Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Jays Blame Low Octane Offense on High Gas Prices

The Toronto Blue Jays are not immune to the crunch of high fuel prices. Much like working people from all over North America, the Jays have been forced to adjust their lifestyle by switching to a lower-octane, fuel conscious offense. After hitting two home runs the night before (totaling a whopping 3 runs), the Jays could only muster one run on five hits against M's ace Felix Hernandez. Numerous officials have stated that if the price of gas & oil continues to rise, the impact on the Jays offense could cripple their chances this year.

When asked if he worried about the Jays offense, having scored just 5 runs in three runs against one of the worst staffs in the league, manager John Gibbons optimistically stated "I don't think it's going much lower, and it could go higher." Gibbons was quickly reminded that his club's next opponent had one of the best pitching staffs in either league and were owners of the best record in baseball, Gibbons appeared shocked. “That’s interesting, I hadn’t heard that” was the wily Texan's only response.

The Jays brass have preached efficiency in their attack, displayed today with the ever-popular RBI groundout. The team acknowledged that the RBI groundout worked in this instance, the runner reached third base by error alone. "We must reduce our dependency on foreign influence to score runs" GM JP Riccardi decreed. The GM refused to take responsibility for the team's poor output, claiming that management's ability to affect the offense is minimal at best. Reporters suggested giving young hybrid Adam Lind another shot with the big club, which was quickly shot down by the GM. "We think that is a foolish and unnecessary policy being proposed by our opposition." The general manager quickly called the press conference to a close, piled his family into his oversized luxury SUV and sped to the airport. Riccardi was scheduled to make the 2 hour flight to his Massachusetts home for the third time in the past two weeks.

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