Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Ghostrunner on First Presents: Holiday Gift Ideas


Ah yes, the holiday season is just around the corner. Christmas, the celebration of capitalism raping your soul, is only 36 days away! That means Channaukah is only, um, a fewer number of days away too. 36 days away means I have to start my shopping in a mere 35.75 days! The pressure! My usual practice of buying candles for any uterus I know while offering cheap, half-drunk bottles of scotch to my fellow scrotums just won't cut it this year. I need to give a gift to remind my loved ones of the only thing I truly give a shit about, which also kept me from spending any time with them for the past six months. I think I'll go right to the horse's mouth, and decide what official Blue Jays merchandise is fit for gift giving this holiest of seasons.












A customized jersey! Perfect for...absolutely no one. Seriously, don't put your own name, or anyone else's name on your jersey. It's terrible. You cannot commit a bigger sin at the ballpark. Even the maddening trend of t-shirt jerseys doesn't come close to the lack of self-awareness that goes with wearing a Jays jersey with your name and random number on the back. The number "1" is even worse. If you tuck it in to your pants/jeans/hospital-issued leotard, you should continue seeking professional help. You probably shouldn't wear a jersey at all. It's not real clothing, and you don't have the build to pull it off.
The ideal gift for the obese person with attention deficit disorder on your shopping list. The cooling comfort of a battery operated fan, the magic of simple optics. Allow them to support their favorite team while they cool their sweaty chin(s) before collapsing from cardiac arrest on the ramp leading to their 500 level seat. Includes a handy cord for hanging between their yellowing, misshapen breasts while they engulf their third order of nachos, spilling molten cheese and ruining the fan forever!
Ohhh, exciting! An officially branded Blue Jays poker chip set! Perfect for your Uncle's friendly Friday night home game. The beer is flowing and everyone is raring to go! Mostly, they're just excited to have 2 hours away from the wife and kids so they can use the word "cocksucker" liberally, drink 5 beers in an hour and fall asleep on the coach by 11:30. JUST DEAL THE FUCKING CARDS, WEIRD NEIGHBOUR WHO'S SON IS IN JUVY. Jesus Christ, we've played 7 hands this hour because Uncle Nancy won't sack up and let anyone smoke in the house. This is agony, three of you idiots are wearing sunglasses yet I have to explain how much "each colour" is worth before every other hand. ARGGGHH! This isn't gin rummy and that's a string bet. None of your clowns can even spell implied pot odds and I STILL lost $80 bucks. Fuck.
Has your recent trip to the public health nurse got your thinking about Victoria Day weekend 2005, when you got chlamydia from the front desk clerk at the Chateau Lake Louise? What better way to relive that moment and determine if she's caught anything worse in the interim than a commemorative pin? Not just any commemorative pin, one that brings you back the first meeting of the Toronto Blue Jays and the Washington Nationals. Just because it's on sale for $0.99, doesn't mean it's cheap. The only thing that was cheapened that weekend was 35 years of glorious Montreal Expos tradition and your own self worth. So go ahead, send her a pin this Christmas. Maybe she'll prick her finger and send it back, meaning you can test her blood once and for all. Your sleepless nights could finally be over. Or just beginning!
A must have for any Jays fan, the official Jays Ceramic Vortex Shotglass. Now you can greet the day just like Jays GM J.P. Riccardi. Consider the (perceived) futility of your favorite team's existence while washing away the pain of your fractured relationship with your father and the guilt of the distant relationship with your son. Round and round it goes, just like room, bed, or vehicle you are illegally piloting. The Ceramic Vortex Shotglass: drink two for every inning-ending double play!

5 comments:

  1. Oh cool, I can get that jersey for my cousin in Hamilton, Fred Customize.

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  2. Great gift ideas Lloyd, this is hilarious. Maybe there can also be a commemorative Blue Jays toilet bowl, so we can flush another crappy season down the shitter!

    Sorry for the pessimism, I've already gotten into the Holiday Egg Nog, and it ain't pretty!

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  3. I can't believe the clearance section isn't bigger.

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  4. Where's the logo blue jays bottle?

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  5. Awesome post. That merch is straight fucked up.

    Love the pic. Bad Santa is one of the greatest movies. Ever.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxWCAJS7Co8

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