Friday, October 23, 2009

Sporting News to Adam Lind: Try Being Older

Not pictured: Lind's bigwheelThe venerable Sporting News announced their American League All Star team amidst little fanfare or shits given. The former staple of North American sports fans' bathrooms and place I used to play fantasy sports quickly announced their irrelevance by naming Hideki Matsui as their all-AL Designated Hitter.

An understandable choice, considering Adam Lind merely bested Matsui in home runs, doubles, RBI, runs scored, plate appearances, intentional walks, average, on base, slugging, OPS, wOBA, batting average with RISP, OBI% (rate of runners on base driven in) runs above average, isolated power, leverage-neutral win probability, wins above replacement, VORP, and meters gaily skipped.

Matsui did best Lind in walks, walk rate, K/BB, hat size, porn collected above replacement, games missed due to injury, AARP contributions, bats stared at intently, goldfish tended, sandals worn, panties purchased from vending machines, and games played in front of Sporting News editors.

To be fair the good people of TSN, they DID elect Aaron Hill to the team for second base, which is awesome. Hill lead American League second sackers in a host of categories yet one could argue Hill is less deserving of inclusion than Adam Lind. So you win some and you lose some. Consider this a major win as it prevented weasel-faced ratman Dustin Pedroia from one more second of undeserved attention.


  1. Matsui also leads Lind in one all-important category that you forgot to mention: Being a Yankee

  2. EPIC fail by Sporting News....though it is difficult to argue against some of those categories you mentioned, Lloydrew.

  3. Come on Drew, PORNAR is the only stat that matters.

  4. I wonder who led the Jays in PORNAR this season? If I was a betting man, I'd wager heavily on Tallet, or maybe Chavez.

  5. We'd have to know what a replacement level porn collection consists of.

  6. Well, replacement level porn is the kind of stuff that is freely available and doesn't sting with shame when you touch it.

    The more rare, the more obscure, the more deviant, that is the source of real porn value. Tentacle porn is a consistent 7 PORNAR threat. You don't learn to appreciate pregnant granny porn overnight, you need to DEVELOP that kind of talent from an early age.

    That sort of borderline criminal behavior needs to be locked up early before some coked up stockbroker overpays for it during tourist weekend "on the dark side."

  7. Yo Hideki, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Adam Lind had one of the best seasons of all time. OF ALL TIME.

  8. Like the All-Star vote, you may want to check if the Asains get to vote on this.

  9. Porn collected above replacement is one of the most underrated statistics of all time.

  10. Also Drew, don't you think its time you changed the JP picture?

  11. I bet they misread his Baseball reference page:

    DH 92
    LF 55
    OF 55

    "So Lind played 110 games in the outfield? He can't be a DH!"

    The Sporting News: the only mainstream news source that thinks the MLB season is 202 games long.

  12. New banner is on its way. I'm no good at that so I had to outsource it.

    This is still JP's team, until AA makes a move.


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