Thursday, September 25, 2008

Yankees Exhaust the Minute Amount of Sentimental Currency I Lent Them

Annnnnddddddddd, we're back. Guess what? I still hate the Yankees with the fire of a thousand hobo stoves burning outside TODITB. They send out the "B" team and the Jays were stupefied. No Rodriquez, no Jeter, no Damon. Phil Hughes flew the Spruce Goose of hype right through the Blue Jays bats. Not even AJ Burnett and his Hammer of Doom could keep the Yankees at bay. Scott Rolen, he of the excellent September, tried as well; it simply wasn't happening.

I don't blame Jesse Carlson for the King Dong he served up, he loaded the bases so a run was likely. He threw 35 pitches last night, his highest total since April. He hit two guys, walked one and somehow the only lefty he retired was actively trying to speed up the process. Maybe the second inning was too much at the end of the season? But injuries, spot starts and Tallet's two innings the night before didn't leave Cito much choice.

Wednesday's With JP - Out with a Whimper

How sad, the final JP call-in of the year. Will the Jays flaccid stretch to end the season weigh heavy on the minds of the Wilner's disciples? I hope so, because I didn't get to see Baroness last night thanks to work responsibilities. My frustrations and hatred for my employment will all be revisited upon the heads of the lowest form of life; people I've never met! Healthy, wealthy, and wise am I.

Historian of the things you already know: If you fellas don't mind, I'm going to prattle on here for a good week, give you AJ's bio and regurgitate some stuff I read in the paper. Ignoring the obvious fact that no human would leave the kind of money AJ will be offered to stay with any company, no matter the circumstances, do you think he'll stay here because he's just figured out his preferred route to work? I know that once I changed jobs and I spent a good four years trying to figure out the quickest rou...

Voodoo Economics: I'm going to offer you a job my friend. Today is your lucky day. Based on your one call, I've decided to offer you a job here with the Toronto Blue Jays at 140% of your current pay. It is much more prestigious and we'll offer you lots of cool stuff as well. Would you accept? What if you current employer asked really nicely? You can start on Monday, I'll schedule the press conference.

JP and Mike chat about AJ's agent and the nature of players going through free agency for a second time. JP says nice things about the agent in a vain attempt to curry favour. No dice, you'll pay JP.

Tendons litter the Rogers Centre Floor: Everybody's hurt! Who's coming to save us all? If the pitching gets worse they'll lose 100 games!

Horatio Hornblower: Mike do you feel a draft? It feels drafty in here, but I like it. I thrive in drafty conditions. Cecil, Mills, others.

JP and Mike then discuss Arenciba taking BP. What a shock, JP says it went swimmingly. He hit balls to all fields, healed the sick and taught BJ Ryan to throw a knuckle ball.

Corporate Synergy Enjoyed by All: Should I sell my Rogers stocks? Where do they rank the Blue Jays? Is signing up for a three year data plan more meaningful than buying season tickets?

JP is in the blond girl's 5: Even I don't know that. They don't tell me anything. One thing I do know, MY5 is a great calling feature that lets you create your own calling circle...

The Longing: Who did you let go that you wish you coulda had?

The Yearning: Ted Lilly only tried to convert himself to a submariner mid-game and fight the manager mid-game once each. He'd be cool to have around.

Mikey mentions keeping Delgado before the money started flowing. My heart broke just a little. He also mentions Aaron Hill being with the team and looking good. My heart can take no more.

Cormac O'Reilly: Since the Famine, me 15 wee'uns and I like to go down the Rogers ground for Two Shilling Tuesday. Little Seany often tunes into the games at night, keeping the 7 children he shares a bed with up until all hours. Me kids love baseball, even more than Gaelic football! They want to know how the players get to the games? We were walking barefoot to Regan's First Communion and we saw a limousine. Were the players inside?

Wacking Day: Everyone loves baseball my spud-eating friend. The players ride their dump trucks powered by orphan tears to each game. On the road, we grease the streets with kitten blood and slide on our knees in Kevlar suits right into the ballpark. It's hard to find a hotel uphill sometimes.

Admitted Fairweather Fan: I read Ghostrunner on First all the time, and agree with the dashing young champion of Cito's cause. Why does he fall in love with guys in set "roles?"

Power Struggle: His job is more secure than mine. He can do whatever he wants.

A Betting Man: JP! I need the inside track! Who's going to win the World Series???? The wolves are literally at my door. My bookie has a wolf like Frodo in Sin City!


Baseball Insider: Regrets? You've had a few? Best transaction?

Humble JP: I made a deposit at the bank of YOMAMMA last night. Zing!

JP's Blackberry is going off AGAIN! The fuck man?

Guy already planning next year's fantasy draft: Who's on the free agent market?

JP: AJ Burnett. We aren't in the running?'s webmaster: I'm already planning 2012's fantasy draft. Who should I keep my eye on for my 40 man roster only team?

J-Jack: We have lots of good young men. They're good. And young! Tolisano sounds awesome. Go here, they know the youth.

WBC! Coming Soon to a Rogers Property Near You! Catch the fever! Buy the ticket!

Justify my love: Lot's of our guys are good. People want them to play on their team. Scott Richmond has a chance to play for Canada. BURN GRIFF. JP BURNED YOU.

Pissed Jeans: OMGJPwhatareyougoingtodoaboutthepitcherseverybodyishurtwhenwilltheycomeback?

Speaks fluent Teenager: We're going to be young.

Wilner throws in a dig about the Chiefs "moving" to Vegas. JP sounds like he threw up on his mic.

The Fence: I bet if I sniffed around on the internet, I could learn about all the wonderful metrics and systems to track defensive efficiency. But fuck it, I'll ask an old school, Ford Festiva with 400 000 miles driving-scout turned GM.

JP Stengal: I'm like a feral animal. ALL INSTINCT. Numbers can't teach me what I can see and touch.

Bob hates BJ: Send him away. Trade a player when his value is lowest for something much more valuable. Do it now!

JP hates BJ also: Never going to happen. He's very large and would inflict grievous bodily harm upon my person.

Imma nail you JP: Why do you hide behind the division you play in? Other teams overcome small budgets to win?

Pwn3d: But, but our division's REALLY hard. The other teams are ALWAYS good. It's not an excuse if I believe it to be fact.

Awww, no JP all winter. That sucks. Now I have to think another shtick to steal. Boo. I'm sure somebody else will think of something, I'll think it's cool and then: PROFIT!


Send forth the witticisms from on high