Thursday, June 4, 2009

By Hook or By Crook

I started a new job this week; a job that finds me at home more often than not. While that hardly makes me a businessperson, at least I'll be eligible to live blog today's Jays/Angels contest! Dirty Texan John Lackey against Hipster Doofus Brian Tallet. THE BATTLE FOR AUSTIN'S SOUL!!!! Be here at 12:37 peoples.

Pointless Update #1 Would I? WOULD I!! Are we giving tours of the Brandwagon's back seat already? He wuz a surferboi. H/T to Big League Stew, they've got video!

12:25: Lineups! Aren't we lucky, Vernon Wells gets the day off.
Your Blue Jays
  1. M. Scutaro ss
  2. A. Hill 2b
  3. A. Rios cf
  4. A. Lind lf
  5. K. Millar dh
  6. L. Overbay 1b
  7. J. Bautista 3b
  8. R. Chavez c
  9. J. Inglett rf
The Angels
  1. C. Figgins 3b
  2. E. Aybar ss
  3. V. Guerrero dh
  4. T. Hunter cf
  5. J. Rivera rf
  6. K. Morales 1b
  7. M. Napoli c
  8. R. Quinlan lf
  9. H. Kendrick 2b
Thoughts? BOOOO WE WANT ROLEN. More thoughts? The Jays send three consecutive hitters with the first initial 'A'. INCISIVE ANALYSIS BITCHES.

12:30: Starting for the Halos is John Lackey, a man wise enough to get thrown out of his first start of the year after two pitches.

12:35: More hard-hitting analysis: the Jays really don't want to lose this game. The Royals won't roll over for them, and then the Jays make their annual death march to Texas. A good month of June starts and ends this week.

12:37: The roof is open and they're ready to go! Brian Tallet faces Chone Figgans to start the game. Just throw strikes man.

12:40: Figgans works a work after falling behind 0-2. He fought off some good pitches but walks against this popless bunch of ninnies isn't a good plan.

12:43: Figgans does indeed suck. He needs to hear it early and often. Tallet gets ahead of Erick Aybar and repeatedly checks in on Chone at first.

12:46: Aybar grounded out with Figgans on the move. The Jays get the force at first but Figgans is on second for the Ghost of Vlady.

12:47: Fucking smallball horseshit. Figgans takes off for third prompting Bautista to break for the bag. Vlad drags one through the new-found hole and Chone trots in easily. FML 1-0 Halos. One on for Torii "Don't Call Me Vernon" Hunter

12:50: Goddamn Vlad steals goddamn second base. Chavez's throw goes into centerfield but Vlad's pooped and not going anywhere else.

12:51: What the fuck! Hunter lines the ball into left field, allowing Youppi's brother to score from second. 2-0 Angels for Juan Rivera with one down.

12:52: It would seem the entire Angels lineup is hustling shit bags. Hunter steals second, their third of the inning. Juan Rivera then bounces a double into the seats along the left field line. 3-0 Angels, Tallet's in trouble.

12:55: Hey, look at that! An out! Morales grounds out to short weakly for the second out. Rivera moves to third for some greasy catcher.

12:57: The greasy catcher in question strikes out to end the inning. Balls. The Jays are down 3 but I get to watch bail bond commercials from California so it's not all bad.

1:00: Scutaro works a full count before grounding one towards right field. Strugglebot Howie Kendrick sort of collects and and throws on to first for the first out. Scutaro hasn't been hitting it hard when I've been watching.

1:02: Aaron Hill grounded out faster than he learned to play Layla. Two down.

1:04: I can see this is going to be a productive afternoon. Rios is frozen by a fastball that looked 6 inches inside. Inning over, suffering's just begun!

1:07: Tallet starts well against hustling shitbag Robb Quinlan. He sure ran his white ass to first trying to combat the inevitable. Tallet responds by walking number 9 hitter who should be sent down Howie Kendrick. Fuck.

1:10: Hoo-ray. The Jays finally retire Figgans. Someone should tell him he sucks. Two down for Aybar.

1:11: Adam Lind, you magnificent bastard. Lind makes a meal out of a high fly ball to left field, but eventually makes an awkward catch. Whatever, inning over! 3-0 Devils

1:22: What I miss? Well, Adam Lind hit a ball to left center for a base hit, followed by a meager Millar pop out. Lyle Overbay hit a ball a tonne to centerfield which Torii Hunter eventually collected. Jose Bautista struck out and the inning was over just like that. Boo.

1:31: Stay single forever.

1:35: Soooo, Joe Inglett got a hit and Brian Tallet calmed down. Ignore Aaron Hill's double play. Didn't happen. Top of 4, 3-0 Halos

1:38: Calmed down like a fox! Tallet walks Morales to lead off the inning. The Angels color guy just stated "Facebook is awesome." I may be old...

1:40: Tallet strikes out the greasy catcher, his fourth of the afternoon. Against three walks. Ugh. One down in the fourth.

1:42: Robb Quinlan? Honestly?? Base hit to left field, a hard hit ball at that. Two on for Howie Kendrick. Now's the time Brian.

1:45: Weird. Scutaro goes into the hole to grab Kendrick's bouncer. His only play is to third, where Bautista should've been. He was in the area but still opted to tag out Morales during a force play. Whatever. Two down.

1:47: Goddammit Figgans. Base hit to centre field scores Quinlan and puts runners on the corners. 4-0

1:50: A shot of Dirk Hayhurst warming up is all it takes to get Tallet back on track. Aybar strikes out to end the inning. Playing with fire is over for now. Four zip.

1:55: Not enough candy for Alex this morning. He's down on strikes for the first out. Good thing Adam Lind is awesome! He drives the ball over Juan Rivera's head for a double that should have been an out. RISP!

1:57: Kevin Millar: born in California, lives in Texas, pines for Boston. He's a complex dude.

1:58: Well shit, if that isn't a run I don't know what is! Millar hits a grounder to third, deep enough to advance Lind. Lyle Overbay lines it right in front of the fumbling Rivera to plate the Jays first run!! Woo and hoo. 4-1 Angels.

2:00: The shine is off the Bautista rose. He sucks. Inning over. But one crossed.

2:02: Vlady leads off by squibbing one off the end of the bat to Hill at second. One out for Tallet, who's pitch count grows.

2:04: Tallet strikes out Hunter for the second out. His ability to miss bats should keep him in some team's rotation, if not the Jays. The Juan Rivera Fielding Experience steps in to justify his spot in the big leagues.

2:08: Maybe not a starter, as he clearly struggled during the first two innings. Bring in Camp or Frasor for the first two and bring Tallet in to close the door! A ground ball ends the inning.

2:10: Raul Chavez has done a backup catcher's work as the back up catcher. Actually he's done less cuz Barajas leads the league (or is right near the top) in innings. Chavez picks up a lead off single to bring up Doctor Joe Inglett.

2:11: Poor Inglett, he hasn't had much chance to succeed this season. From being hurt to being at the far end of the bench, there isn't much he can offer. He flies out here for the first out. Scoot Scoot Scutaro's bizarre bat steps in.

2:13: Torii Hunter is an idiot. Despite what the broadcast team says, he doesn't make it look easy, he makes it look hard. He turns a routine fly ball into an over-the-shoulder catch then spins and wings the ball back to the infield. I don't think catcher Raul Chavez was going to tag and go to second. Jackass. Two down for Hill.

2:15: Aaron Hill is the anit-PPA. He immediately grounds out to end the inning. Balls. 4-1 Angesl headed to the 6th.

2:17: Brian Tallet and his 100 pitches are still out there. Morales flies out for the first out. But Mike Napoli the greasy catcher gets the greenlight on a 3-0 pitch and drives it over the wall in left centerfield. That sucks. 5-1 Halos

2:20: The Halos unveil their new catcher:

2:21: Suckbag Howie Kendrick bounds out to Bautista to end the inning. The Jays really need to get into the grief-stricken Angels bullpen. They'll have another shot at Lackey in a few.

2:25: The Angels make a couple defensive moves; bringing in Gary "LOLswings" Mathews to play right field moving Rivera to right. Alex Rios strikes out for the third time to lead off the GD inning.

2:26: Adam Lind remains now and forever awesome. His third hit of the day is another double, this time to the right field corner. LEAVE HIM FOURTH CITO. But don't ever, ever, ever hit Millar fifth again. He boinks one off the first base bag for the easiest put out of Morales's career. Two down.

2:28: Overbay's 60 foot bouncer to Lackey ends the inning, yet my life continues on unabated. Something's wrong headed to the seventh. Balls.

2:30: Hey Hayhurst. He's smart, funny, and mop up-py. Good for him, I mean that. Apparently he's a real prince. Just about anything he does today will bring down his career big league WHIP of 2.22. That's just ugly.

2:32: Merry Christmas Dirk! Your first American League strikeout comes against Chone Figgans courtesy of the home plate umpire's flight out of town. A gift low and away for the first out. The second K comes right away off Erick Aybar is legit!! Two down for Vlad.

2:33: Welcome to the American League Dirk. Vlady nearly kills Hayhurst with a missile back up the box. He's on first for Torii Hunter, who singles right away.

2:34: Once again, fuck the Angels. They run themselves out of the inning again. Vlady tries to go first to third on Joe Inglett, who's accurate throw is cut off by Hill in an attempt to catch Torii Hunter. Hunter tried to sneak into second base on the throw but he's called out for being off the baseline during a brief rundown. Inning over, career WHIP falling! We're stretching! Your stretch music is Toronto's Fucked Up covering LA's Black Flag with Keith Morris providing the vocals. Enjoy.

2:38: Jose Bautista works a walk against the "cruising versus anybody but Lind" John Lackey. Raul Chavez stands in and hopes for the best.

2:40: Could this be a rally? Chavez spins one off the mound that Aybar just can't reach. Bautista scampers to third as the ball rolls into centerfield. Runners on the corners for Doctor Joe!

2:42: Some drop science, but I'm dropping INNNNGLETTT. He walks to load the bases and bring the pitching coach out to stall. Justin Speier is quickly warming in the pen, hopefully he'll flip out and fight his teammates again when he blows this.

2:43: Did Vernon Wells pinch hit and nobody tell me? Scutaro swings at the first pitch, an absolute hanger, but pops up an infield fly. He's out for Hill with one down. Snatching victory I say!

2:45: Hey, at least it's a run. Hill pounds the ball into the plate but Lackey deflects it slightly. Keeps the Jays out of the double play allowing one run to score. Two down with two on for Hat Trick Rios.

2:46: Make it the Golden Sombrero. FML and be careful whom you praise. Alex lives off fear and despises comfort. Inning over 5-2 Master Chiefs

2:49: Thank heavens for small victories: Brandon League is in to pitch!!! I'm officially excited, though I fear my site is slightly broken.

2:50: You're never gonna believe this: Brandon League induced a ground ball. One out in the Angels eighth.

2:52: A rare fly ball and a rare "nice" play by Adam Lind. I can't even really tell he makes them all look so adventurous. Either way, two down quickly by League.

2:53: Nice inning by League. Threw some nice slider-type pitches, always a good sign from him. As soon as I type this, JOSE FUCKING BAUTISTA THROWS AWAY THE MOST ROUTINE PLAY OF HIS LIFE. I want Rolen!

2:55: The sun makes the Angels helmets look almost translucent and slightly cheesy. As if they grabbed them from Dairy Queen on the way to the ballpark. Gary Matthews sucks and flies out to end the inning. Nice job getting getting four outs sir. START THE BRANDWAGON.

3:00: Not even LOOGY Darren Oliver can retire Adam Lind! Lindiana's finest is now 4-4 after going 3-5 yesterday. He's all man.

3:01: Ready for another cock tease inning? Millar strokes a base hit to left field putting two on with nobody out for Lyle Overbay. Dare he do something against a lefty? Cito's confidence is the wind beneath his wings.

3:02: Weeee wild pitch moves everybody up one base! I smell promise!

3:04: Gary Matthews is bad and not particularly bright, it seems. Your team is up three runs: WHY DIVE WITH NOBODY BEHIND YOU. Lil Sarge whiffs on Overbay's sinking liner plating two Jays! 5-4 Diddling Ministers! Overbay's on second with nobody out and ol'Radiation Poisoning is going to the pen! Boners finally!

3:06: Keep that boner greased - Justin Speier's in to pitch!!!! Bautitsta knows he sucks and is giving himself up via the bunt. Weak sauce.

3:09: Score one for not bunting. Bautista works a walk to bring up the catcher. Barajas will pinch hit so the Angels are having a slumber party on the mound. Uh, Cito, maybe bunt now? Nevermind.

3:12: Really? Pinch hitting to bunt? Could Chavez do that too? The first bunt rolls mercifully foul as it would have been night night for the lead runner. HOORAY, FUCK BUNTING. Barajas opts to deposit a looper into center for a base hit. Bases bloated for Doctor Joe!

3:15: Poor Joe. Inglett lashes a ball right into the drawn-in field. That may actually work to the Jays advantage, that was two had the infield been back. One down for Scutaro.

3:17: What's that crap on Speier's hat. Horseshit I say. Not horseshit? SCUTARO SAC FLY. The game's knotted at 5! Rebonered!

3:19: Speier's bouncing splitters trying to get Hill to chase. Eventually he does. C'est dommage! TIE GAME HEADED TO THE NINTH

3:20: I hope Brandon League's over his leverage aversion. He's on to start the ninth. Howie Kendrick greets him with a bunt single. Well poop.

3:22: Figgans shows bunt on the first pitch. I can't image bunting Brandon League's nastiness is very easy. Apparently slapping League's down and in sinker into right for a base hit IS easy. Balls. Runners on the corners with nobody out.

3:24: Well that sucked. Aybar hits a double play ball right to Hill, causing Kendrick to pause at third. The double play goes 4-6-3 but Kendrick breaks for the plate! Overbay's throw is late so the Angels take the lead 6-5. Motherbitch!

3:25: Brandon League, after striking out Vlad to end the inning, looks skyward and clearly says FUCK ME. One lucky hit on a tough pitch is all it takes for League to wear the goat horns. Luckily the heart of the Jays order is coming up in the bottom of the afjsldkfjasdklfjasdljfklj let's drink. Can Rios strike out 5 times? Can Adam Lind join Cito in choking his teammates? On Brian Fuentes knows for sure.

3:29: I dunno how much blame we can assign League here. One hard hit ball on a good pitch, a bunt and a double play? Happens I guess. That said ALEX RIOS JUST STRUCK OUT FOR THE FIFTH DAMN TIME. He looked terrible doing it, you'll be shocked to learn. One down for Lind.

3:30: ADAM LIND IS THE BIZARRO RIOS. Five for five son. Double down the right field line. Get his picture on the side of the Dome. Preferably in front of Trent Edwards.

3:32: Adam Lind has 8 straight hits. Recognize. Kevin Millar takes a close pitch in a 3-1 count that just misses. Two on for Overbay! Only one out. Wells will run for Millar and my boner is somewhere in my throat. THE TENSION

3:35: FYI - my boner's in my throat cause I'm really bendy and Lyle Overbay is 2 fer 4 today. Also worth noting: the crowd is fucking dead. The bottom of the ninth people, stand the crap up. I'm sure there's a wave going somewhere.

3:37: Overbay strikes out on a 3-2 pitch that missed up. Not ball four and not a pitch he can take there. It's all up to Bautista. KARMA!

3:40: Le sigh. Bautista tries to check his swing on a fastball on the inside half. Swing the bat brother. Also, a big fuck you to all the corpses in attendance today. Bang your fins together every now and then or stay the fuck home. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, I apologize if you had any technical problems. A nice comeback stops a little short, what can you do? Brandon League gets the loss because the universe hates me. Later kids!


  1. You're no longer a big wheel at the cracker factory?

    Liakos is disappointed.

  2. Ha ha ha ... awkward banter, awkward banter. Uncomfortable laugh, uncomfortable laugh.

    I'm sure Brandon let her ride his surfboard, if you know what I mean!

  3. Sportsnet pisses me off. Would any of you fine fellows happen to know of a site on which one could find a totally (il)legal broadcast of this afternoon's game?

  4. I wish I was at the game today so I could tell Figgins that he sucks.

  5. Vlad's numbers are shit, but he is still as scumbaggish as ever.

  6. Would you put Figgans into the hustling shit-bag category?

  7. There is a lot of disapproving hand wanks going on right now.

  8. No doubt the dismissive wank gesture will come out before the end of the game.

  9. That bail bond commercial was awesome.

  10. Jerry said Tallet's having trouble with his control. He had the same problem early in his last start -- Saturday afternoon's game, I believe.

    Is there a flaw in his warm-up, does he not like pitching day games, or is it just an unfortunate coincidence?

  11. Ten cent beer night sounds right up my alley.

  12. I'm pretty sure that guy just made a jerk off joke.

  13. Bases loaded - nobody out. Come on guys!

  14. I haven't watched the entire game/series but am disappointed in the lack of people wearing hollowed out watermelons on their heads.

  15. Hot damn! Lyle Overbay double machine circa 2007 clears the bases. I smell a late-inning rally here, boys!

  16. It's nice to see the Jays teasing Scioscia with the Bruce Power advertisements behind home plate.

  17. still glogging? I didn't even know you were glogging!

    Pinch hit, get Vern in there!!

  18. This would be a good time for Aaron Hill to resume awesomeness. CITOCITY

  19. Can "Boner Up!" Be Millar's new "Cowboy Up!"?

  20. WTF happened with League? Has he reverted to the Brandon of just a few weeks ago? Time for the rally caps ...

  21. Come on, come on, come on.... DAMN!

  22. Consider this my vote for Adam Lind as the new cleanup hitter. First day on the job, and he goes 5 for 5. Now THAT'S what a #4 hitter is supposed to look like. Vernon, start taking notes.

  23. BTW, you called it Drew - 2 out of 3 against the Red Sox and 1 out of 3 against the Angels. Any chance you can pick my lottery numbers for next week?

  24. I'm so sick of Wells and Rios.

    We need a nickname for the duo. Suggest one here:


Send forth the witticisms from on high