The 2009 Mancrush Allstars

Off-day following an interleague sweep? What better time to distract myself from the Jays onfield struggles with my annual team of mancrushes and guilty pleasures. Take a look at last year's team to learn who lost that loving feeling, or if you'd prefer a macroscopic look at my ambiguous sexuality. I use my own arbitrary selection process when choosing the Mancrush Allstars, their ability to "move the needle" is pretty important. As always: were this team ever to take the field it would unequivocally go 162-0. 162 and OH people.

Catcher: Russell Martin. Though he's struggling this year, Russ Martin stays towards the top half of the middle of my heart. The silent, floating J is a nice if slightly bizarre tribute to his mother. Keeps it real in Montreal, regularly steals bases which--much to my delight--flies freely in the face of conventional wisdom. Bonus points for making 8 starts at third base last year.

First Base: Last year Albert Pujols took first base by default. While he's not a traditional mancrush candidate, his overwhelming brilliance destroys Lyle Overbay's vanilla persona, sadly hidden rifle arm, and recent proclivity for rockets to right center field.

Second Base: Aaron Hill. Let there be no doubt. One of only three players to appear in each and every iteration of the Mancrush Allstars, Hill's hot start might not get him on the real All Star team. Here at the Dude Ranch, we've always got love. His defense? Awesome. His line drives? Plentiful. Tater Tots? Endless. Aaron Hill will justify your love over and again.

Shortstop: Hmmm, the toughest choice on the diamond. I can't get behind Scutaro or Johnny Mac, Khalil Green is out with a frontal lobe, JJ Hardy can't hit and The Riot's a ginger. Despite my defensive leanings, I'm going to have to go with Hanley Ramirez. He's insane. Three straight seasons with wOBA's approaching .400? Shut the fuck up. I shudder to think what the Red Sox lineup would look like with him involved. He gets bonus points because of repeated "let's make Hanley a centerfielder" threats. That isn't a transition many people can make: Hanley could.

Third Base: Scott Rolen. The kids call this one a no-brainer. Go here; watch and appreciate. His barehanded grab and laserbeam to first Sunday versus the Marlins was the catalyst for my firing up the mancrush ship. P.S. Could someone tell me who leads ALL OF BASEBALL in line drive percentage? Whether or not you expect it to fall back to his career level, that's a recipe for good times.


Left Field: With Manny on the shelf with debilitating mental anguish, I'm at a loss as to who can fill the left field slot for the Mancrush Allstars. Well shit, I'll just go ahead and insert myself. Anyone to ever visit this site before knows I'm certainly my own biggest fan. And shit, I hit TWO home runs in hipster softball yesterday. TWO! Without a fence. I've got the pins to prove it!

Center Field: Rocco fucking Baldelli. There was ever a question? His comeback from The Itis is the stuff of legend. He's even starting to play well! The diving catch he made against the Yankees last week put me over the moon and Rocco in paroxysms of paralysis.

Right Field: Ichiro. Lest I be thrown off the Internet forever.

Starting Pitcher: Roy Halladay. Shocking, I know. If anything, he's actually improved over the last few years. The consummate pro, the pitcher's pitcher. The tireless philanthropist (with a small p.) The dogged workhorse. The awesomest awesomer to ever awesome. The Blue Jay (when he re-ups and retires a Canadian citizen.)

Closer: Mariano Rivera. Consider this a legacy vote. Just as Mo's worn down the umpire's resolve and ability to discern where the inside black begins and ends, Rivera's unending excellence has dissolved my ability to hate him solely because he's a Yankee. The grim, alien features. The comical association with Metallica. Congratulations Mariano, you've won me over.

Assorted Staff: The anthem will be performed once again by Zooey Deschanel while the Suicide Girls will lead us all through Ok! Blue Jays! The Hold Steady will play Take Me Out to the Ballgame and a team of snipers will scan the building in search of wave-starters. Oh, and the manager:


Heart not head.

Moneyed Misanthrope Meets Machine-like Mentor in Mid-Sized May Match Up

It doesn't get much better than this. Do us right Toronto, do us right.

As Mop Up Duty pointed out, the Jays have a few guys known to kill fastballs. Especially first pitch fastballs. The Jays haven't faired well against power pitchers this year, quite the opposite of the three preceding seasons. If the patient guys can wait out his fastballs and the eager guys can jump all over his fastballs, hopefully it will neuter his Hammer of Doom

A motivated Burnett can be a scary thing, so here's hoping for a tight strike zone early on. Like a college girl with daddy issues, I could go for a good hatefucking tonight.

Roy Halladay

Every five days, he's guaranteed to gift you a reluctant boner for 3 to 4 hours.

Happy Boofday to You

As DJF outlined, today is Roy Halladay's birthday. Thankfully, he is older than us so we can still look up him without feeling like a weirdo. The Twins have gifted Halladay a start against Boof Bonser. We should all be so lucky.

I hope Sportsnet has decided to give him the gift of no longer running his promo bumper. I feel as though it is an insult to the mild-mannered ace. Forcing him to shill for a network that continues to employ Jamie Campbell just isn't fair. Let Litsch do another one, he seemed to be tickled pinker during his 5 second line reading.

The anniversary of the good Doctor's birth dovetails nicely into some thoughts I've been kicking around for a little while. Aside from daydreaming about a Rolen-Halladay lovechild of manliness, my thoughts have turned to Roy Halladay's ultimate legacy. Perhaps it is too early, but I'm afraid he'll never truly be appreciated for the kind of player he is. The greatest culprits of Roy Halladay's due recognition: Fantasy Gurus.

The Blue Jays are far from a small market team. One of the largest population centers in North America, a media contingent made up of 2 local papers, 2 national papers, 3 national sports networks as well as the various and sundry local TV stations/free transit rags all follow the team closely. The Jays don't get much press attention south of the border, but the same could be said of most non-YankSox teams. If you are an average baseball fan in Texas, Washington or Florida, you probably won't know too much about Roy Halladay. And why not? Because his fantasy value is relatively low.

At the start of the season Halladay was the 99th ranked player in Yahoo fantasy leagues. So far this season, he is ranked 88th overall, presumably on the back of his 4 complete games. His strikeout numbers are up slightly over the last few seasons, but still well below traditional power pitchers. While there are certainly some players I will concede are better fantasy options than Halladay, are there really 87? If you were starting a baseball team, can you think of 8 players you'd take ahead of Halladay?

A quick look at Roy Halladay's baseball reference page reveals some shocking truths. He's never lost more than 8 games in a season. He's never had a full season with an ERA under 3. The most shocking are the variety of names that appear on his most similar players list. Mark Buehrle sure, I've made that point before. Roy Oswalt? Yeah, he's a fine player. Chris Carpenter? Uh, okay. I guess numbers don't lie. Matt Morris? I think a small part of me just died. John Smiley??? Gross. Pat Hentgen?? Wow, that makes we wonder.

Baseball Reference goes on to rate Halladay's likelihood of being elected to the Hall of Fame as slim. He's about halfway to a number of Bill James' creation that equates to Hall of Fame credentials. I can see Halladay continuing to be effective even as he ages and loses some zip on his fastball. His injuries have been of a freakish nature but even if he remained healthy for the remainder of his career he would likely fall well short of Big Important Numbers such as 300 or even 250 wins.

It is a shame that these landmarks and milestones are often how a player is measured once his playing days are done. He has his Cy Young, and would likely have another were it not for now-teammate Kevin Mench. He doesn't even have Dave Stieb's constant flirtation with/eventual raw-dogging of a no-hitter. But these aren't the ways I'll remember Roy Halladay. His focus on being efficient and pitching to contact is a pleasure to watch and a credit to his position. Too many gunslinging strikeout artists fall by the wayside early, their preening and bad habits sideline their career before it begins. Halladay's mechanics and attention to efficiency should keep him going for quite a while yet.

All Blue Jays fans will remember Roy Halladay long after he's hung them up, but my original point was about fans and media in other cities. More knowledgeable fans of AL East rivals know and hate Halladay for his ability to handcuff and beat down their teams. Yankee fans probably don't know much about Roy Halladay because they generally know jack shit. They tend to observe a Yankee loss as an act of god, not a product of quality opponents. But do Angels fans acknowledge and respect the unique approach that Halladay took to turn his career around? Would the BBWAA recognize this? Is the world we live in so upside-down that the only man to start his team with Roy Halladay as his pitcher is the one regarded as the worst president in the history of the United States???

The only thing I know for sure is that Roy Halladay is the pitcher who's work I've most enjoyed. His quick working style coupled with his fiery yet reserved demeanor make him a model ballplayer. Despite the humourless approach he brings to his own work, another enjoyable Halladay trait is his ability to yuck it up with the lads and appreciate his teammates performance. It humanizes him and endears him to us more. That and his similarity to the Man With No Name. But maybe that's just me.

Nobody Knows My Sorrow

The inevitable has happened. The writing is on the wall. Rocco Baldelli is going on the DL (indefinitely) and looks to be done. Finished. And the circumstances couldn't be crappier. No freak collision, no wear-and-tear breakdown. No no, those are too run of the mill for poor, unfortunate Rocco. He won't go down with anything normal, it takes a rare and freakish condition involving "metabolic and/or mitochondrial abnormalities."

Seriously? This is sad and depressing. Mitochondrial abnormalites???? Should I be on the lookout for Resident Evil 11: Rocco's Revenge? My brain is clearly going to mush, and sadness is taking over. Watch this space in the coming weeks for tonnes of bad emoetry and numerous Lydia from Beetlejuice quotes. Sigh.

All joking mancrushes aside, this is really too bad. As Rays' manager Joe Maddon says in the article: you're talking about a gifted athlete right here. A 26 year old that has been groomed for one thing his entire life, and now because his body has decided not produce enough ATP, his career may be over.

While Rocco may not have signed a DNR quite yet, those of us that love him know when the time has come to pull the plug. You know how we truly feel Rocco, you're the only one for us. Remember Rocco, you'll never walk alone.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News

Spring training is groin-grabbingly close, and yet still so far away. And as exciting as it is to watch low-level Sportscentre reporters stand around in bad golf shirts & khakis, I'm going to need something else to tide me over. Luckily, that very thing arrives on Thursday. And the more I think about it, the more I realize just how similar they are.


Stoic leaders of men, they care not for the personal accolades or acclaim, they fight for the greater good. Quiet men, wishing they could avoid the spotlight their abilities will always garner, they lead by example. And when these men lead, the rest will follow. Oh how they follow.


The southern-fried conman, seemingly only out for his own best interests. Though he's been known to step up and be counted, he should not be trusted.


The hairfarming jacks-of-all-trades. Guile and toughness that can not be overstated. And Shawn Marcum TOTALLY tortures people with his dreaded beaded necklaces.


The plucky underdog. Though limited in size and strength, he so badly wants to sit with the grown-ups. His shortcomings are many, but you get the sense he'd lay it all on the line for the cause. Also have affiliations with groups of ambiguous sexual orientation in their pasts.

Roy and Jack, their supporting casts in tow, fight for the same thing. They won't settle for anything short of their ultimate goal, which won't come until the end of the season. So in the meantime, they'll have to settle for the affection of a girl with freckles.