Monday, March 16, 2009

A Study in Robotics: Watching Halladay Prepare

Good news, cubicle bound lifeforms! Roy Halladay plans on teaching the Red Sox numerous lessons on live TV today. Having pulled the chute on today's scheduled toil; I'll gladly dickjoke and youtube my way through today's game, the Halladay parts anyway. Be here at 1 for all the Jamie Campbell hijinks!!

Pregame Update: Though Sportsnet promoted the hell out of this broadcast during the three WBC games I watched yesterday, I don't see any mention of it anywhere. Not their online interactive guide nor on my actual Rogers cablebox. I may let Mikey Wilner and the FAN team guide us through the day, though making dick jokes based on radio broadcast may not go so smoothly.

Lineup Update: No Rocco, making this entire exercise utterly futile. But I'll soldier on. Of course Halladay starts for the Jays, Justin Masterson's live arm starts for the Sox.
  1. J. Ellsbury, CF

  2. J. Lowrie, SS

  3. J.D. Drew, RF

  4. C. Carter, 1B

  5. J. Bard, DH

  6. J. Bailey, LF

  7. A. Chavez, 3B

  8. N. Green, 2B

  9. D. Brown, C
  1. J. Inglett, LF

  2. A. Hill, 2B

  3. A. Lind, DH

  4. L. Overbay, 1B

  5. J. Bautista, 3B

  6. J. Lane, CF

  7. T. Snider, RF

  8. R. Chavez, C

  9. J. McDonald, SS
My lineup observations? Lots of guys have J as their first initial. There you go.

Another pointless update: Looks like it's strictly Fuck sportsnet and their false-ass advertising.

12:51: I picked up Pride of Baghdad yesterday. It was great. Hardly subtle, but certainly enjoyable. Brian K. Vaughn is the king.

1:00: Sick babies are no fun.

Boston picked up two quick hits to score a run, Halladay then made quick work of the scrubs. The Jays made two quick outs, got two hits before succumbing to the versatile Justin Masterson. 1-0 Red Sox, 1-0 babies in the other game of our doubleheader.

1:22: Some clown just hit a home run. Something is off kilter in the universe. Johnny Mac just helped temper my ire.

1:27: A quick K, a groundball single and a ground out and the inning is over. Halladay contemplates seppoku as its 2-0 Sox.

1:30: Jason Lane doubles to left as Jerry & Alan discuss his options and merits. His merits are few, his flash pan is many.

1:32: TRAVIS SNIDER IS MADE OF MAGIC. Dude hit a massive bomb to right to tie the game. Alan wants him hitting in the middle of the order. There is a bulge in the middle of my pants. 2-2!

1:35: The bottom feeders at the bottom of the order go quickly to end the inning. I agree with Ashby, why hide Snider in the 7th or 8th spot? Sorry Lyle, your left handed bat's moving south in the lineup. 2-2

1:40: Top of three already? Jed Lowrie leads off, an effective fill in middle infielder. I belittled someone for drafting him yesterday, mostly because I'm jealous. No sooner do I praise him does fucking Lowrie hit an opposite field home run off the foul pole. Sounds like Doc is experimenting with his changeup a lot today, and having trouble keeping it down. IT'S ALL A PROCESS DAMMIT. 3-2 Red Leggings.

1:42: Alan and Jerry are making excuses for Brad Mills and all Jays pitchers yesterday, saying "the balls weren't rubbed up properly." Whatever dudes. Two quick Halladay styled outs before Josh fucking Bard hits a long fly ball off the right field wall. breathe.....breathe......he's experimenting....breathe....

1:45: Snider ends the inning with (what I assume to be) a nice running catch. Diaper break! If you can't relate to that, I encourage a vasectomy. Maybe two.

1:50: Jays go 1-2-3 with 2ks. Jerry and Alan were praising Halladay's steely demeanor. I think they were the ones sporting steel. I'll reiterate my point about Masterson's valuable arm. Imagine if Brandon League or Jeremy Accardo could spot start, outside of Cito's delusions. Theo knows what he's doing. 3-2 Sox

1:55: Angel Chavez leads off the fourth with a single to left. That must be the Chavez that Magglio came out in favor of. Eliminating term limits? Screw you Hugo. Alan Ashby digs into the bag of cliches and comes up with SOLID. Jason Lane is a SOLID center fielder. Or boring, ineffective but white. PS Ashby, I don't want to sit in a wine bar and watch a baseball game. Stop shilling bro!

Booth guffaws are my favorite kind of guffaws. Jerry and Alan are interrupted by actual game action as they try to name guys with coloured names from the Vida Blue-era A's. I may be old, but there are limits to my entertainment. Meanwhile, Halladay put the deathglare on "brown note" and struck out two in that half inning. 3-2 headed to the bottom of 4.

2:05: I've officially got it out for Jose Bautista. He bounces a basehit over or near the third baseman but I remain unmoved. He's got one extra base hit all spring. Square it up or it means nothing.

2:10: Jason Lane continues to excel at squaring it up. A double down the line puts Jays at second and third with Sniderman on his way to the plate. Tito got the hook for Masterson, bringing in Daniel Bard. Alan remains dubious of his credentials. Wearing number 72 says what must be said.

2:11: Travis Snider is the king of all creation. Wilner confesses Snider told him yesterday "you've got to get your money's worth up there" yet Travis Snider sounds to be having a great at bat. Fouling off fastballs, curveballs, taking pitches. His ceiling has now reached Carlos Delgado levels. Congrats Travis, hope you like pressure. He finally strikes out on a nice curve, good at bat in my mind.

Ground out scores a run, Johnny Mac pooch punts one to second to end the inning. 3-3, with Wilner stepping to the mic.

2:15: This is likely Halladay's last inning, so he's not wasting any time exacting revenge on Jed Lowrie with a quick out. J.D. Drew's struck out twice already today, likely due to the VERY LOUD footsteps of a certain right fielder waiting in the wings to steal his job. Wilner tells me Halladay allowed the lead off man each inning before this one, I refuse to believe. Drew's out, Carter's up. He gets traded a lot, mostly because he's terrible. For all his struggles today, Halladay's struck out 5 in 4.2 innings.

2:20: Chris Carter sends this game to X-Files levels by hitting a massive, wind-blown home run off of Roy Halladay. 4-3 Sox, all while my belief system crumbles. Hallady's now getting squeezed, walking Bard after getting ahead 0-2. If anyone needs me, I'll be rending my garments. Luckily a pop up ends the inning before I'm naked in front of my young child. Headed to the bottom of 5, its 4-3 Sox.

2:25: I like Doctor Joe Inglett just fine, but if he even approaches his 2008 numbers, I'll be shocked. That said, I don't like the thought of Millar making the team over him. Joe Inglett gets throw out trying to stretch a double into a triple, a shame. Mikey Wilner gets more excited than Jerry's been cumulatively in the month of March. Aaron Hill responds with a double, a run they'll regret never as nobody fucking cares about Spring Training. Hill's day is done as Eamus is in to run. I hope someone throws him an Eephus pitch in his first at bat.

2:30: As Wilner speculates on the potential lineup, I can't help but think Snider in between Rios and Wells is a good bit of business. FUCK YES. Lyle Overbay changed his number back to 35, something I called for the day after Thomas left town. Wilner slides in a Seinfeld joke, too subtle for Alan to follow up. C'mon Ashby, it's all about timing. Baustista strikes out after Overbay walks to end the inning. Sixth inning already? 4-3 Red Sox.

2:35: SEND IN THE CLOWNS! Pretty much wholesale changes I won't even attempt to recap here, more importantly Bo Junior has taken to the hill. A long fly ball is the first out of the inning.

2:40: Another fly ball for the second out, but more importantly: THE BEER GUY IN DUNIDEN CHANGED HIS NAME TO THE BEER GUY. BJ gets a K to end the inning, and I'm going to shut this mother down. Halladay didn't look great, but he was trying to work a new pitch into his arsenal. He'll be fine, as he always is. Thanks for stopping by, I'll do this again soon. Live blogs are great fun. Oh and GO ON YOU IRONS!


  1. Really, they're broadcasting this game? HOT DAMN!

  2. Day off, I'm in. How are we doing this? Is it on the Fan?

  3. Holy. There really are a lot of J's for first names in there. Nice catch!

  4. Not on the fan but on They might even let Wilner do a few innings.

  5. Damn it, T.V. isn't working now. I have a feeling it will pop-up on Sportsnet, they've messed up their guides before.

    Though, I just re-read this:

    But it probably isn't a big deal to pick up a Grapefruit League game if you wanted to.

  6. I feel at home in either of these lineups...

  7. I feel your pain on the sick baby. The flu has destroyed my household this year.

  8. I would buy a Snider jersey is buying baseball jerseys wasn't against my personal, razor-thin belief system.

  9. eyebleaf, I'm sorry about the Yankees cap jam in the draft (not really). I could tell it hurt you in the innermost recesses of your black Yankee soul.

  10. I'll learn you ton belittle me for picking Lawrie!

    But really, who else was I going to pick? Nomar?

  11. Ack, I was young. Stupid. Foolish. I made mistakes. Today, I rock nothing but the finest Blue Jays New Era caps. I've learned from the mistakes of my youth, and that's life. It's human to err. It's learning lessons from those errors that make us who we are today.

    I bleed Blue Jay. Let no one tell you otherwise.


  12. Something tells me Halladay's chip just needed to be cleaned up. Probably dusty, but it did save the BoSox from dying. Today at least.

  13. Lloyd, I think I recall you mentioning something about a Pete Orr jersey that you were going to display proudly at the WBC. I think I was duped.

  14. I thought the Irons was a reference to perennial L1 powerhouse Scunthorpe? Are you saying the Shammers go by the same alias?

  15. Indeed they do. They're also known as the "Settle out of courters with the blood sucking Blades."

    I mentioned something about a Newmarket high jersey Ian, nothing about Orr specifically. Sadly I didn't go to Newmarket High so I own no such product.

  16. Newmarket High - that's what it was! At least you didn't show up to the WBC in a Leafs jersey, that's all I'm sayin ...


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