Sunday, November 2, 2008

I Didn't Mean it Adam Lind

I'm sorry Adam Lind, baby I didn't mean it. I know you've heard about me coveting Billy Butler, the first of many young things to shake their OPS at me. I'm only human sugar, but you know how I really feel. Adam Lind, you're the only one for me.

Remember our courtship in the spring, how I longed for you? You were our WORLD Adam Lind, we knew you would come along and make it all right. We watched you from afar, knowing our time would come. And you did Adam Lind, you did.

The honeymoon phase was a long and glorious time, my friend. You kept swinging and you looked like the answer. You were the missing bat in the lineup, performing so far above the slags that filled that spot before you arrived. They meant nothing Adam Lind, nothing! It was only physical, they were just a warm body to hold us over until we could finally consummate our true devotion to you.

It isn't hard to figure out what attracted me in the first place. You came up through the system faster than a Merchant Marine on shore leave, turning all the boys' heads and making believers of us all. You stumbled once, kids makes mistakes, but we knew you'd be back. Everyone goes through that phase right after college. They need to experiment, they need to get out there in the world. Somehow those that matter most get left behind, but you always come back, Adam Lind. We know where your heart lies.

After the honeymoon stage, we cooled. The inevitable hangover set in, and we started looking around. It's only natural. Hell, we started noticing your sister at family functions, growing from her chubby teenage years into a nice little package herself. She really filled out! She looked good, but we wouldn't dare trying to pull off the unprecedented-outside-a-trailer-park Sister Swap?

But that isn't what we want Adam. You're the one for us, despite our looking down your sister's shirt across the Thanksgiving table. We'd NEVER attempt to come between sisters, especially two as close as you.

But this whole Billy Butler thing, we must apologize. We were talking with some guys at the bar, you know how those conversations go. We mentioned, casually, that we'd like to see Billy Butler come to town. We may have said something to the effect of not being married to you any more, and referred to you as a dangle piece. We didn't mean it, we SWEAR! We don't want to replace you with a younger, sleeker model. We hear he's on the wrong side of the crazy/hot scale anyway (at least he's white, guaranteeing not one single team will factor his craziness in any way).

Yes, he's younger. When the seasons start changing like this, everybody looks around, considers their options. We're always on the lookout for the next big thing, thinking it might wrestle us out of our winter doldrums. It's no fun being a known commodity, not with so much scattered ass freely available on the Internet and in our minds.

Yes, he looks a lot like your sister. We don't want to squeeze you out Adam Lind, we want Billy to enhance our relationship. You know your faults Adam, and you're no Rocco in the outfield. But this guy is like a Manny! We see a big future for you, for Travis and Billy in this crazy family. Uncle Lyle? There is still room for him too! I think it's too soon for your sister, maybe she should go back to the kid's table in the kitchen. I know I've been feeding her wine coolers all night, so fucking what? She's entitled to a little fun too, dammit. Stop trying to control me. No, I think YOU'VE had too much to drink. Fuck, your mother hates me.

1 comment:

Send forth the witticisms from on high