Thursday, August 21, 2008

Purcey, Purcey Me

A distinct sense of inevitability hung over tonight's game. David Purcey has made great strides of late, but remains a little wild and overly reliant on his fastball (so says the smart kid, and those that steal from the smart kid.) That does not sound like recipe for success against the Yankees, scuffling or otherwise. Another shocking turn of events saw the Jays struggle against a junkballing lefty. Crafty weasel Andy Pettite was excellent, throwing strikes and getting the Jays off-balance. The numbers against finesse pitchers speak for themselves, as do the left/right splits. This past off-season's Quest for Balance came up a little short.

Wednesdays with JP: The Vagina Monologues

The team is playing well, but obviously not perfect. Whatever will the angry, the entitled and the troll-like have to complain about? JP's even in the studio! So much more immediate, I predict that much more bitching out. Before the callers, JP mentions Tony Coligniaro, and I am reminded of my favorite Farrelly brothers joke of all time.

Alert caller whom I believe to be this guy: AJ's out yes? Bring in somebody equally awesome.

JP the diplomat: Hmmm, awesome free agents aren't free. Have you seen Ben Sheets? He IS AJ Burnett. Maybe better, maybe more injury prone. Pitchers on the free agent market often end in tears. And tears.

Wayne bleeds maple syrup: I like Canada JP, why do you hate it so?

JP the Xenophobe: Really? This is a question? Name me another player on the team. Stubby doesn't count. It must be that I hate Canada and everything about it. I wish ill upon you and your family, and often wipe my ass with your flag. I've been working in cahoots with Davey Johnson for years now, culminating with this two week Olympic baseball tournament of which you watched MAYBE three innings.

Think about your dead-end job Wayne. Imagine that every single thing you did was scrutinized under a microscope. By tens of thousands of people. With a budget in the hundreds of millions of dollars. Where you are hired to be fired. Do you think you'd give a shit about Baseball Canada? Do you think that if had a chance to help your company or the tiny, insignificant company down the street, the one with the offices above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley, that you'd do it? Of course not. Because you are obviously employed another company, and must do your job to the best of your ability at all times. When you aren't blogging at work that is.

Lizardman: Instant replay?

JP: Can't talk, watching BoSox.

Farmer Jim: Remember how baseball worked 15 years ago? I do! I know we have the best pitching in baseball, but is there any way you could acquire a player who's name I recognize? I like guys that I'm already sure I like.

Lloyd from Southie: Watch the game and fuck off. Greg Maddux is a 1000.

Nervous man: Any chance I could make a redundant point and have you repeat it back to me?

Cocky Man: Yeah sure. Alex Rios is good, and we like him when he's good. He totally wasn't benched the other night. It was his day-off. Just like when you got suspended for smoking weed in high school, but you told your parents they were fumigating the school.

Guy who watched his first game of the year tonight: How come Eckstein and Johnny Mac keep playing all time?(!) They're both terrific defenders(!!) but neither can hit.(!!!) Why not bring up a kid to play second base? Joe Inglett didn't get the start against a tough lefty tonight, so I assume he died or I conjured him amidst an opium daze.

JP, our once and future King: Wilner, shoot me now. Let's do it Mikey, murder/suicide pact. We'll ride golden steeds to Heaven, and you can be my consigliary for all eternity.

Angry Old Man: Grrrr, season over! Olympics important! Grrr!

Man of Diminishing Patience: Yeah, it sucked. But you should SEE how these big leaguers live. Scott Richmond stole sooooo much Gatorade from the clubhouse, he'll never be thirsty again. He took a whole gym bag full of gum, too! Dude is set for life.

Anxious Young Lady: How is Jeremy Accardo, health wise? Does it burn when he pees? What about bumps, does he see any bumps or lesions? Is there any way I could get his number? The one he gave me is just some dry-cleaner in Reseda. Do you think he likes me?

Greg Behrendt: Uhh, he might be back in a few weeks, but I'm just his roommate, ya know? I don't really keep tabs on him, I just know that he pays the rent and somebody collects his mail.

Classic Canadian Inferiority Complex: Why doesn't anyone love us? If they don't talk about us on the TV, does that mean that we really are out of the race?


Oblivious Steve: The Red Sox traded Manny, but not to us. What gives? I like Manny.

JP ♥ Scott Boras: Have you ever given your sworn enemy the keys to your house? Ever let him fuck your wife? I'll look into getting him in the offseason, but I have to stretch out a bit before I deal with Boras. He doesn't usually take off his watch.

Jilted Young Lady: Get Alex Rios the fuck out of town. I don't like getting texts at 4:30am saying "LOL JUICED. M8K OUT?" Make him leave. Please

Lloyd the Misogynist: We'd trade him if the deal was right, but I'd trade my own mother for a ring. But I don't want to hurt his little feelings, so he's a Jay 4ev's. Ed. Note: I should apologize. Both female callers had solid, intelligent questions tonight. I'm a prick.

Winterpegger: This team sucks. Make it better.


Misguided Guy that ignored the previous caller: Moon and stars, chop chop. And a guy named Rod.

Prince of Lies: We like Rod Barajas, we gonna keep him. (You are shit outta luck Rod, he's going to run you out of town on a rail.) JP then made me drop my head in disappointment It's cold and tax-y in Canada. Ball players like it hot and soul food-y. We're fucked.

Bitter scumbag that is quickly cut off: I went to a game and the Jays had the AUDACITY to lose. There wasn't a single triple play, grand slam, perfect game or simulated sex act on the mound. What a ripoff. Gimme my money back.

Incredulous JP: Holy shit, don't listen to him. YOU GET NOTHING.

Burgess Meredith in Grumpy Old Men (calls back to back): Next year could be my last, give me hope to go on. And speed the game up for the love of God. Each pitch brings me closer to death.

Keith Law can eat it: I'm good at drafting. Stay Cold brah.

The last call barely counted, and this is already longer than Burgess Meredith's ballsack, so I'll wrap it up. I will again apologize to DJF as I feel like a shameless thief, and I will apologize to women everywhere for marginalizing them as sports fans.


  1. Lloyd, you have outdone yourself once again. Bravo, man, bravo.

    "JP: Can't talk, watching BoSox."


  2. Suprisingly, it wasn't me who called about AJ. Though I did call Jays Talk last week asking Mike if he thought Burnett was in the running for the Cy Young - he flat-out said no, but now all I hear on Sportsnet Connected is that Burnett IS in the running.

  3. If AJ Burnett gets a single vote, I'll burn my BBWAA card. What's that? Barely employable blogger? I STILL WANT TO VOTE

  4. Can you imagine what the Cy Young voting would look like if it were up to baseball bloggers instead of the Baseball Writers of America? Maybe the day will soon come ...

    Oh, and I listened to Jays talk, and it was an Ian who asked that question about AJ, but he was Richmond Hill or something. Good guess though.


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