Wednesday, August 27, 2008

When Love and love Collide

David Purcey only pitches on 6 days rest. Tough work if you can get it. This large lefty makes his third consecutive Wednesday outing, this week against the Rays. Meaning we are fortunate enough to witness Rocco as the Rays DH! God bless you David Purcey, you and your genetic shortcomings! This not-so momentous occasion calls for me to half-assedly live blog this non-event! Rocco's at-bats anyway. I'm stuck at work, and can't think of anything better to do. I'm still going to do my highly original Wednesday's with JP gonzo-journoterrorist styled takedown tomorrow, but this will tide me over.

Check back around 7!

7:16: I made it home, fuck work! The TTC didn't let me down, as I sped home at a top speed of 71 km/h, allowing me to wander in my door in time to see Alex Rios almost kill two outfielders. En route, I enjoyed the soothing sounds of Fucked Up's Hidden World. I slept on this record for far too long, but don't you make the same mistake!

7:21: The Jays take the field, Rocco is hitting clean up as the gods intended. Ball-throwin' machine David Purcey K's Akinori to start the game. I'm going to glog this for as long as I can. The old lady will be home soon, and she will surely ruin my fun enrich my life in numerous ways.

7:23: Tabby throws the mad curse down on Overbay. Pena on, Rocco up. He gets a nice ovation from the dozens of Rays fans on hand, leading into a solid ROC-CO chant that quickly dies. David Purcey rings Rocco up with a nice pitch on the corner. Jamie Campbell is spared having to expand on Rocco's injuries; something that may have cost him his life. Inning over.

7:28: Adam Lind interrupts the Matt Garza slurp-job with a base hit up the middle. Overbay comes to the plate and the audio/video go to shit on my TV. I'll have Campbell's head for this.

7:31: Smallball can lick my small balls. Bouncer up the middle ruins a perfectly pointless hit-and-run. 2 out for Canucking Stairs. He goes down on strikes, Matt Garza smirks away.

7:40: Willy Aybar singles and Jamie Campbell informs us that Ben Zobrist is the Rays version of Russ Adams. Benny then strikes out in a very Russ Adams-y fashion. Shawn Riggans steps up, and Jamie Campbell casually mentions that he and Chone Figgans are mortal enemies from their time on Krypton. That's why he's there and I'm here. Riggans disobeys Lex Luthor, trying to emulate Figgans with a swinging bunt. The catcher can't leg it out. Purcey picks up his fourth strikeout, sending the other Italian outfielder back to the bench.

7:49: Rod Barajas goes down and strikes, continuing his not-really-that-good season. He has Jays fans (and announcers) drinking the Scutaro-juice somehow. Guy that would kill for a .300 OBP Johnny Mac goes down quickly, followed by a Joe Inglett double to the corner. Joe Inglett is 2-2, and worming his way into the scrappy guy-shaped hole in Toronto's heart. Those fucking cowbells make the empty building (of a first place team) 1000x tougher to take. Just over 13000 took in last night's contest. Florida sucks.

7:56: Scutaro works a walk, the people dressed as blue seats don't agree. Alex Rios is hot, Garza needs a talking to. The leather-lunged guy that hated Hinske was the only thing resembling soul in this dump, he is missed. Alex Rios swings at ball four with the count 3-0. Sigh. Inning over.

8:01: Jamie Campbell stumps for his waste of time blog. "Do you think AJ will opt out?" Not sure Jamie, but I'm sure your Rogers press release will offer some edgy insight. Bartlet strikes out, as does Iwamura. Purcey has 6 already, mostly be getting ahead. Awesome to see. Upton pops out, the blue chairs offer their mild indifference.

8:07: Vernon Wells pops out quickly, while Jamie Campbell continues to express his love for Matt Garza. It's understandable, kid can bring it and has fared well against the Jays this season. By my count, he's faced them 26 times, allowing -6 runs. Wow, he actually has an ERA of 0.39 against the Jays. Lind grounds out but Lyle Overbay goes the other way and stretches a double into a single. Rusty Zobrist hustles up to keep Lyle on first. HOORAY! Our first Reed Johnson reference of the day. Fuck. Matt Stairs shows the sad face as he weakly pops up to Reedy Zobrist. Inning over, Rocco due up!

8:14: Carlos Pena hits one to the moon, and the leather-lunged jerk makes himself heard. 1-0 Rays. Rocco strikes out again, and I question my purpose in life. DAVID PURCEY IS MADE OF MAGIC, AND JUST STRUCK OUT THE SIDE. Jesus.

8:23: Sportsnet highlights the Rays history of ineptitude. The blue chairs shout in agreement. Rod Barajas strikes out again, and John MacDonald breaks his bat tapping the plate, causing Pat Tabler and Jamie Campbell to guffaw with gusto. Chone Riggans takes one in the manplaces, after Matt Garza shook him off. Let that be a lesson to you Riggans. Johnny Mac goes down in a somewhat feeble manner. Jamie Campbell hates success, informing the public that Joe Inglett is halfway to the cycle. A retiree in Brandon, Manitoba just had a heart attack. "We're going to win a million bucks Millie!" Inglett strikes out. My snark may be obscuring the fact that this is an old-fashioned pitcher's duel. Highly enjoyable.

8:35: David Purcey is on fire, mowing down the Rays once more. He picked up his 10th K in the process. My timing is impeccable.

8:45: The Jays go in order once again, as Matt Garza has found his groove. My attention is taken from the game because Cosmo Kramer is a profit. Iwarmura bunts for a single, and Upton moves him up. Pena flies to centre, and Akinora aggressively moves to third. Rocco steps to the plate, with redemption on his mind.

9:23: This is setting up as an epic failure for me. Wived away from the computer, Rocco picking up three strikeouts and the Jays might end up losing. Fuck. Matt Garza is out of the game now, having walked two men on. Jamie Campbell forgot that Matt Stairs is out of the game, but I won't hold it against him.

9:25: Motherfucker. The din of 12000 cowbells is too much for Adam Lind. Aussie Balfour climbs the ladder on him. My failure continues.

9:28: Matt Garza was talking to his hat, a mantra from which he gains strength I assume. Why is it okay on the baseball field, but in real life that makes you a crazy person? A weird squibber that Jason Bartlett beats out sums up my night, nay my life. Akinori Iwamura smashes one back at Purcey, which almost kills him. Purcey (my mother's maiden name, incidentally) knocks it down and makes the play. Cito leaves Purcey in to face Upton with 2 out. This is a noteworthy at bat. Upton lines out to Lind in left, retiring the side and further soiling Purcey's sweat-soaked pants.

9:35: Converted closer Dan Wheeler checks into the game and Gabe Gross is in for defense. Campbell praises Purcey, who was lights fucking out tonight. Overbay swears like a trucker, having jussst missed his pitch. One down, Jose Bautista has a chance to contribute to a winning team in a big spot. He promptly strikes out on the same pitch that got him all weekend. This sucks. I need no more cowbell!

9:41: FUCKING SHIT. YOU AREN'T ROCCO, HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT CATCH?!? Barajas clubs one deep to left, but Justin Ruggiano makes an incredible catch to end the game. What a hose job. A great, brisk game that ends with the bluest of balls. I'm going to hatefuck JP and Wilner's callers tonight.

Thanks for stopping by, I am a failure in every way. I'll have to do this again sometime, when the old lady is far, far away. I joke, she's good people. Far too good for the likes of me.


Send forth the witticisms from on high