Monday, February 16, 2009

Just One Gimmick Away

Last year the Tampa Bay Rays rode Joe Maddon's ridiculous 9=8 nonsense all the way to the World Series. I don't care what you say about their bullpen's historic turnaround, the lightening they caught in various bottles, it's all about the slogan, maaannnnn. If your team mantra, business plan, marriage proposal, or death certificate can't be printed on a t shirt, meaning even the thickest jackass will understand, you're wasting precious resources. The time has come to wedge the final piece of the puzzle into place: create a suitable slogan for the 2009 Blue Jays.


A little self explanatory, but the boost in the confidence the Jays will gain after they realize how much worse off the O's are will send them careening into the playoffs. It will be like every Hollywood fish out of water tale: they don't even know they don't belong here!.


Make sure all the minor league contract guys JP brought in realize the minuscule amount of money they'll make in the minor leagues. Bring in a greasy short order cook to prepare all meals for Spring Training, ensuring the players recognize the paucity of culinary options available to a no-account bum leading a transient quad A life.


No matter what happens, it won't be worse than this. Buoyed by a rare display of confidence by the front office, the Jays young sluggers take their first real opportunity to put full seasons together to heart. Glad to see huge holes from last year's lineup disappear, the Jays entire lineup relaxes.


That's right, hit'em with the mad sabrmetrics. Build a strong sense of team and belonging by coming right out and saying: "I am not more valuable than you, friend. There are no replacement players, only replacement feelings." Boom, motivated. The clubbies will spend more time cleaning UBUNTU out of the locker room than dirty socks.

I'll start printing shirts, you start printing playoff tickets.


  1. Harrison Bergeron does not like the slogan VORP=0.

  2. No love for "Overpromised and Underdelivered"?

    Oh wait, that's the Yankees.

    Fuck me.

  3. The "we're fucked" tag is at 3 already(by my count), and we're only in mid-February. If there's not a surer sign that the Jays are fucked, I don't know what is. Well...I guess Mike Maroth making a start past March 20th would be a sure sign too.

  4. I like the first one.

    And the Jays are winning the pennant.

  5. Millar says you gotta believe! And if he makes the team he'll come up with the slogan we will ride to the playoffs (or at least to being spoilers and preventing the Yankees from making the playoffs)!!

  6. Also, Lloyd, are you going to take this?


Send forth the witticisms from on high