C'mon Down to the Great At Bat Giveaway!

Get your front foot down and get them while they're hot! We've got league-leading impatience available for you at rock bottom prices!

• Out of zone swings? WE GOT'EM
  
• League Worst On Base Percentage? WE'RE NEARLY THERE!
  
• Contact Rate on Pitches in the Hitting Zone? BOTTOM FIVE AND AIMING FOR THE CELLAR!
  
• Walk per Strike Out Rate? SO LOW, YOU'D THINK WE'VE SUFFERED BRAIN DAMAGE!!
  
• Fly Balls? LEAGUE MOST! More balls sent skyward than the Pride Parade!
  
• Infield Fly Balls aka Automatic Outs? CAN'T BEAT US IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE!

The era of patience and avoiding outs is over. This is the dawn of a new epoch, one of grips, rips, and sitting on the fastball come hell or high water. The time has come to to make Jon Lester & Clay Buchholz¹ look like Sandy Koufax and Don Drysdale.

It's fine, we've got some big sticks on this club. We're so good, in fact, we aren't interested in getting into hitter's counts, the 2010 Toronto Blue Jays are all about trying to hit the pitcher's pitch. We'll flail at a thousand sliders low and away before we take one fastball off the plate. Aggression isn't just out motto, it's our way of life!

¹ To be fair, both these guys pitched brilliantly. Credit to them; though pitching against the Jays isn't exactly grounds for hazard pay these days.

Image courtesy of Flickr user Nep, depression courtesy of Fangraphs.

Ironic Detachment has the Day Off

Unfortunately, my anger is subsiding quickly. I don't even think I was angry, I was actually anxious. There was a weird feeling in my chest, like reading the last twenty pages of The Road. But those feelings are fading and I'll likely have some postive and cogent thoughts on all this noise tomorrow. Or Wednesday, whenever the details finally surface.

But now I'm a little annoyed. Consider this a preemptive hatefisk. The matter of touristy baseball analysts got my Irish up in the summer, the Roy Halladay trade is only going to make it worse. I'm not talking about the badly outdated business model Bob McCown espouses; believing there's a straight line to draw between money and success. This is about an innocent tweet from The Fan's Eric Smith.

Look, I respect the way Eric Smith competently regurgitates the Raptors information and analysis. It's a thankless job on the road and he's a fine fit. On his radio show The Gameplan, he's really good at getting to the :20 minute sports updates. As many times as I've heard him calling for baseball to expand the playoffs, I should know better than to consider what he thinks about baseball.

My anger isn't with Smith; he's just going to end up as my proxy. When Smith tweets he's underwhelmed by the reported packages coming back for Halladay, why exactly am I supposed to care? Is Eric Smith familiar with the Phillies and Mariners farm systems? The players involved? Is he underwhelmed because he had never heard of a single one prospects before today? Why would he? It isn't really his job to know that stuff, just like it isn't really his job to comment.

Basketball and baseball are very, very different. I hope Smith wasn't, like Score buddy James Borbath of Dino Blogger, comparing getting a truckload of baseball prospects with players in the NBA D-League. Holy fuck, those two things couldn't be any more different. You know this, I know this, hopefully media members would realize this if they spent a few seconds thinking about it.

There is no way the Jays are getting Roy Halladay II back in this trade. But they have a good chance of picking up some future rotation pieces, a starting outfielder this year or next, and maybe a starting shortstop in 2011. That is the way this works. The Jays were one of the league's oldest teams last year, depending on the haul they could be quite young by Opening Day. That's a good thing. (unless Brandon League goes to sweeten the pot. Expect a ritualistic suicide live on webcam in that case.)

All Star Break Offers No Break from Incessant Hand-Wringing

Holy shit. Enough. Three more days of hystarical overreactions, of baseless speculation, or woe-is-me-ing? I think I'll pass. Should we be taking this opportunity to realize how lucky we are to have Roy Halladay now and the past 10 years? Shouldn't we celebrate his becoming just the third Jay to start the All Star game, meaningless as it may be? I can't take any more of this horseshit, from either side.

The first letter from Griff's "emergency Halladay bonusbag - now with more D-bags" was all I needed to see before quickly closing the tab.

Could you tell J.P. Ricciardi for me that if he trades Roy Halladay, I will never attend another Blue Jays game? And no, I don't care if the package he gets includes Tim Lincecum, Ryan Braun, and Hanley Ramirez put together.

Now nobody likes Roy Halladay more than I do, nobody else puts for the same crazed "ironic detachment" front like I do, but even I wouldn't suggest that trading Roy Halladay would be the end of my Blue Jays fandom. What did this clown from Oshawa do before Halladay arrived? Apparently nothing, as Roy Halladay is the beginning and end of his attachment to the team. It is this type of hyperbole and idiocy that keeps JP's job from being possible. In this fan's eyes, trading the franchise cornerstone is akin to committing commercial and public relations suicide. It just isn't so.

The news of Scott Rolen being quietly shopped cuts me to the core, but that doesn't mean I'll be off the Jays forever. The lack of internal replacements will hurt the team on the field, and the lack of greatness before my eyes will be impossible to replace, but don't fit me for a Red Sox hat quite yet. This is part of the deal. If you're a sportsfan, you take the ups with the downs. The sense of entitlement is sickening. Get a life.

It Gets Worse

Update: here's the link to the show. Farraway goes off 3/4 of the way through.

Speaking of entitlement and idiocy, I was unfortunate enough to hear the WORST quasi-populist appeal to the lowest common denominator of my young life on the Fan this afternoon. Sports Director Doug Farraway went off on a thoughtless tirade clearly and cynically aimed at firing up the kind of people angered by other men's successes.

With Gary Bettman's salary figures going public, the Director saw fit to tee off on Bud Selig and his exorbinant salary. His ridiculous platform included some relativistic gems like "ZOMG! The President of the USA only makes $400 000 yet Bud makes $18 mil!! " and quoting at length from Selig's wikipedia page. Really? I won't even address the obvious differences in the public and private sectors or the editorial morass of Wikipedia, but Farraway really got going when he stated baseball is "suffering" from the steroid scandals and cancelled World Series. Yup, the owners currently watching their franchise values approach 10 digits are clearly suffering and should be quick to oust Selig. Yeah, the owners must hate the wildcard for the extra TV and gate revenues it generates. The players are struggling too. Not to mention MLB as a business entity itself, with its incredibly valuable advanced media arm and wildly successful new television station.

The entire exercise was such a waste of time and energy. It was so blatant and insincere, I had a hard time listening. His elimination of American and National league offices and presidents as well as separate umpiring entities really did the game a disservice, eh Dougie? I know I long for the days of petty provinciality and warring factions among the game's guardians. The blind eye he turned to steroids? I remember so fondly when you broke the story to tear the cover off baseball's hidden shame. I'm sure were you sports director in 1998 you'd have sent a TEAM of reporters chasing the mere sniff of a one-on-one interview with Mark McGwire's bat boy, gardener, shoe polisher or jockstrap washer. High farce as the steroid policy may be, he DID toughen it from "none" to "some."

This is how inane this rant was: I'm forced to defend Bud Selig! He may not do much right in the fan's eyes, but he certainly made a lot of people rich. Rich people LOVE being rich, and will often give you some of their riches in hopes you will continue to make them rich. Which is why Bud makes a lot of money and will continue to do so. If you're going to attack him head of radio station guy, maybe ask him for some cash so you can rent a leg to stand on.

Memo From the Toronto Blue Jays Marketing Department

The Jays marketing department announced a new slogan for this season:

YOUR 2009 TORONTO BLUE JAYS: IT IS WHAT IT IS

I hate to get all gloom and doom after a series of extra inning losses on the road, but the tenor around the team is so different, so markedly different and depressive that even I can't keep my chin up. I won't discuss the possibility of Halladay being traded here because I don't know that I can. Things look rough. Rough enough for the National Post to run letters-to-the-sports editor in which clueless fans refer to the Jays as a "glorified farm team." What the fuck?

I'm a little worried and a lot disappointed over how much coverage the last week of hearsay has received compared to the action on the field. Even at the beginning of year when things were both hunky and dory there wasn't the crush of media attention. It sucks. But, as the marketing slogan says, it is what it is. The Jays will likely continue to be a pretty good team in a pretty tough situation. I'm not afraid of a lifetime of also-ran status, I'm afraid someone might just pull the plug.

Confrères and Cohorts

One thing I can certainly count on is Scott Rolen. Scott Rolen has a quote in a recent New York Times baseball blog Bats post that warms nearly every cockle of my heart. The post covers new video technology (Hit F/x) that tracks all movement on the field, including fielders, baserunners, and balls in play. Exciting stuff for a stats nerd, no?

When asked what he thought about the possibility of new metrics, Rolen stopped short of issuing the dreaded dismissive hand wank gesture. Scott Rolen is no hard-headed traditionalist lashing out from fear. Rolen instead crafted a thoughtful response (emphasis mine):

I don’t believe that baseball is a game that can be encapsulated that way. That’s the beauty of the whole game.

Impressive. Scott Rolen is more concerned with the aesthetics of baseball to worry about tedious number crunching. If I wasn't such a nerd, Rolen's eye for style would probably bring me to tears.

Everybody's Hurt

Halladay to the DL with a groin injury. Scott Downs to the DL with an inexcusable injury. Inexcusable in that HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO RUN TO FIRST BASE. I know I come off like a ranting Toronto Star commenter, but let's be serious. I have no sympathy. None. Casey Janssen's got something wrong with his surgically repaired shoulder aside from it's inability to throw a baseball past a Major League hitter. All this happens on (IRONY ALERT) the same day Jays trainer George Poullis is named to the All-star team.

Bring on the kids

With Brad Mills on the way to replace Janssen, should we expect to see Brett Cecil take Halladay's turn? Fabio Castro? A shitballer to be named later? Things just got mighty real. Extra real when you consider 8 days rest Frasor, one-trick pony all out of tricks Jesse Carlson and leverage-adverse Brandon League are now holding down the back of the bullpen.

Luckily it Won't Matter Tonight

I've come a long way on Scott Richmond. I love his slider, I love his ability to get right handed hitters out. But he is going to get DESTROYED tonight by the Phils left handed sticks. Chutley, Ryan Howard, Raul, Victorino, even the Ghost of J-Roll is going to feast on maple-glazed Canuck tonight.

Guess Who's Back with the S1W's

While Stoeten of DJF points to Richard Griffin getting it right on Alex Rios and Nick Leyva coming together and dry humping the Jays chances to win until it was bruised and tender, I'd like to give Professor Griff credit for something. EFFUSIVE SCOTT ROLEN PRAISE!!

Scott Rolen is the best defensive third baseman the Jays have ever had and may be one of the best ever in the majors. Brooks Robinson leads the way. Rolen prepares and is as focused as anyone on the team.

Church Dick, church.

Fingerpointing Blamegame

I come here not to bury Brandon League, but to praise him. Do you find yourself wondering why Brandon League was still on the mound to start the ninth? You shouldn't, he's awesome and had been that way for the past 30 days (how does an 2.00 ERA and a 2.60 FIP grab ya?) Obviously League's ninth wasn't fun to watch, and while he took the loss and bore the brunt of the WPA load, it was hardly his fault.

Leadoff batter Howie Kendrick laid down a perfect bunt for a base hit. Hardly League's fault, though the pitch was right down the middle. My thoughts on the bunt: IF GODDAMN JOSE BAUTISTA DOESN'T BUTCHER AN EASY BOUNCER AT THE END OF THE EIGHTH, KENDRICK DOESN'T LEAD OFF. What does this prove? Nothing. It's convenient and suits my anti-Jose, pro-League agenda. But still, leading off with slumping greasy catcher Mike Napoli? Ifs, buts, candy, so forth. PS Jose is hitting .212 over the last month, with 4 extra base hits and 21 strikeouts. PPS. Fuck him.

Next up was Chone Figgans, a bigger thorn in Blue Jay sides than the idiom "thorn in my side" is a thorn in my side. Anyway, Figgans golfed a 94 mile an hour fastball into right field. The pitch was down and in, where lefties love it, but it was out of the strike zone to an extent that I don't expect most hitters to do much with it. Of course the double play follows with Kendricks' late break for home. League eventually strikes out zombie Vlady but the damage is done.

The team scored a bunch of runs but not when they really needed one. Jose Bautista naturally ended the game with a strike out. The Mockingbird covers Rios's struggles in all their grandeur, no mention of Aaron Hill's very quite 0-20 jag. Good thing the Jays only have to face Zack Grienke tonight. Luckily for me, I'll be live blogging it over at the Score. Drop by and we'll heal together.

Real Quick Otherness

• Justin Morneau - Barely Literate.
  
• Paul Konerko listens to rural metal and shouts out Rocco.
  
• Jake Peavy - still a bitch.

Small Town Hack has Jays Running Scared

Being a sports reporter in Collingwood, Ontario can't be too much fun. The occasional feature on the local minor junior F hockey team, its roster full of kids with brain cell counts in the low single digits due to the regional practice of getting high in the liftie hut from ages 13 to 35 inclusive, or a good ball washing of the one NHL player/Olympic skeletoner/former alcoholic ski coach at Blue Mountain that wanders into town twice a year. Sounds like a joyless existence. Such a sad state of affairs is the kind of thing that would drive you to flagrantly ripping off Snarlin Jeff Blair's article on the state of Toronto sports.

"Staff writer" Chris Fell takes the teams of the Big Smoke to task, labeling them wretched, horrible, awful, and terrible. He predictably tears into the Leafs and Argos, as if cheering for those teams isn't punishment enough. He accuses the Raptors of underachieving. Sure, fair, whatever. That isn't a good basketball team, not even BC himself believes otherwise. But Fell's description of the Toronto Blue Jays that got my attention: embarrassment. He calls the Jays an embarrassment! What could his reasoning be? How could a downright respectable baseball team, one that faces tremendous odds each and every year, done to embarrass itself? By award-winning staff writer Chris Fell's criteria, they've committed the crime of not spending enough money. They've sat around and watched their divisional rivals throw money around and done nothing, despite being owned by a big rich company. FOR SHAME ROGERS. You've been pwn3d by the ghost of John Updike.

Embarrassment? Regrettable maybe, but embarrassing? I'm not sure what is more embarrassing: winning more games than you lose in baseball's best division, obviously stealing a column from a national columnist, or MISSPELLING THE NAME OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, ALSO KNOWN AS THE MOST FAMOUS MAN IN THE WORLD. Fucking clown. Back to the Simcoe County junior girls volleyball beat for you, jackass. I'm sure Jennifer Gomes from Bradford won't be upset if you get her name wrong.

UBER-IMPORTANT UPDATE

BARACK (sic) OBAMA IS A WEST HAM FAN. HE CLOSED GITMO, LOVES THE EARTH AND SUPPORTS THE IRONS. HE'S DREAMY. I'm moving.

As Trade Deadline Passes, Jays Lament Inability to Move 2008 Season

Despite numerous deals being rumored and many others going through, Jays GM JP Riccardi was unable to find a buyer for the Jays 2008 season. The Jays are on pace to be a .500 ball club, but JP was still unable to find a team that would trade seasons, even among teams with much worse records. Pirates GM Neal Huntington said he while would appreciate the increase in wins, falling short of the most conservative of expectations each year just isn't worth it. Said Huntington: "I've got a good thing going here. We're in a constant rebuilding phase, so I'm never really expected to win. The Jays? They pay lip service each year, but do they really think they'll compete again?" Riccardi said he would have appreciated infusing 80 runs of offense to improve the outlook on the season: "I thought if we could install a team with a strong offense, then point to our strong pitching in the first half, I could convince people that we actually had a well-rounded ball club."

Padres GM Kevin Towers stated that while swapping his team's run differential of -110 for the Jays +32 would be nice, he couldn't reconcile it with ownership. "We don't want to bring that sense of hopelessness to our front office, it would further alienate our fans." Even controversial Astros GM Ed Wade wouldn't go near the 2008 Jays. "Look, I've got no scruples whatsoever. I'll bring in a Mitchell Report star that lies about his age, I'll sign Roger Clemens when he's 60. But acquiring this year's Jays? No thanks. You can keep your handful of wins, I like my sanity just fine."

When alerted that his GM was unable to unload this season moments after divisional foe Boston acquired Canadian Jason Bay, Jays CEO Paul Godfrey was overheard mumbling something about "motherfucking Beantown scumbag" and "bigger fish to fry..N-F-L motherfucker" before storming out of his office with a bottle of Scotch.

Jays Blame Low Octane Offense on High Gas Prices

The Toronto Blue Jays are not immune to the crunch of high fuel prices. Much like working people from all over North America, the Jays have been forced to adjust their lifestyle by switching to a lower-octane, fuel conscious offense. After hitting two home runs the night before (totaling a whopping 3 runs), the Jays could only muster one run on five hits against M's ace Felix Hernandez. Numerous officials have stated that if the price of gas & oil continues to rise, the impact on the Jays offense could cripple their chances this year.

When asked if he worried about the Jays offense, having scored just 5 runs in three runs against one of the worst staffs in the league, manager John Gibbons optimistically stated "I don't think it's going much lower, and it could go higher." Gibbons was quickly reminded that his club's next opponent had one of the best pitching staffs in either league and were owners of the best record in baseball, Gibbons appeared shocked. “That’s interesting, I hadn’t heard that” was the wily Texan's only response.

The Jays brass have preached efficiency in their attack, displayed today with the ever-popular RBI groundout. The team acknowledged that the RBI groundout worked in this instance, the runner reached third base by error alone. "We must reduce our dependency on foreign influence to score runs" GM JP Riccardi decreed. The GM refused to take responsibility for the team's poor output, claiming that management's ability to affect the offense is minimal at best. Reporters suggested giving young hybrid Adam Lind another shot with the big club, which was quickly shot down by the GM. "We think that is a foolish and unnecessary policy being proposed by our opposition." The general manager quickly called the press conference to a close, piled his family into his oversized luxury SUV and sped to the airport. Riccardi was scheduled to make the 2 hour flight to his Massachusetts home for the third time in the past two weeks.