Thursday, September 18, 2008

Comebacks - Snappy and Otherwise

Last night's game was maddening and inspirational at the same time. Brandon League supplied a substantial part of the maddening. No matter how good your stuff is, you still can't throw it right down the middle. Scott Rolen and Travis Snider provided the inspiration. Rolen 3-4 with two doubles and a triple off the very top of the centerfield wall? Greatest Blue Jay ever? Never in doubt. But the second-to-last "Wednesday's with JP" of the year has been presented to us, so I should pick the remaining pieces of low-hanging fruit while I still can. Will Professor Griff's article fan the flames of discontent? Will the Red Sox hangover sour the Jays faithful?

These are pressing questions, but aren't nearly as important as ensuring Johnny Was, /a and the rest of the aging punk rock alumni see something. I'm hoping they can tell me what the hell is going on in this video.

Wednesday's with JP - Can you believe they still do this?

I certainly cannot. But they won't for long. JP's in the house, Griff is in and out of his grill and the nimble-fingered are on the phone. Let the bad times roll. JP kicks off the show justifying bringing up Travis Snider without committing to naming him an every-dayer for next year. A never ending series of beeps and bloops from his Blackberry distract me and him. I guarantee it's never out of arm's reach. Ever. He then refuses to comment on Cito's contract status despite swearing on him returning next year. On to the proles!

Smug Guy from Jokeville: JP, everybody says you're a stubborn prick that refuses to admit when he's wrong. But you've wronged JP, oh how you've been wrong. Perhaps you could eat a large helping of crow on the radio for all to hear?

Smug Guy from Woosta: I BLEED BLUE JAY BLACK, GREY, AND OTHER ASSORTED, FOCUS-GROUPED COLORS. Despite what the books tell you, this is a very inexact science. Everything we do is a gamble, I do my best. Wilner seems to agree and begins to mention the contracts extended to Vernon Wells & Eric Hinske, which were very similar in size and date signed. JP bristles and appears quite sick of Eric Hinske questions. One was good, one was bad. Based on the information we had, these were worth-while risks to take. Young player's contracts don't kill you like big-time free agent deals that go south. People love to kill me over Hinkse, but never credit me for getting all those good years of Vernon for next to nothing. Frank Thomas, regrettable yes but crippling no. Jesus Christ people, it's called Moneyball not Forseeallstrugglesball.

Blissfully unaware: Robinson Diaz? Ryan Dempster? Make AJ stay?

Lloyd Interjects: Are you naive? Fuck. Ryan Dempster? He's Canadian right? Who fucking cares.

Monkey Math: If everybody leaves, what will you do with the pennies from heaven?

C.R.E.A.M.: It's not getting spent the way you want. Everybody get's a raise, most notably myself. Think about that as you fall asleep on your straw pile held square by Ikea particleboard.

Juggernaut Punch: What about the Creampuffs? Are they going to live?

Doctor JP: Accardo's not dead, he's pining. Casey Janssen will be ready for Spring Training and is already throwing. Ed. Note: Hooray! McGowan won't start, likely, until May. Davis Romero had bloodclots removed (!) but will be fine as well.

JP's uncle Rupert: I love you JP. You've complied a good team, you admitted fault re: Chad Gaudin, and are way cooler than the Media goons that hate you.

Humble JP: Thanks dad, the check is in the mail. This isn't hockey. It's hard to make the playoffs, we win lots of games. Its cool.

The hear and the now: I know pitching is important, but you should throw it all away for a mythical bat that we can all ride to the zenith of playoff heaven.

JP's bread is buttered: Nope. Pitching is good to have.

Baseball American. Fuck Yeah: I read you pulled your draft picks outta your ass. Did it hurt?

Greased Wheels: Allow me to detail all the wondrous things that reside inside my ass. My head for one. AM I RIGHT GRIFF?? HUH? HUH?? JP rattles off some of his draft successes. He's got a point to go with his excuses.

William Shakespeare from Stratford: The scuttlebutt here in the baseball hotbed of Stratford Ontario is that you are going to trade two important pitchers for a bat. My sister's neighbor's doctor's daughter works at a Rogers Video in Simcoe, and she has it on authority. She met a guy and he told her that he was a baseball player and he knew all the secrets. Stop this charade JP, and give me the names involved in this trade.

JP: I cannot tell a lie. You're an idiot.


JP the Minuteman: I will throw the tea and the sub-.600 OPSing shortstops into the Boston Harbor.

Quiet down Wilner, I'm talking here: Travis Snider shouldn't be the starter! Bring in a big money guy..........goddam garbage trucks make too much damn noise on my street in the morning.....saggy pants and rock n roll music....

JP & Wilner as one: Uh, no. Travis Snider hasn't been given a job. But thanks for your senile rantings.

Tim Lincecum slipped between our fingers: What about now? Can you trade Rios now?

JP signed him long term: Nope. He's here to stay. Not sure if you noticed, but he hit a home run and drove in a buncha runs tonight. He's kinda awesome.

I just spent $120 on a Burnett jersey: Don't make me hang it up next to my Joey Hamilton jersey.

Enough: Whatever. Mike and JP talk about guys that leave money on the table to play where they want. JP implies that Mike must not have ever met: a) a baseball player or b) an agent.

BOLD MOVES: Break the bank JP. Roger Clemens type shit.

Ted's nephew: All the money is tied up in that insufferable "gang" that hocks cellphone plans. The kid with the hair needs a beating. You know which one I mean.

Skychief 4 life: What happened to Da Cuse? Are we staying put?

JP Baggadonuts: Fuggedaboudit.

Roy's Boy: Will Roy Halladay leave for a playoff team?

JP: If he does, I'll be right behind him out the door.

The Breakfast Club: Who's going to catch next year?

JP the Repeater: HIS NAME IS STILL JP, HE'S GOT THE EDGE. No dice on a Barajas deal.

Soulless Cocaine Cowboy: Aaron Hill broke his brain on the field for this team. Fuck him. Keep the other guys that aren't as good offensively OR defensively as him.

Lloyd & JP in unison: I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. Don't ever say that again.

The next guy bizarrely asked Wilner how JP's cock tastes on the air, which was odd. The guy after him told a charming story of his wife losing the will to live. We all died a little inside after that anecdote.


  1. I was going to say something about how you should rent "Sexy Beast", but I see you've got that in your tag line. I came to the conclusion that anything is possible with Sir Ben after he agreed to a role that had his character discuss his whack-off routine...

    As an aside, how do you think Ian MacKaye would react if you told him you were a fan of his music? Head butt or kick in the balls?

    FYI, The Misfits, or a bunch of guys who call themselves the Misfits, are rolling through Ontario in late October. It would appear that they even decided they might as well play a show in my ancestral homeland, Sarnia, if they were going to have to stop there and get gas.


  2. This is correct, the Misfits in Sarnia on October 20th. You're from there too? What a small world!

  3. Ian MacKaye does a startlingly good Gandhi.

  4. Indeed I am a Sarnian, Vikings class of '97. Good friends with Max C., who pretty much knows/is known by everyone between 25 and 35 in town.


  5. I think Ian MacKaye would react with the oft-rumoured hammer to the face.

  6. I saw Fugazi with Blonde Redhead in Detroit back in the '90s, tried to stand ram-rod straight with anus firmly clenched after he yelled at some guys for "dancing" in a fashion he did not approve of. Then he yelled at the crowd again for not being perfectly silent during the "She does nothing to deserve it..." part of Suggestion.

    Still, great fucking show, probably the best I've ever been to.


  7. All for the low low price of $5!!

  8. Go Vikings! Well, I didn't grow up in the chemical valley, but currently reside it. It's good to hear that there are people who lived here, and still haven't contracted some weird disease from all the pollution!

  9. Aw, shit. Now I love me some Fugazi, but I must've seen them play a half a dozen time, and I think MacKaye pulled that calling-out-the-moshers stunt every damn time. Part of the schtick.

  10. I can assure you that all of my weird diseases were contracted the old-fashioned way: in dimly-lit Prague brothels. If you do end up going to see the Misfits on 10/20, fire me an email at The Southpaw, I'll be there with some local ne'erdowells.



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