Being a sports reporter in Collingwood, Ontario can't be too much fun. The occasional feature on the local minor junior F hockey team, its roster full of kids with brain cell counts in the low single digits due to the regional practice of getting high in the liftie hut from ages 13 to 35 inclusive, or a good ball washing of the one NHL player/Olympic skeletoner/former alcoholic ski coach at Blue Mountain that wanders into town twice a year. Sounds like a joyless existence. Such a sad state of affairs is the kind of thing that would drive you to flagrantly ripping off Snarlin Jeff Blair's article on the state of Toronto sports. "Staff writer" Chris Fell takes the teams of the Big Smoke to task, labeling them wretched, horrible, awful, and terrible. He predictably tears into the Leafs and Argos, as if cheering for those teams isn't punishment enough. He accuses the Raptors of underachieving. Sure, fair, whatever. That isn't a good basketball team, not even BC himself believes otherwise. But Fell's description of the Toronto Blue Jays that got my attention: embarrassment. He calls the Jays an embarrassment! What could his reasoning be? How could a downright respectable baseball team, one that faces tremendous odds each and every year, done to embarrass itself? By award-winning staff writer Chris Fell's criteria, they've committed the crime of not spending enough money. They've sat around and watched their divisional rivals throw money around and done nothing, despite being owned by a big rich company. FOR SHAME ROGERS. You've been pwn3d by the ghost of John Updike.
Embarrassment? Regrettable maybe, but embarrassing? I'm not sure what is more embarrassing: winning more games than you lose in baseball's best division, obviously stealing a column from a national columnist, or MISSPELLING THE NAME OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, ALSO KNOWN AS THE MOST FAMOUS MAN IN THE WORLD. Fucking clown. Back to the Simcoe County junior girls volleyball beat for you, jackass. I'm sure Jennifer Gomes from Bradford won't be upset if you get her name wrong.
UBER-IMPORTANT UPDATE
BARACK (sic) OBAMA IS A WEST HAM FAN. HE CLOSED GITMO, LOVES THE EARTH AND SUPPORTS THE IRONS. HE'S DREAMY. I'm moving.
I don't think he's being a "pessimist" rather simply an idiot. A trip to Collingwood is in order.
ReplyDeleteI think that title of "Worst Pro Sports City in North America" is a little loaded. Then again, he was probably loaded when he wrote this - I guess there's not much else to do in Collingwood!
ReplyDeleteIf I looked like Peter Griffin, I'd be a miserable prick, too.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, he IS a human version of Peter Griffin! Poor guy ...
ReplyDelete"Well, they've sat on their hands and have done nothing..."
ReplyDeleteWhat?
Clement, Barrett, Jason Lane, he must have been busy covering pee wee hockey in Barrie because he probably didn't hear about Maroth.
Neal
Wow - you dig deep for the news.I grew up in Simcoe (or Slumcoe, as we liked to refer to it) County but I've never heard of that rag.
ReplyDeleteThe article is amazing in its own right, but how the fuck do you misspell Barack Obama? Oh, the humanity.
ReplyDelete