Thursday, September 11, 2008

Jays Bandwagon Upends, Thousands Killed

How could you let this happen Roy? How could you let the hopes and dreams of an entire nation crash to Earth? Tonight's loss was your 10th of the season. That's a new career high, you're a constant disappointment. What a bunch of chokers. It's 1989 all over again.

Or the Jays started slowly, kicked it around before succumbing to my twin Mark Buehrle and the Pale Hose. A late charge wasn't enough to complete the comeback; it was enough to renew my faith going into today. Gavin Floyd is tough and Shaun Marcum has been known to behave in a similar fashion. Makes for a solid series closer at any rate.

Wednesday's with JP - Snoozin' The Night Away

Last night's JP session was pretty fucking boring. Maybe it just seemed that way to me because I was slaving along with Photoshop Express and similar free photo editing programs to create the terrible header you see above. If it looks like it was created by someone using this software for the first time; that's because it was. I was going to take a pass on the biting satire and criticism this week, but JP's grinning visage at the top of the page urged me forth. Against my will, let's move on to the show!

JP and Wilner make nice about the win streak; with JP giving praise to the players, Cito, and implicitly himself. Natch.

Mid 80's Jays Fanboy: Cito is part hitting guru, part sage philosopher, and part shrink. How did he get to be so great, and why isn't he curing the world of all its ills?

JP the Patient: We've certainly won a lot more games with him as the manager. He steals signs and watches the games. That has much more to do with our wins than Alex Rios raising his OPS over .800. They aren't mutually exclusive certainly, but one can only have so much impact on the other.

Doctor Redundancy: Give yourself a pat on the back JP. He actually said this. Does anyone in the world need to be told to do that less than JP? Other than me anyway. The Jays have won so many games in a row, I don't want anything to change. Keep this team together forever!

JP hates this hour more than I hate the dentist: AJ Burnett is going to walk for more money. That is just what happens now. We've got lots of cheap guys that are good too.

Arbitrary Number Plucker: 85 wins? Big money guys like Sabathia?

JP hates math: 85 wins is almost guaranteed. Not that it matters, we're not making the playoffs. But you knew that. Ted Rogers isn't made of money, he just burns it to heat his platinum-gilded house.

Ted's Accountant: When do you find out how much money you'll have? Just what the fuck are system access fees anyway?

Mum's the Word: The empire built on thieving data plans should let me know what's up by the end of the World Series. That gives me plenty of time to sign next year's Kevin Mench. I've got my eye on you Willie Bloomquist...

Inquiring Mind: Who decides who goes up and who goes down? Can I give Cito all the credit for Adam Lind?

Prideful Man: It's all of us. We have a whole team of people making baseball decisions. You'd almost think it was our job.

Bill Caudill: Seriously though, how the fuck did Cito pull this off?

JP: He hasn't fought a single player. That works wonders. That and actual, league average offense. JP goes on to say that he thought the team could win 90+ games. I agree. Wilner mentions the second half pace of 105 wins for the year. JP wouldn't bite.

Old-Timey Gumshoe: How come the Globe & Mail gets the scoops? Are you and Blair BFF? He's awesome, make him write about baseball again.

No Chance of Biting on This One: Nope. Not happening. If a guy pisses me off just right; I'll go off like an cannon and embarrass myself and the team. But only on the right day.

Racist Guy: I hate Overbay's whiteness and nice-guy demeanor. I don't care about his reasonable contract or his .862 second half OPS. I want you to splash the cash!

Lloyd the Overbay Defender: Watch the games, he's a strong contributor and cheap. Delgado is (sadly) going nowhere. Scott Boras won't let Tex anywhere near me. We'll be fine.

Bright Young Man: Take AJ's money and spend it on the draft. I think this guy was trying to get JP to pay bonuses over slot and even specified one such draftee. A legitimate yet futile question.

JP Doesn't Speak Spanish: These Dominican players charge a lot! That is why we don't have a single one in the system.

Senility is Hell: Marco Scutaro for MVP! He's played many positions! He seems nice and doesn't wear too much jewelery. He's swell.


Tony Bagadonuts: Grit! Scrap! Dirtbags!

Weasels 4 Life: Cito likes dirtbags too! They'll play for their supper, they will. Yarr, get yer shirt dirty Inglett. Rios is lazy and not dog-ish enough.

That's it. Brief, painless and void of news. Other than Casey Janssen's progress, which JP said was excellent. The poor bastard may never walk again.


  1. Hi

    I'm commenting because DJF gets more comments on one post than I have on all my posts combined. Are you worried that the Red Sox ownage will some how disappear now that it is no longer just hilarious but now needed? It's scary. I say if they are losing, League or AJ throws a heater inside to Pedroia, just to bring him back down to earth. For the good of the game.

  2. I got your pale hose right here, dogg.

  3. I think the Sox have put all their eggs into their Rays basket. Their front-loaded rotation will allow the Jays to face the lesser lights, which means they have another shot at smacking Byrd.

    I agree on Pedroria, and think League is just the man to do it. I think a league-wide headhunter rep is just what he needs.

  4. Byrd, as an Indian, ruined our fucking Saturday in August.

    And he made it rain on the Taste of the Danforth.

    We hope he gets hit by lightning.


Send forth the witticisms from on high