Thursday, October 29, 2009

Old Habits Die Hard

The Jays baseball operations brass sit around a sterile office deep inside Fortress Rogers. Tim Hortons cups are strewn across the bland table, a large board full of player names and positions holds a prominent role on the wall.

Tony LeCava: ...and the value of those two draft picks certainly offsets the on-field production of a 34 year old, based on these age-regression numbers. I say we let him walk.

Alex Anthopolous: Fuckin' eh? I don't know if I'm ready to walk away quite yet, the short stop market is a real gong show. Anybody got anything else, let's take our attention elsewheres, eh?

TLC: Hmmmm, I dunno. Not much going on before the series ends, you know?

AA: Shit guy, we must feed the Beest. Let's show him we haven't just been trading offices and parking spots. You got anything for me? Gimmie something and I'll buy you Burrito Boys.

TLC: Uhhh, shit. Uh, the Orioles left this lefty reliever unprotected. Sean Henn is his name.

AA: [shifts uncomfortably in his seat] I dunno, seems like simple roster filler.

TLC: That is precisely what he is. Wholly unremarkable. Pretty much passed over.

AA: [twitches] We....should....move....onnnn....

TLC: Are you okay? All the color is draining from your face.

AA: [sweating profusely] That's colour, jackass. Didn't you get the memo? Anyway........I think we should pass and establish our own itden-

[Alex Anthopolous appears to black out momentarily, his eyes glaze over and roll back in his head]

AA: [Bursts from his chair, vomits, and unleashes a blood-curdling scream] AAAAAIIIIIEEEE, just sign him! Bring him in!!! No Beeston jail can hold me! I NEED MORE LEFT HANDED RELIEVERS!!!!!

[Anthopolous passes out in his chair]

TLC: Fine whatever. I'm going to turf Barrett, you know? Oh like it matters. [Sighs deeply] Why won't Cashman return my calls? Wake up, I want a damn burrito.


  1. Thanks for that. Good stuff.

    Never knew that Burrito Boys had the cache to make or break deals for the rosy-cheeked executive set. I mean they make a decent Burrito, but is it a transcendental Burrito that bends the rules of both space and time? I honestly have my doubts, but then again it's not an experience I expect from a Burrito.


  3. You expect better Ken? So do I. Step up your game.

  4. Yeah, we expect a manifesto on Sean Henn, he of a career 7.56 and 2.012 WHIP. And he's a perfect 28 years of age. Can we say, entering his prime!

  5. Not that I think Sean Henn will amount to anything, but I remember clear as day last offseason when the Jays picked up some random shitty minor leaguer named Randy Ruiz and everybody was bitching about what a useless move it was and how JP was an idiot for wasting his time.

    The point is, I don't see how this could possibly be a bad thing. It's likely just a minor league depth move to pad the back of the bullpen in Vegas and I doubt AA has any plans to ever use this guy in the majors. If he somehow beats the odds and completely outperforms expectations, then hey, cool, we got something for nothing a la Ruiz, but in this case I don't think that's the idea at all.

  6. Low risk, low expectations kind of move. I sure hope this isn't part of The Plan.

  7. I have nothing against the move, it just smelled of JP.

  8. Drew, I can't WAIT for your next post.

  9. Wells for Bradley? And we eat a chunk of Vernon's deal? Sounds like a lose/lose kind of thing.


Send forth the witticisms from on high