Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Chronicles of an Off-Season

The day after the World Series I suddenly realized the season was over. My MLB extra innings packages that filled my day with so many big league options was useless and I became somewhat terrified. Outside the wind howled and it seemed to get dark quite a bit earlier than normal. Hell hath no fury like a MLB uber-fan denied his daily dose of Major League action. I found myself pacing back and forth in my Condo struggling to figure out what to do…there were 108 days until pitchers and catchers report…

Day 1

I am still here, but there is nothing on the MLB schedule as far as games are concerned today. I feel like a stranger in my own house. Unsure of how to proceed I take a stock of my supplies. All I seem to have are two PVR recorded Jay games from August, two unwatched Twins games also on PVR and an old copy of Major League on DVD which I fear may be scratched beyond repair. This won’t do me long, it’s time to panic.

Day 2

Using a spoon, 7 toothpicks and some string I construct a device that will allow me to collect rain water out of my second story window. I then realize that drinking water can be obtained without problem during the MLB off-season. I go to my fridge and get a Cran-Apple Iced tea. It is my first victory in these trying times and I rejoice.

Day 9

With no sign of any MLB games in my future I decide to try and read. I get through the first few pages without a problem, but then can’t help wondering if the Mets will again blow what seemed like an insurmountable lead in the NL East in 2008. They deserved so much better. I burn the book to stay warm.

Day 22

I contemplate jumping out of my second story window as my PVR stops working from an electrical problem in my building and I lose the Jay and Twin games I had. With little to sustain me during these trying times, I try and download MLB video on youtube. However, my wireless network goes down and I’m unable to proceed. If this is considered living, I welcome death.

Day 30

I’m informed of what seems like a potential alternative. I’m told that there is another professional sports franchise in Toronto many people enjoy following. They are called the Toronto Maple Leafs and play in the NHL. I triumphantly return home from work one evening excited to watch this new team in action. The first period gets underway and it’s only 3 minutes before I’m moved to tears by the lack of talent and passion they seem to have. I will never watch hockey again.

Day 53

I turn my TV on and attempt to fill the void by playing baseball on my Playstation. I’m happily pick up the controller and begin my very own season as the Toronto Blue Jays with the World Series in my sights.

Day 55

After 19 games my Blue Jays are 2-17 with little hope of making the playoffs. I don’t have a player hitting over .239 and I accidentally traded Vernon Wells and Roy Halladay to the Red Sox for Eric Hinski and Mike Timlin.

Day 68

This is getting unbearable. I wonder if there are others, struggling as I am with little end to the suffering in sight. I decide to visit Internet blogs to find someone in the same situation as me. On one blog I post, “How is everyone coping with this lact of Major League action?” I quickly see a response of “Who cares you homo.” I retreat to my 2-17 season sadly and allow 7 runs in the first inning in a game against the Devil Rays.

Day 80

I survive now only on baseball statistics related sites. I haven’t been eating much, I shake often but am certain that I can tell you who led the Major league in Home runs in 1986 or who held the all time single season saves record before Bobby Thigpen broke it in 1990.

Day 89

I make an incredibly shocking discovery today. I am not alone! In another room I stumble across a woman who refers to herself as my “girlfriend.” She tells me a harrowing tale, having survived all this time on television programs on a station called MTV and a singing competition where people vote for the winner. I realize there is nothing I can do for her, and slowly leave the room quietly.

Day 92

I decide I can no longer endure this suffering and construct a life-raft from couch cushions and paper plates. I’m fairly certain global warming will soon cause the sea levels to rise and I’ll be able to float away out of my second story window. Man does it feel good to finally have a somewhat sensible plan…

The first pitchers and catchers start reporting in 15 1/2 days...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Send forth the witticisms from on high