quite done yet, but please J.P., stay away. Another K for Burnett, he makes Konerko look sufficiently foolish. Word is you lay off his curveball, cause he can't throw it for strikes. Easier said than done I suppose. Ken Griffey's swing is a sexy sight but without power to the gaps, he's just another tease. End of 2, still no score.

2:37: Travis Snider needs to lose the goatee. I'm sure he thinks it gives his face shape, but it just doesn't work. The Future strikes out on a fastball low and away. Fletcher compares the 08 Jays to the '98 Jays. Jose Conseco and Roger Clemens beg to differ. Gregg Zaun is into though, he sees a lot of himself in Darrin Fletcher. Doctor Inglett feebly grounds out to Vasquez, who looks equal to AJ's contract-fueled greatness today. Johnny Mac strikes out on a fastball 1-2 fastball right down Broadway. I think they're on to his offensive failings. White Sox will go and sit down, no score.

2:45: Alexei Ramirez missed the last series in Toronto because of his questionable immigration status. Unquestionable is his standing as an excellent, power hitting second basemen. The Jays have one of those, I hope he'll be back. AJ plunks Ramirez on the elbow, bringing Swisher to the plate. Note to Travis Snider: if this is the kind of player you become, I won't be upset. I promise.

2:50: That ended poorly. Dirty Thirty taps one to nobody, but AJ Burnett just dropped the underhanded throw from Inglett. Ugly. 2 on, none out. Juan Uribe is attempting to give himself up in the third inning. You see that Jays bullpen, that is respect! Uribe strikes out, hopefully not a future Blue Jay Orlando Cabrera comes to the plate. AJ Burnett's curve has Cabrera shouting DIABLO on the walk back to the dugout. If Pierzynski wasn't a ball player, he definitely be a highway cop. Not a real, beat walking, difference making cop. An OPP tickethammer of the assbaggingest order. Johnny Mac can hit wherever he wants so long as he keeps feeding my boner like that. Inning over, crisis averted.

3:00: Fletcher and Campbell wax on about the shape of the rotation with two doubleheaders this week. If Doctor Decision doesn't go on short rest, I'll be shocked. Ws = $. Cito must be doing something right as they show Scott Rolen sitting between the boss and Butterfield. Don't lose Rolen Cito, you'll lose the whole clubhouse! Rios walks for for the first time in September. Wells reaches out and bounces into a 3-6-1 double play. I'm not happy. Neither is AJ Pierzynski. He angrily points to the ground and fires the ball back to Vasquez after he missed with his curveball. Even his teammates must hate him. Lind strikes out on some pure gas. My curdled guts are jealous. 0-0 headed for the bottom of 4.

3:10: Joe Inglett had Jermaine Dye played perfectly. The groundball up the middle turns into a routine out. Jim Thome hits the ball a long way, but Travis Snider looked more like he was catching a bus than a deep fly ball. Two down. Paulie walks on four pitches to bring up the Ghost of Junior. Poor old Griffey is Burnett's 4th victim by hammerdeath.

3:15: Overboner! Lyle Overbay doubles as Lyle Overbay is want to do. Swisher nearly kills himself crashing into the left field wall. Professional hitter Scott Rolen slashes one into the seats. Were any humans actually attending this game, they'd be dead. Rolen goes down on strikes because he has as much of a chance getting a good fastball as I do calling Darrin Fletcher just to chat. Gregg Zaun heaves his bat into the crowd. Chet & Hunter in the front row pose for the crowd with all their teeth in place. You let me down again Zaun, until you walk to bring up Travis Snider with two on. Snider flares one to Cabrera for the second out. Snider hasn't hit the ball as hard the last few days in my eyes. Adjustment time? Inglett pops out to end the threat. Still no score

3:30; Day night doubleheaders are a crime. All these people actually have to leave, repark and then re-enter your sacred ballpark? That sucks. Alexei Ramirez is listed at 185 pounds, which I estimate to be 30 pounds too many. Dude is stringbeaned. He bounces one over AJ Burnett but right at Inglett, one down. The count is full for the second time this inning; never forget how great Roy Halladay is. Swisher pops out, South Siders hate him all the same. Slappy Uribe slaps one into Inglett's glove. Inning over. No score - NOTHING ELSE TO REPORT. SHHHHHHHHHHH

3:42: Two quick fly balls mean two quick outs. Johnny Mac gave one a Johnny Mac sized ride. He'd have to bulk up to have warning track power. Wells legs out an infield single that I wish was ruled an error. Cabrera made a nice play but a bad throw. You can blow me with an ordinary effort Cabrera. Adam Lind hits a line drive to right center for a base hit that advances Wells to third. Overbay is battling, fouling off fastball after fastball. Finally a breaking ball from Vasquez, but it travels all of 58 feet. Full Count! OVERBONERRR!!!!! Vasquez misses badly with a fastball down and in and Overbay sends it crashing into the right field fence. Two runs score, 2-0 Blue Jays! Rolen pops out to end the inning with the damage already done. 2-0

3:55: Jamie Campbell loves the aged. His daily shout out to an old person is better than him talking about whatever else might be going on. Which is nothing. Cabrera pastes one at Rolen, who'd like to have it back but will go as a basehit. The douche-er of the two AJs tries to bunt the runner along, but Gregggg throws out Cabrera at second. One down. THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN AROUND ME! First Scott Rolen doesn't hoover the ball up at third, now Johnny Mac tries to get cute and muffs a sure double play. Two on for Very Large Thome. Now a crossed up Gregg Zaun allows the ball to bounce to the backstop. The runners advance, taking the double play out of the picture. Ballsacks! Thome swings at a 3-0 pitch and hits a fly to left. Snider makes a strong (?) throw that takes a big bounce, allowing Cabrera to score. 2-1 Jays. Two out for Konerko, he of the big contract and minimal production. That seems to happen quite often in baseball. After much discussion and a waste-of-time change up, Paulie flies out to left center. Inning over, no-no over, shut out over. Jays still lead 2-1.

4:08: Javier Pitchcount is going to sit down for the day in favor of Horacio Ramirez. White Sox fans HATE Ramirez so Jays fans should be happy. Gregg Zaun gets his other batting helmet on, the one that makes him suck terribly. Zaunie lines one to Swisher in left, right in front of some Ottawa Senators riding stationary bikes in the bullpen. Jamie Campbell decides to tell us that Travis Snider's mom died a year ago today. The kid is 20, which is pretty fucking sad. This is just his fourth at bat in the Bigs against left handed pitching. He looks pretty going, going with stuff thrown away from him. He works a well-earned walk. Inglett flies out after far too many throws over to first. I can't see Snider running now or ever. He's big. Jamie Campbell insists that Wassermann's is a great story. I don't know that I agree. Darrin Fletcher just called him a hayseed! I'm not much more interested. MacDonald grounds out to short as Darrin Fletcher was insisting that some of his best friends are black. They're stretching in Chicago with the Jays up 2-1.

4:25: The comments seem to have died down, likely due to the Tao returning to work. I understand it was his turn to rake the serenity garden. Griffey bounces into the shifted defense for the first run. A hard-hit ball comes up on Johnny Mac for his second error of the day. Scutaro knowingly nods from the bench. Slinky Alexei is on with one out. Ramirez steals second with the throw going into centerfield. He and MacDonald get tangled up so the Cuban stays put. Sportsnet fucked up the count so I'm wondering why Swisher walked away after taking a 3-1 strike. Seems his the second out. Cito comes out to speak with AJ, likely to tell him that his agent is on the phone. He says get the win or you're fucked. Uribe gets pwned on three pitches. As commenter Ilovepalehoseandpalehos said: Fuck Uribe. Inning over, as it Burnett's day I assume. The shadows are creeping over the plate so I really hope Brandon League gets the nod. Good luck seeing that gas in the dark.

4:35: Rios goes quietly on a groundout and Wells flies out to right. Two quick outs in the eighth. Wassermann makes way for Boone Logan, which is my gay stripper name. I'll be performing at the Manhole and Cock of the Walk this weekend, please tip generously. Campbell lied to me as Matt Thornton has come on to pitch. That is my female stripper name. I'll be performing deep inside the LadyCave this weekend too. Lind goes down faster than your girlfriend in the VIP room at Ladycave to end the inning.

4:45: Scott Shutter Downs emerges to fire from the shadows. Ra's Al Ghul is not impressed. The one knock on Downs is he walks too many, which he promptly does to Cabrera. Luckily A.J. Pierzynski can't bunt properly, allowing Downs to force out Cabrera at second. You might be gritty but fundamentals are important man. Barajas is in to catch, might we get a Thigpen sighting this evening? Jermaine Dye base hit to centerfield brings Thome up with two runners on for the second time today. BONERBONERBONER. Johnny Mac and Inglett turn a great double play to end the inning, thanks in no small part to Jim Thome's advanced age. 2-1 Jays going to the ninth.

4:55: The situation no longer calls for a situational lefty; so Matt Thornton's strike out of Overbay means his day is done. Mike MacDougal, former Royals closer turned Triple A roster filler turned September call up is on to pitch for the Sox. He used to be more arms and legs coming to the plate, now he's just a regular old shitballer. Promptly falling behind Scott Rolen draws the ire of the broad-shouldered denizens. Rolen grounds out to third to bring Bah Rah Has to the plate. He singles to left before I can think of an insult about him sucking. Good on you Rod. The cameras catch Vernon Wells beating on Alex Rios in the dugout. JP approves. BJ Ryan is warming up in the bullpen; Jays fans are going to leave work now instead of riding the Ryancoaster. Travis Snider singles to right which moves Rod to third. Insurance runs at this point are like wearing a helmet when you skydive: You're still going to get fucked up but you might survive it. Joe Inglett singles to left to plate Barajas!! 3-1 Jays! A nice curve by MacDougal makes MacDonald look like, well, John MacDonald at the plate. Three down, on comes BJ to face Konerko, Griffey and Ramirez. 3-1 Jays

5:05: Hold on to your privates, BJ Ryan is on so the Jays are on the top step. A 5 pitch walk is a great way to start. Let's get the smoke and mirrors out Bo Junior, this would hurt. Another 5 pitch walk, another pinch runner and this officially sucks. Will Ramirez bunt? Why bother? The pitcher doesn't look like he can get anybody out and you want to help him? Alexei Ramirez and BJ Ryan conspire for a strikeout. The baseball book works in the Jays favour this time. Nick Swisher steps in as my heart steps into my throat. HOLY SHIT! Swisher winds himself into knots in falling behind 0-2. BJ throws a nice slider (his first well-executed pitch) for the K and now only Slappy Uribe remains. Slappy slaps it to Ryan and the jam done!!! All is forgiven BJ! Hooray for handing outs to the opponents!!!

3-1 final, only two White Sox hits. That will about do it. Thanks for stopping by and for all the comments. The winners of 9 in a row will face these same White Sox tonight. You can watch it yourself, I'm done with glogging for today. Good looking out.

49 comments:

  1. You should simulglog on WoW

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  2. I think my brain would break. Too much code.

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  3. ILovePaleHoseandPaleHosSeptember 9, 2008 at 2:20 PM

    So, NOW I have something to do with the rest of my day.

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  4. I wouldn’t mind Thome on a one year deal--he’s Killebrew-lite (their BA are about the same adjusted for league)--walks and HR.

    However, I can’t see him settling for a one-year unless he thinks the Jays can get him a ring a la Winfield.

    A.J.’s hook looks good--promising start.

    Best Regards

    John

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  5. We're pretty easily turned on, and Evanka doesn't really do it for us.

    We're sure that she's a lovely person, though.

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  6. This could be Purcey/Garza style pitching duel.

    Vazquez looks nasty.

    Best Regards

    John

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  7. Vazquez looks like he smells nasty.

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  8. Vazquez looks like he smells nasty

    (laughing)

    Best Regards

    John

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  9. Mindless diversions, vol. 1:

    What the over/under on the number of Cy Young votes (or points) that A.J. receives this year?

    (Because even if his ERA's over 4.00, a win total over 18 is too much for the win-centric writers to ignore.)

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  10. That BP article that DFJ linked to gave me a little bit of hope. No votes for Mays, very few votes for AJ.

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  11. ILovePaleHoseandPaleHosSeptember 9, 2008 at 2:58 PM

    Fuck Uribe.

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  12. Is this the real Deadspin commenter, palehos?

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  13. ILovePaleHoseandPaleHosSeptember 9, 2008 at 3:12 PM

    It is. I just love Lloyd so much, because of his resembling a young Mark Buehrle, that I had to stop by and read the glog.

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  14. hmmm, Buehrle isn't pitching today, and here I am glogging. Coincidence???? Pokaroo motherfucker.

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  15. Pokaroo motherfucker.

    That's going on a t-shirt.

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  16. @Palehose
    That's the same reason I want to punchisize his face.

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  17. Re: AJ & Cy Young votes.

    If he gets a single one more than Halladay they should discontinue the award.

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  18. If K-Rod wins it, I might have to turn this into a hurling blog.

    Cork v. Limerick - Boners in the Mist.

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  19. I am here to jinx the no hitter.

    Best regards

    Rob

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  20. ILovePaleHoseandPaleHosSeptember 9, 2008 at 3:40 PM

    I'd love to be the asshole opposing fan and bring up what we've all noticed in the linescore, regarding Burnett's performance thus far. But even I love potential baseball history.

    /that doesn't count, right?

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  21. ILovePaleHoseandPaleHosSeptember 9, 2008 at 3:40 PM

    Or... I could just let Iracane play that role to a T.

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  22. If he walks 50-60 more batters this will be just like his other no hitter.

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  23. One of our favorite games from last season was Buehrle versus Halladay: 2-0 Jays, 1 hour and 50 minutes.

    Derek Jeter steps out of the box for and hour-fifty per game.

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  24. I'll see you in hell Iracane. I can't believe I've got to go to Jersey now.

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  25. ILovePaleHoseandPaleHosSeptember 9, 2008 at 4:32 PM

    "The comments seem to have died down.."

    I'm a frontrunning, glog commenter. When the Sox take the lead, you won't be able to shut me up.

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  26. Let's hope the bullpen can shut down these guys for two innings.

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  27. Darrin Fletcher is the worst of the three Blue Jay commentators. I love when he asks Jamie Campbell to explain something. In effect getting Jamie to do his job. And I also love how freaked out his was by the side-arm delivery.

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  28. Ugh. It sucks having the least confidence in your $10 mil closer...no BJ please, I'm relaxing...

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  29. He's a big fan of rhetorical questions and hockey-esque nicknames. Eh Scotty Rolen??

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  30. This game is feeling a lot like a BJ BS....hope im wrong

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  31. Get BJ out there before the shadows change...d e c e p t i o n dammit! Stop rallying!

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  32. thank god

    now the home run BJ will give up keeps it a 1-run lead

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  33. i'd rather have josh towers out there pitching right now

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  34. phew

    going for 10 tonight!

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  35. That was some funny shit Lloyd, thanks

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  36. For as bad as Fletcher was, I was loving it because he wasn't Rance. And that's a truly sad thing, isn't it?

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  37. Me too, that is my problem. I can't turn my back on the Curry Chicken Burrito.

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  38. Point of order at 3:55, I believe it's "douchier". I'm just sayin'...

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  39. I happen to think Darrin Fletcher does a GREAT job!! :) He may be a little "raw"...but he gives a lot of valuable insight into the game. I think he and jamie make a good combontion.

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  40. i meant to say combination for the above comment.....

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