Adam Lind, Genius

Jon Paul Morosi of Fox sports drops the puff piece of all times today, polling Major League players on who they believe to be the best player in baseball. Many sane ballplayers, Ricky Romero and Jose Bautista included, selected Albert Pujols as the best in the game.

Adam Lind and Corey Patterson don't play by your rules. They care not for Wins Above Replacement or other convenient boxes to cram your "five tool" studs off some South Florida assembly line. They see the big picture and focus on what is good and pure in the world. Namely, awesomeness.

Jays outfielder Corey Patterson named Ichiro Suzuki and Josh Hamilton. Adam Lind mentioned the same two players.

Josh Hamilton? Surefinewhatever. But selecting Ichiro! presents Lind and Patterson as Renaissance Men; able to appreciate the finer things in life. Kudos to them. I doff a Labatt 50 in their direction, but mostly towards Lind. Marrying a local girl wins you bonus points.

Getty Images photo courtesy of Daylife.

Grant this One Wish, Agios Vassilis

Note: In honour of Bleacher Report receiving six trillion dollars in venture capital, I think I'll write something completely batshit crazy optimistic. Unless, of course, there is a chance it actually happens.

Patience isn't always a virtue. Though I'm willing to sign off on another apparently lost season, a lot of Jays fans do not afford Alex Anthopoulos very much rope. They want results, they want to make a splash, and they want Rogers to deliver on their promise to spend cash when the need arises.

It is no secret the free agent route is a death march to nowhere. Alex Anthopoulos knows this and is very active in the trade market as a result. AA is keen to remain nimble and young, cycling through functional players with an eye on developing the next star.

So trading is preferable to signing free agents, and 2012 looks like as good a year to take a shot. As currently constructed, the Jays lineup needs a little variety, it needs an infusion of speed and craftiness. We all know the Jays need nothing short of divine intervention to reach the playoffs.

My solution: kill two birds with one stone. The Jays need to trade for Ichiro.

Ichiro has two years left on his Vernon Wells-sized contract. At the end of 2012, Ichiro becomes both a) a free agent b) a 38 year old. On the other hand, Ichiro is, well, amazing.

In a recent interview (h/t USS Mariner) he expressed some sadness over the state of Mariners, having lost 100 games in two of the last three seasons.

The whole team had high hopes for the 2010 season because we thought we made good additions to the roster (such as left-hander Cliff Lee and second baseman Figgins). And we ended up like this. From now on, maybe we shouldn't even voice our goals.

You hear that? Can't win, don't try. He's done with Seattle, done I say!

The Mariners pitching staff is Felix and pray for rain. The Jays are lousy with good pitching, especially good left handed pitching that plays so well at Safeco. That stinks like a match to me.

Of course the prize would be sky-high, but such is the cost of competing. Shoring up the shoddy outfield defense, adding a true lead-off hitter who also may or may not be a space alien.

As to the positional conundrum of (re)making questionable defender Jose Bautista the every-day third basemen, who cares! Ichiro! Playoffs!!!11! Happy Holidays!!11!

Image courtesy of CTV.ca

Great Moments in Awesomeness

Holy shit, yesterday was a ridiculous day to be awesome (unless your name is Felix, but I'm sure he's used to that by now.)

Big congratulations to Ichiro for ongoing greatness, Rocco for persevering awesomeness, and Jose Bautista for unlikely awesomeness. You made a believer out of the most cynical of critics.

50 home runs is an awesome feat. 50 home runs and (assuredly) 100 walks is great, great feat. 50 home runs with 100 walks when only 2 of them are intentional? Very, very interesting.

Daylife like a thief in the night.

Baseball 101

Play Excellent Defense


Hit for Power


Throw Strikes


RECOGNIZE NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS WHEN ICHIRO DECIDES YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE. DO NOT AWAKEN THE GHOSTS IN THE MACHINE

All photos stolen from the good people at Daylife

Ichiro: Cooler and Nerdier all at the Same Time

Ichiro, also known as the King of All Media, recently referenced Dragon Quest when answering a question about the relative pump-upedness of his Japanese team during the WBC.

After the game, when a reporter said that the entire Japanese team got pumped up, right fielder Ichiro Suzuki replied, "In Dragon Quest, tension increases, and you get stronger, right? It was like that."

Of fucking course it was like that. Dragon Quest, for those of you that don't know (myself included) is a video game about dragons and shit. Here on Earth it was called Dragon Warrior, a game I played the shit out of when I was 15. There are apparently 70 different versions, each one exceedingly more Japanese than the last. Meaning it is more incomprehensible to white people than the lack of whiskey in vending machines must be to the Japanese.

Can you imagine Roy Halladay making a similar analogy? "Last night's game was a real let down, just like the final third of Grand Theft Auto 4. The further you progress in the game, the more Niko loses his humanity. Which is a shame, as it is the grounding point that gives the game it's depth while pushing the narrative." Not likely. Just so we're clear: Dragon Quest references > half-baked athlete cliches.

Hat Tip to Kotaku and flickr user Enchanted Collection

Born to Ghostrun: Your Fantasy Baseball Post

Despite what my own eyes tell me, it is in fact spring. All the scribes are in Florida, alerting us that false Spring is in full swing. It's great, they let fill us in on pitching schedules, batter tip-offs and overweight pranksters. I can see the beautiful cherry blossoms falling from the sky; though they look suspiciously like snowflakes and pile up on the sidewalk like so much frozen joy. Luckily, the other real sign of spring will appear in the coming weeks. It will rear it's pimply head and awaken the dormant animal inside us all: fantasy baseball!

My dabblings in the SABRworld and determination to make sense of the senseless may lead you to assume I'm some sort of fantasy stalwart. You'd be wrong. Sure, I'll dominate a Yahoo public league or two, but when push comes to shove, when the nerdy rubber hits the road, I'm fucked. That doesn't mean you should ignore my sage advice. If it will make you feel better, I'll add expert, guru, or Grand Rotodragon to my Blogger title for some instant fantasy credibility. You can trust me, I finished second last in the Jays blogger pool last year!

Instead I'll offer fantasy advice for the advanced fan. Fantasy advice that will allow you to sleep at night, field a competitive team, keep your fandom liberated, and let you have a good time doing it. Don't worry about tipping your hand to the other feudal lords in your league, you weren't going to win anyway.

1. Understand the point of the game: Obviously the purpose of fantasy sports is insulting your friends and work associates. If you don't talk trash constantly during the draft, what are you doing? Consulting charts and graphs? For what? If you need to win a fantasy baseball league for bragging rights over your friends, you obviously need to find a group of functional alcoholics and befriend them. If you're the type of degenerate that gambles hard-earned money on fantasy baseball, you should just give it straight to me instead. You've got a lot riding on the ligaments and tendons of Caribbean millionaires, I'm a much better cause.
   
   
2. Beware the homer pick: Everyone knows the danger for picking a player from your favorite team: you're already invested so heavily, why make it worse? There is no need to die two deaths when the Jays lose, why put yourself through that? Additionally, you'll cheer for the Jays forever while dudes on your fantasy teams come and go. Remember that when you're hoping the Jays "only beat Joba 1-0, with a home run from Vernon Wells."
   
   Note: Roy Halladay is obviously exempt from this rule. He wins every start anyway and is way above the law.
   
   
3. When sleeping with the enemy, doublebag that shit: It is inevitable, as a Jays fan, that you will end up with Red Sox or Yankees on your team. They score many runs, it's in your nature as a baseball dork. Never forget you'll have to reconcile your hatred for them as The Opposition with your desire to send boastful emails to your close friends.
   
   The key is to take stock of your immediate reaction when the player's name first enters your head; if you want to throw up, pass and deal with the jeering. When drafting closers, remember that Mariano Rivera is a necessary evil. A divine force harnessed and enslaved by Satan himself, committing crimes against nature only out of duty. Jonathon Papelbon is an irredeemable douchebag that I'd rather felate than cheer.
   
   
4. It's never too early to draft Ichiro: During a GROF-based draft a few years ago, El Leal sent the following message to the Reverend as our live draft progressed:

   IF LLOYD DOESN'T PICK ICHIRO HERE, I'LL EAT MY HAT.

   And draft him I did. With that very pick, without any hesitation. Because cheering for players you actually like will bring you much more pleasure than hoping Michael Cuddyer can bust out of his 6 game homer slump. A obvious as this rule may seem, it comes with an important corollary.
   
   
5. If you love someone, let them go: Loading your team with mancrushes and feel-good stories may sound good, but there is a terrible downside; the off-year. Once you develop the personal bond between overweight fantasy baseball owner and flashing name on computer monitor, you can never go back. You will turn a blind eye to your charge's shortcomings, only to have him submarine your entire season, fostering resentment. Worse yet, it may dent the fake relationship you'd built over thousand and thousands of Sportscentre highlights. You're not the man I thought you were Jeff Francoeur, and now my team's in last.

The only other important thing in fantasy baseball is your team name. Kissing Suzy Kolber always do an amazing job of this, so I'll just gently remind everyone that A-Rod jokes are bad form. Hacky, overdone, and obvious. I recommend something of a sexually ambiguous nature. So far, I've got two teams and both reference Roy Halladay in ways he may not be comfortable with. My Walkoff Walk team "Halladay in Canbodia" is pretty clean, though the lyrical content of the source material isn't likely to appeal to Roy's gentle constitution. Oh, and no matter what format or how far down the table you are, for the love of god maintain your team. Nobody likes to see A.J. Burnett in your starting lineup when he's been on the DL for 6 weeks (whoops), but people dislike the "your trade request has been denied as it hasn't be responded to for 10 days" email soo much more. Don't be that guy.

Liberation Frequency

I've been wrestling with my feelings all day. Cito & JP are already talking about next year. The trade rumours swirl. Dustin McGowan and Shaun Marcum are on the DL. The team is still in last place, despite showing signs of life last night. Me? I still think baseball is pretty fucking great.

I mentioned liberated fandom in one of the the first ever Ghostrunner on First posts. I still feel now as I felt then. I'm not going to shout "wait til next year!" now or ever. But following the team every day, faced with a sudden lack of distance from the team and its travails has me thinking differently. Admittedly, the last two weeks in Bluejayland have been difficult to write about. The Jays fortunes and real life distractions collided at speed, resulting in the slowest GROF week yet.

I surely get caught up in the W's and L's, the slumps and the roster movement. My self-appointed role of Elitist Fuck allows me to think that I'm above all that; the riff-raff that spill their frustrations all over Wilner's lap. But I'm no different. I regurgitate the lines of true baseballmen, of the season being long and 70 games a lifetime. Players underperform, balls bounce, umpires squeeze.

One thing that will not happen, no matter how many games the Toronto Blue Jays lose, I will not cease to be entertained. My aping of the Free Darko ethos is all over this site, from the Scott Rolen defense love to worshiping a oft-injured outfielder from a division rival. I will continue to watch Adam Lind evolve and excite, I will watch hoping for a glimpse at John MacDonald donning his cap and turning into Johnny Mac. I will watch Brandon League throw gas without too much thought as to where it's going. I will pontificate about batting orders. I will dick joke at the expense of management. I will sign petitions to get Ichiro into the Home Run Derby. I will steal expensive seats on a Friday night and boo those who start the wave.

I will not, in any way, advocate trading Roy Halladay. No matter what type of haul he would yield. No amount of wins, parades or Meaningful Games in September will replace the joy and pleasure of watching him work every fifth day.

Jays Face Off Against Mariners, Realize How Much Worse it Could Be

All Uncle Ted needs to do is up the payroll by $20 million. He too, could have a light-hitting catcher making $8 million a year, a first baseman sporting an OPS+ of 84 while being paid $14 million a year, and a bench guy named Willie without an extra-base hit all season. Perhaps the Jays could double what they paid Miguel Batista when he was a Jay to see an ERA+ of 60 up close an personal. How about a DH making $8 million with an on base percentage of .269! Not a misprint, simply a travesty.

This team is terrible. I pity the poor folks at USS Mariner, who run an outstanding operation yet are forced to focus on this mess. At least they have Brendan Morrow; he makes Joba look like Jarrod. JJ Putz isn't long for this world by the looks of this kid.

All Mariners contract information via Cot's Contracts, stats from Baseball Reference. Follow the links to have your spirit broken. No wonder everyone chases the dragon in the Northwest. Here, this will lift your spirits before the M's take 2 of 3 from the Jays.

Battle of the Mancrush All Stars

With the Jays enjoying a well-deserved day off after an excellent month of May, it is time for my annual All-Mancrush Team. We've reached a point of the season where I can really see what guys are made of, and if they are made of Grade A baseball playing manbeef, than I'll single them out for manlove. Some upheaval in this year's squad, but were they ever to take the field, they would unequivocally go 162-0.

Catcher - Russell Martin. Is there such a thing as a five tool catcher? His power numbers are a little down this year, but he's been getting on base and being awesome at an unprecedented rate. I understand he's Brazilian. That is unusual for a baseball player.

First Base - I'll stand by my assessment that first base is for people that can't really run or throw. I can't really say that I have a mancrush on any first basemen, so it will have to be Pujols by default. I look forward to he and Brad Lidge's turns in Ace Ventura III - Jim Carrey Needs a Job.

Second Base - Aaron Hill. I'm just going to put it out there Aaron Hill: many slumps have been busted over Sneaky Dee's nachos during the wee small hours of the night. Given the way you've been swinging the bat, it couldn't hurt. The walk of shame from the plate to the dugout is more laden with despair and self-hate than home from the dorm of a battered and chapped co-ed.

Shortstop - Hanley Ramirez Johnny fucking Mac. Homerism trumps win shares. The Johnny Mac love is well-established in these parts, no need to embellish. The man, the myth, the manlove.

Third Base - Scott Rolen. I didn't briefly change the name of this flea circus to Rolenrunner on First by accident. The best third basemen I've ever seen. Period. That is all. That is an almost all Blue Jay infield. And why? Fuck everyone else, that's why.


Left Field - Manny Ramirez. A surprise addition, even to me. I ordinarily hold out for defensive stalwarts, but Manny's won me over with his antic-based attack. I'm a sucker for it. He also happens to be one of the best right-handed hitters of his generation. Wacky, too!

Center Field - Ichiro. The most famous singles hitter not named Gwynn. The best outfielder not named Devon. A super-stylish quote machine. He almost missed out this year, but had I left him off, I wouldn't have slept. My Ichiro sheets only would have caused me more insomnia.

Right Field - Rick Ankiel. The thought of Dustin McGowan suddenly solidifying the Jays lineup as a power hitting corner outfielder (turned centerfielder!) is so preposterous that I can do nothing but laugh. Adding some PCP to that insanity is the fact that Rick Ankiel was a better pitching prospect. I am ready to heap praise upon The Natural in way that would make Will Leitch blush.

Starting Pitcher - Roy Halladay. There was never any doubt. The fact that he'd hate being on a mancrush team and would likely beat my ass is certainly the reason he's on in the first place.

Relief Pitcher - Brandon League. I decided to be a contrarian scumbag and not pick a closer. BJ Ryan makes me slightly uneasy anyway. Brandon League gets by on potential alone, and being goofy enough to be endearing. I've fallen under the same spell as numerous scouts before, and will bet heavily that he "figures it out."

Disabled List - Rocco Baldelli. Manny better not get to comfortable, because once Rocco rises again, Manny well be stuck in his mansion with his millions of dollars, his 500 home runs and his deeply discounted grills. Rocco will ride again, and my boner will soar like eagle.

That is it. Don't worry Frenchy, I'm sure you'll bounce back. Stop being so damn patient at the plate. I'll also add that I would invite Zooey Deschanel to sing the anthems, and do other stuff that re-asserts my straightness. 162-0 people, 162-0.

Postcards from the Edge

A few quick dispatches from the interwebs before the weekend takes us away to that special place.

Neate from Out of Left Field does a yeoman's work over at Deadspin today as he was tasked with the Jays season preview. Usually Deadspin season previews turn into a self-pitying festival of tears, but Neate does us all proud by saying "Fuck you, we're just fine" as well as adding a few good digs at Snakeoil Godfrey.

Vernon Wells realized the true value of his multi-year deal with the Jays yesterday. He doesn't have to face Roy Halladay. Halladay provided Vernon with a fecal moustache that left his knees swaying in the breeze. Wells then took the opportunity to try out some material for his upcoming HBO special.

"He's a fairly decent pitcher," deadpanned Wells. "I think he'll probably have a fairly good year this year. He has a pretty good chance. He has decent stuff and he works fairly hard. He's got a chance in life."

A conservative estimate would put Halladay on or near 30 wins this season. Fuck you Denny McLain.

Ichiro reported to spring training determined to reaffirm his status as the preeminent lyrical gangster on two hemispheres. This week, when asked about the prospect of playing between two corner outfielders with first to third times best clocked by sun dial, Ichiro dropped some science:

If the other corner outfielders have too much speed and too much ability and try to do too much, it's hard for me.

Ichiro is like a Japanese Clooney.

Prince Fielder decided to get 1000% more awesome by going vegetarian. As someone who has been referred to as a "veggie eatin' queer" more times than I can count, I support Prince's decision. I'm also slightly relieved that the Brewers aren't coming to town this year. It is already hard enough to get a veggie dog at the House that My Text Messages BuiltBought.