Wednesday, August 13, 2008

David Purcey Makes a Statement

Loudly and proudly, the big lefty made a bold statement: Lloyd the Barber is an idiot.

I, for one, agree.

In his (my) defence, Brandon League is awesome. I claim complete ownership over his greatness. Ground floor! Ground floor!

I am very much afraid of Gary Sheffield, in both a baseball sense and a public safety sense.

Why am I longing for Eckstein? Is there anyway he and Inglett could play every day? I am experiencing strong yet conflicting feelings here. I'm nauseated and woozy. This is bad.

Wednesdays with JP! Mouthbreathers Unite!

I don't usually listen to JP's hour on the radio, but there it was on Wilner's blog, and here I am looking for an excuse to shoot my mouth off. I feel like I'm stealing numerous people's shtick here. For that I apologize.

First question: Why wouldn't you get Paul Byrd? Ya could've, ya know? Fer nothin!

JP's paraphrased answer: Because he sucks. He'd maybe be as good as our 4/5th starter, except he makes 5 times as much money. And he sucks. Yes, he pitched well against the Jays once. You know, the Jays team that can't score runs and has a terrible offense that you constantly complain about.

Unbeknownst to this "fan", the other Major League clubs don't play against the Jays exclusively. When Paul Byrd faces teams that don't have an offense that ranks in bottom third of the league, he gets lit. And he sucks.

Rational Human that likely works for the FAN: Bob McGowan wants to have a tête-à-tête. Will you?

Lloyd the Riccardi
: Bob McGowan is a smart, entertaining guy. A smart, entertaining guy that hosts a drive-time radio program. Bob v. JP would be big business. And a futile lose-lose situation for JP.

Bob would say "You turned a .500 baseball team into a .500 baseball team." JP would say "We have an enough young, cheap pitching to fill two farm systems. We currently carry maybe three (Overbay, Ryan, and kinda, sorta, Wells) bad and/or questionable contracts. Team interest is at all time high. Our pitching keeps us in every game. We will contend for a playoff spot with even a slight offensive improvement." And Bob would say they didn't win enough games, and you've had 7 years. JP would agree, and say he wishes they won more. Bob would smugly point out that JP, by his own admission, is a failure. They'd go back and forth, without ever really discussing baseball (which Bob knows very little about) at all. Then they'd go off the air, and Bob would say "Thanks JP, that was really good radio." And JP will have wasted his time.

Earnest Youngster: I heart the Jays and you're doing a bang-up job. Good work JP.

JP: I value your opinion slightly less than that of the rosin bag. But thanks.

Another dummy: My friends and I think you should trade Halladay for a bat. lol!

What JP wanted to say: Fuck off.

What JP actually said
: Seriously, fuck off. Go back to reading the same article Maxim has been publishing for 8 years.

Same dummy: You can pitch a no-hitter and have a Gold Glove defence, but if you don't put any runs across you are going to lose.

Lloyd the Apologist: Incorrect. At worst, you'd be tied. So THERE!

Hopeless dreamer: Grady Sizemore is good. Go get him!

JP the Barber: I'd love to, but I'm balls deep in Megan Fox right now. I was in the process of calling Mark Shapiro with an offer this afternoon; but Hemingway called and asked that I orate my memoirs to him. Then Megan came over. I'll get to it tomorrow.

Harsh Realist: Alex Rios is lazy and lacks motivation.

Bizarro JP: He hates his job, a job that maybe 120 people in the entire world are qualified to do. The job you'd kill a bus full of nuns to have. And he's richer than you could ever comprehend. Richer than you'll ever be, even if you lived a thousand lifetimes. You spend your Wednesday evening's calling me to complain about baseball players lack of heart; he's in bed with somebody's wife and daughter right now. At the same time! Like right this very minute! Sleep tight!


  1. I'd like to purchase the film rights to this transcript. I hope we can work something out.

    I see Bobcat Goldthwait as McCown. Al Pacino will, of course, play JP.

    Megan Fox will play Megan Fox.

  2. sheff is one crazy fucking mother fucker.

    and you have got to do more of these wednesday's with JP! thing...fuckin golden, dude...

    and /a is right on, Al Pacino as JP would be siiiick

    oh, and fuck paul byrd.

  3. I'd rather see Owen Wilson play JP (cuz of the nose thing) and watch him butcher a Boston accent for 2 hours (preferably 3). Now wouldn't that be way better than Al Pacino? Will Ferrell could be Bobcat. And of course Megan Fox would be Megan Fox. Then they could have a threesome like they did in yea, great post.

  4. Lloyd, any interest in some sort of collaboration for a live blog of Canada-USA tomorrow night? Your pithy barbs are always more than welcome chez nous.



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