Monday, June 2, 2008

Battle of the Mancrush All Stars

Official Beatwriter of the Mancrush AllstarsWith the Jays enjoying a well-deserved day off after an excellent month of May, it is time for my annual All-Mancrush Team. We've reached a point of the season where I can really see what guys are made of, and if they are made of Grade A baseball playing manbeef, than I'll single them out for manlove. Some upheaval in this year's squad, but were they ever to take the field, they would unequivocally go 162-0.

Catcher - Russell Martin. Is there such a thing as a five tool catcher? His power numbers are a little down this year, but he's been getting on base and being awesome at an unprecedented rate. I understand he's Brazilian. That is unusual for a baseball player.

First Base - I'll stand by my assessment that first base is for people that can't really run or throw. I can't really say that I have a mancrush on any first basemen, so it will have to be Pujols by default. I look forward to he and Brad Lidge's turns in Ace Ventura III - Jim Carrey Needs a Job.

Second Base - Aaron Hill. I'm just going to put it out there Aaron Hill: many slumps have been busted over Sneaky Dee's nachos during the wee small hours of the night. Given the way you've been swinging the bat, it couldn't hurt. The walk of shame from the plate to the dugout is more laden with despair and self-hate than home from the dorm of a battered and chapped co-ed.

Shortstop - Hanley Ramirez Johnny fucking Mac. Homerism trumps win shares. The Johnny Mac love is well-established in these parts, no need to embellish. The man, the myth, the manlove.

Third Base - Scott Rolen. I didn't briefly change the name of this flea circus to Rolenrunner on First by accident. The best third basemen I've ever seen. Period. That is all. That is an almost all Blue Jay infield. And why? Fuck everyone else, that's why.

The Manager of the Mancrush Team takes some BP
Left Field - Manny Ramirez. A surprise addition, even to me. I ordinarily hold out for defensive stalwarts, but Manny's won me over with his antic-based attack. I'm a sucker for it. He also happens to be one of the best right-handed hitters of his generation. Wacky, too!

Center Field - Ichiro. The most famous singles hitter not named Gwynn. The best outfielder not named Devon. A super-stylish quote machine. He almost missed out this year, but had I left him off, I wouldn't have slept. My Ichiro sheets only would have caused me more insomnia.

Right Field - Rick Ankiel. The thought of Dustin McGowan suddenly solidifying the Jays lineup as a power hitting corner outfielder (turned centerfielder!) is so preposterous that I can do nothing but laugh. Adding some PCP to that insanity is the fact that Rick Ankiel was a better pitching prospect. I am ready to heap praise upon The Natural in way that would make Will Leitch blush.

Starting Pitcher - Roy Halladay. There was never any doubt. The fact that he'd hate being on a mancrush team and would likely beat my ass is certainly the reason he's on in the first place.

Relief Pitcher - Brandon League. I decided to be a contrarian scumbag and not pick a closer. BJ Ryan makes me slightly uneasy anyway. Brandon League gets by on potential alone, and being goofy enough to be endearing. I've fallen under the same spell as numerous scouts before, and will bet heavily that he "figures it out."

Disabled List - Rocco Baldelli. Manny better not get to comfortable, because once Rocco rises again, Manny well be stuck in his mansion with his millions of dollars, his 500 home runs and his deeply discounted grills. Rocco will ride again, and my boner will soar like eagle.

That is it. Don't worry Frenchy, I'm sure you'll bounce back. Stop being so damn patient at the plate. I'll also add that I would invite Zooey Deschanel to sing the anthems, and do other stuff that re-asserts my straightness. 162-0 people, 162-0.


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