Thursday, November 27, 2008

A Day in the Life Existence of Roy Halladay

It is widely acknowledged that Roy Halladay is equal parts man, animal, and machine. His ravenous appetite for the flesh of opponents is offset by his laser-like execution of a precise, predetermined strategy and his unfailing humility. Basically, he's all things to all men. We here at Ghostrunner on First have taken advantage of our deep pool of resources to gain access to The Doc's inner sanctum. From inside his fortress of solitude, we offer a look at Roy Halladay's daily agenda.

5:41 AM: Wake before sunrise. Another day; another victory. You'll never best me, Earth's yellow sun.

5:45 AM: Begin first set of daily calisthenics. Strap on aerobic truck tire and attach 14 pounds of raw, bloodied steak to said truck tire. Release hounds. Run. Collect and kennel starving, exhausted dogs.

6:30 AM: Breakfast. Observe 100km rule by consuming 6 organic, free-range eggs with 8 pieces of locally grown brown toast. For protein, two locally raised (but not from a mill) puppies.

7:00 AM: Begin daily staredown in the mirror. Turn grimace to stun.

9:00 AM: Realize the only man strong enough to survive the glare of Roy Halladay is Roy Halladay.

9:15 AM: Climb into flex fuel vehicle with wife, make pleasant small talk en route to children's hospital. Improve outlook for dozens of children. Smile despite facial muscles lack of familiarity with positions.

11:00 AM: Leave children's hospital for silent drive home, allowing anger to build that I can't do more for those that truly deserve it.

11:15 AM: Begin daily pitching workout. Channel unspeakable anger at inability to heal the world's ills into endless barrage of cutters on black. Use RISK map as target, decimate Kamchatka once again.

12:00 PM: Lunch on patio with family. Impress upon children the value of satisfaction in life's work, whatever it may be. Casually scan 2008 draft class scouting report, begin developing pitching plan for each hitter.

12:30 PM: Anaerobic workout. Ride unicycle to local Habitat for Humanity build. Deadlift cracked bathtubs and broken patio stones into garbage bins. Volunteer to do all roofing because everyone fucking hates roofing. Pedal unicycle home with hands.

2:30 PM: Shower in re-purposed rainwater using phosphate-free soaps. Buy carbon credits online just to be safe.

3:00 PM: Watch game film of every loss since 2003. Make charitable donation in name of every fielder who commits an error. Leave another message on Arnsberg's machine. Silently brood.

5:00 PM: Evening workout. Fueled by memories missed locations, do 20 seconds of flexed arm hang for every curveball hung in 2006.

6:00 PM: Quiet dinner with agent, manager, accountant and JP. Demand each man eat in silence to reflect the quiet dignity and professionalism of the host.

7:30 PM: Shoo oily skinned sycophants from my home, retire to quiet evening fishing with family in boat powered by suppressed curse words.

9:30 PM: Sleep soundly on Egyptian cotton sheets and pillows stuffed with hope. Dream of a day when I finally get it right.

Top image courtesy of Bastian, who I think borrowed it anyway

29 comments:

  1. brillant! i enjoyed my day with the Doc! thks!

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  2. "The only man strong enough to survive the glare of Roy Halladay is Roy Halladay"

    That belongs on a t-shirt.

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  3. Fantastic, but nothing beats "a day in the life of Doug Mirabelli".

    http://quinnmedia.blogspot.com/2006/07/day-in-life-of-doug-mirabelli.html

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  4. Fine work Lloyd, fine work. One of my favourites so far.

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  5. "Pedal unicycle home with hands" = hilarious.

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  6. I think my favourite is: Begin first set of daily calisthenics. Strap on aerobic truck tire and attach 14 pounds of raw, bloodied steak to said truck tire. Release hounds. Run. Collect and kennel starving, exhausted dogs.

    Brilliance, Lloyd, brilliant.

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  7. "Casually scan 2008 draft class scouting report..."

    Classic!

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  8. After reading this, I'm seriously considering quitting the blogosphere. This can't be topped.

    Fucking classic.

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. is roy halladay related to chuck norris?

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  11. Roy Halladay is Chuck Norris's father.

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  12. Roy Halladay came back from the future to save Chuck Norris.

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  13. there's nothing like a ghostrunner love-in.

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  14. You know what pisses me off? What really grinds my gears? Is that in his career, Roy Halladay has not received 1 measley fucking vote for MVP. Not a 10th place vote, not once.

    It's total, fucking, bullshit.

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  15. Just brilliant.

    There are mere mortal baseball players -- and then there is Halladay. You have captured the essence of what it's like to be Doc.

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  16. Too bad the jays never picked up Doug Mirabelli, as he and Roy Halladay would have made some battery:

    http://quinnmedia.blogspot.com/2006/07/day-in-life-of-doug-mirabelli.html

    Thanks Mulliniks...

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  17. wow, i guess i dont get it, cause that isnt funny at all

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  18. Only 6 months after it posted! Good work anon.

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  19. Lamenting the fact Doc is no longer a Jay. Figured it was time for a re-read. Best post ever, mate.

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  20. Yeah, this is solid. I still prefer it to the "true story" that Elliott just posted on The Sun.

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  21. Looks like that day finally came Doc. May 29, 2010

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  22. On the 2nd day of Doctober, I came back to read the greatest blog post ever.

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