Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Anger Runeth Over

After my fruitless live blog, I was rewarded with the angry and misinformed calling JP full of venom. Three people talking on air doesn't exactly make for great radio, but Wilner & Co. cutting people off is always fun. Coming off a tough loss, JP begins by morosely going over the last few games. Then Wilner and JP go over the trade of Robinson DiaHOLY SHIT, THERE IS A ZOMBIEBABY ON MY TV!!! That Canadian girl just shot the zombie baby!!!!11!! ZOMBIE BABIES EVERYWHERE!!

First Nervous Caller: Umm, uhh, what about AJ Burnett.

JP the Salesman: We don't know what he'll do. But if he doesn't lose his mind, we aren't likely to pursue him as a free agent.

Every sensible bloggers father, perhaps even JP's own flesh and blood: Richard Griffin is a fucking chump. You do a bang up job, this team isn't so bad. Good work JP!

JP Continues the Hard Sell: Well thanks fella, we really think we're doing a good job, we like our team. I don't read the paper because Griffin doesn't believe any of the things he writes. Ask the other teams about our organization and they'll tell youOH MAN, HUMANS V. ZOMBIE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN. MARSELLUS WALLACE JUST SHOT A ZOMBIE IN THE EYEnderachieved this season. (he's been talking for 90 seconds uninterrupted at this point, but makes a good point about not being trapped under too many bad contracts.) Wilner chimes in with a gooZOMBIES IN THE SEWERS! SAVE THE DOG! RUN MOTHERFUCKnd thanks for tuning into JP's book club.

Toronto's Angriest Man: I've talked a lot of shit on your JP, but now I get to say it to your face! This is great! So many bad trades, so much money tied up in Frank Thomas, Shannon Stewart and Scott Rolen! You gave AJ Burnett the first ever opt-out clause for a pitcher, Troy Glaus>>>Scott Rolen. Plus, you're too uncouth (!) and arrogant to get good free agents.

JP will defend himself once the ranting subsides: We weren't the only ones to give out a glorified player-option to a pitcher, and Troy Glaus wanteOMG ZOMBIE TRUCKS! SHOOT THE PROPANE TANK AND KILL THE ZOMBIESlaus was deeply embroiled in an HGH scandal, and had a crappy year last year. And wanted out. Plus Scott Rolen is awesome. And Frank Thomas sucked this year, which is why we cut him. It had nothing to do with the HUGE OPTION for next year that we didn't want to pay. And he's barely played for the A's.

Man with Quiroz-coloured glasses: We've been giving away our top catching prospects for bums! I could throw a fastball past Bautista! I just said "givin'em the shaft" on the radio! Weeee!

JP, Stifling Laughter: Hrm. Guillermo Quiroz current sports an OPS+ of 44. That is higher than both his years with the Blue Jays. Kevin Cash, he of the sub .300 On Base and OPS+ of 65. Not supremely terrible. We must have made a mistake. Or we gave him two shots to "make a statement" and he OPS+ 42 one year (in 181 ABs) and -2 the year before (in 106 ABs.) NEGATIVE TWO!!! In a similar number of at bats, his OPS+ is 80 points lower than Kevin Mench; and he's terrible!

The Babblingest Brook In the World: Without any exaggeration, this poor bastard went on for two full minutes without really saying a single thing. It was a trainwreck. I can't even think of any jokes, it just sounded like this. He managed to mumble something about pitching.

JP Draft Good! Our pitching is pretty great. We've got Halladay, Marcum, Burnett (riiiight), Litsch, Purcey, Cecil, Romero LIKE GEORGE ROMERO, WHO'S MOVIE FEATURES PEOPLE RUNNING FOR BOATS! GET TO THE BOATS BEFORE THE ZOMBIES DO!!'ve got a bunch of kids that have really moved through the system. Yay!

Obligitory Canadian Zealot: Rich Harden is fucking great! Get him! I blame Sportsnet for this. Watching the West Coast version of Connected, they only show highlights of BC guys, and refer to their hometown constantly. Get a life, who cares?

JP the Couthless: Not happening. He's still under contract. Though he really and truly is awesome. And cute!

Replay Guy: Replay?

JP: Sure. Don't slow the game down. Where do you draw the line?

Very Polite Young Man: Fuck the players, bring us a winner!

Super Defensive JP: I know I'm ignoring your question here, but seriously, believe in me! My trades are good, despite the fact that the players haven't worked out.

Cito's BFF: How did Cito fall into your lap? Why didn't he get any other jobs? 60 games in, it is still slightly disturbing to me that Cito Gaston is the Blue Jays Manager in 2008. I think I forget from time to time. It defies all logic, and yet it seems to be working! Inasmuch as changing the manager can work. The hitters not being terrible works in his favor.

Honest, Vulnerable JP: That is a good question, I think I heard about him getting a few job offers befoOH NO, THE MAIN WHITE GUY HAS A ZOMBIE BITE! HE'S TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM. THE MOVIE IS OVER, THEY'RE SAFE ON A BOAT. WAIT, WHAT IS IN THAT COOLER? ZOMG!!!! ZOMBIE HEAD!!!! We really like what Cito's done for us.

Bongzilla: Catchers? Gregg Zaun is gritty!

JP the Draftmaster: The next guy's name is JP! He can't miss!

Sylvester Stallone in Lock Up: Cito; Locked Up? I heard he was locked up. Is he locked up? Lock it up!


The last guy sends JP a big, wet kiss and Wilner tries to get September call-up names out of the GM. He isn't biting, but ZOMBIES DO!


  1. That was certainly an interesting version of "Wednesday's with JP". I thought that second caller was going to crawl through the phone and put J.P. in a Cobra Clutch.

    What was up with that guy saying he could strike out Bautista? And the caller who went on and on and on "nevertheless, that's not important, so let me go on another 3 minute tangent and maybe I'll eventually ask a question"

  2. I think the three minute tangent guy wet his pants. He was so nervous, the poor bastard.

    Also, Dawn of the Dead is a cinematic triumph

  3. If I was on the phone with J.P. I would be shitting my pants too.

    I agree, DotD is a fine film. Ving Rhames kicks ass in that.


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