Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Starlight Foundation and New York Yankees Allow "Special Kid" To Make Start For Team

The New York Yankees made a powerful, community-based gesture last night by allowing a developmentally delayed youngster to fulfill his dream of starting a game at Yankee Stadium. The ordinarily gruff Stadium crowd greeted the brave youngster with cheers and well-wishes right from the first pitch of his start, which was predictably rough. Yankee manager Joe Girardi halted the charade after 62 pitches, prompting the tragically spastic youngster to throw his glove in the dugout and feces in the clubhouse.

Girardi noted that when the handlers brought the young man into the clubhouse, he didn't seem "quite as sharp" as a regular person. Girardi added that he found his ability to communicate with people in a nearly normal way to be "top notch". When asked if he thought Joba may one day drive a car or perhaps work at a grocery store, the Yankee skipper was upbeat and guessed that "eventually he will."

The Blue Jays were just as positive in their assessment of this special boy's gifts, though Roy Halladay said he couldn't help but be distracted by the strange behavior of his counterpart for the night. "You notice" when asked about heartbreaking shortcomings that may inhibit Joba from truly enjoying a full and satisfying life.

Noted humanitarian and philanthropist Hank Steinbrenner watched the game from his harem in Tampa and said this was just the beginning. Yankee brass said they are considering Chamberlain for either promotional opportunities or distributing chewing gum to the players before games.

The extent of li'l Joba's physical and mental deficiencies are said to be overpowering, but that didn't stop the goofy bastard from going out there and giving it his all. Those close to him know that his inability to control his wild outbursts and yelping after performing seemingly mundane tasks wouldn't prevent their hero from attempting a near-impossible task.

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