Admit it, you're a little curious

It's alright, you don't have to come right out and say it. I know what you're thinking. It's cool, I see it all the time.

I've seen a lot of men really, truly, wondering. Questioning themselves and their intentions. Asking why they're thinking these thoughts, how they could be feeling these emotions. I bet you think that you're losing your mind. "Wait??? What was that tingle?? Did it just move? No fucking way."

I can't really blame you. 4 for 4 with a home run? Playing solid defence? Hitting walk-off jacks on your birthday? STEALING FUCKING HOME? Look how fucking pleased I am right now. I just drank Andy Pettitte's milkshake. In a key situation. Oh yeah. I'm paid too. And I try not to be a dick about it.

I play the game "right" but I've also got skill to back it up, ya know. Don't sweat it dude, I won't tell anyone. I'm flattered, but that isn't how I get down. It was weird at first, seeing grown ass men wearing shirts and jerseys with my name on them. But whatever. I try not to let this stuff go to my head.

But I'm in YOUR head, aren't I? It's funny, isn't it? I'm just a regular dude, one that enjoys playing guitar and turning DP's. I don't think any less of you. Hell, even I was once married to a man.

Kindred Spirits

Man, it feels good to be back in Canada. I really appreciate these opportunities to pitch on my home soil. I relish the chance to pitch on national TV, cuz my old high school coach doesn't usually get to watch me play. I should probably loosen up, get ready to get dirty. Should I do some long toss today? The Doc said to take it easy, but my last two starts went really well. Whatever, I'm just straight-up amped to start tonight. Mostly I'm just happy to be back amongst the guys, shooting the shit around the cage.

Who's pitching for them? AJ Burnett! Damn, he's good. He's got lights-out type shit. I remember Mike Piazza telling me that he's one of the best he's ever faced. I wonder why he hasn't won more games. I should go over and talk with him.

Yo AJ! What's up brother? Looking good man. Yo, don't shake my hand, could tear my labrum right in two. Lolz! How are you feeling this year? Yeah dude, me too. In Japan I had a blast, so many girls in skirts, it was siq. For sure, I'm glad the season started too. It does seem a little long, I think a little vakay in the middle is a great idea. 35 starts?? That is like 5 years work man. I know dude, if I make 5 starts or 50, I still get paid the same! Hilarious.

Alright man, what do you think, Europe this June? Hahah, sounds good. Owww, shit dude! I'm all for clownin, but that Charlie horse hurt! Damn man, no fucking way am I pitching tonight.

FJM

I tried and I tried but I just couldn't find the Johnny Mac play from the weekend sweep of the scum sox to post for all to see over and over again. Sure he K'd three times and steam rolled Vernon, but I don't think there are many, or any other shortstops who make that play.

Free Johnny Mac.

Hurry Hard!

I didn't see today's game, but Josh Beckett's obesity came oozing through Gamechannel. Roy Halladay gave up an alarming number of (solo) home runs, but F the T picked him up with a grand slam in the fifth. And it was a fastball! Which missed by a foot. But still, he hit it a long ass way. He was rewarded with a curtain call and an entire wild boar on the post game spread. Just for him. No sharing with Matt Stairs or nuthin.

One glaring negative for the Jays were the season-high four runs allowed today. Wait, four runs total? Jesus, the pitching has been retarded. They have given up 17 runs in 6 games against the Yankees and the Red Sox. Jeremy Accardo picked up the perspiration-scented save. He allowed the tying run to come to the plate, but had the good fortune of it being Julio Lugo. Game over Dr. Strangeglove

John McDonald received a day pass from Eckstein hell, and did Johnny Macish things. He drew a walk(!), made a ridiculous play and nearly killed Vernon Wells. Sounds like a good day at the office. In the media scrum following the game, Gibby said Eckstein had the day off because of a Lollipop Guild union meeting this afternoon.

Following Up

So I'm a bit late with this, and started a post the night of the home opener. Reading it the following morning however, I realized that it was lacking in any sort of continuity and was all the fuck over the place. It may or may not have had something to do with the value priced beer at the Rogers Center, who knows?

Everything has basically been said about the game so I'm not really going to add a whole lot more because if it indeed has been said, no doubt it was said better. Although I was briefly entertained by the clowns who ran onto the field with two out in the bottom of the ninth, I must concur with the team over at DJF with regard to the lack of thought on their part prior to doing so. I'm also confused as to why the crowd decided to boo when the security fellas decided to cover up the broad's top half. Clearly, they were either not looking at the chick, or drunker than I was. Finally, not sure who the brilliant fan was that decided that it was time to start littering the field with garbage after Bonnie and Clyde were escorted off the field, but they should probably be beaten. I know there was a lot of Irish Scum there and no doubt they were tossing water bottles onto the field as their Sox were losing but they were not alone. If you're at a game and suddenly have the impulse to throw an object/garbage onto the field, stop and think of what a douchebag you are before doing it. Clearly you shouldn't even be at the game, and should be punched in the throat. You are not a fan, rather an idiot.

Halladay VEEE Beckett today = Good effin Game.

Doyle Brunson

Some reflections on today's game, a sound drubbing of an over-traveled Red Sox team. I was decidedly more sober attentive today and enjoyed the on-field product that much more.

• As much as I hate to admit it, David Eckstein was a factor today. He still hasn't hit a ball hard all season, but his little excuse me single to right landed him two RBIs. I will begrudgingly admit that his hustle induced Julio Lugo's bad throw and deprived Sean Casey the time to apply the tag. Still, fuck David Eckstein. He was thrown out trying to steal by about 10 feet in the first.
  
• Clay Bucholtz is for real. Despite his rough spring, he looked pretty good today. He appeared to exclusively throw offspeed pitches, even in fastball counts. The Jays seemed legitimately worried about scoring runs, bringing the infield in with the game tied in the fourth.
  
• There were waayyy more Red Sox fans in attendance today. During an in-game video, one of the dedicated/knowledgeable traveling fans referred to the Jays as "the Toronto team". Right. Red Sox Nation is more like a fun club to join, baseball is obviously secondary.
  
• Lyle Overbay is bound and determined to make me love him. He's raking, it's great.
  
• A Buck Coats sighting almost made up for the lack of Johnny Mac and Brandon League the last two days. Almost. Free Johnny Mac.
  
• I drank a lot last night. Like, a lot. Today wasn't fun, and no amount of Bud Light (ugh) could salvage it.

Josh Beckett makes his first start of the year tomorrow. I wonder if he's shed his glorious winter weight yet?

Christmas Day!

Home fucking opener. If Robbie Alomar doesn't mention that "while I may have caught the taste, Toronto caught my heart" in his speech, I'm going home. It's almost 3 o'clock and I haven't started "preparing" for the game. Something must be done.

The Ghostrunner curse seems to be working wonders. No sooner do I belittle Weeman's failings as a player, he goes and gets 2 hits and an RBI. Fuck him. NOW BATTING FOR YOUR TORONTO BLUE JAYS: DAVID ECKSTEIN. deep inhalation, ready to unleash maelstrom of hate...

With the Ghostrunner curse in mind, allow me to take this opportunity to say that the Jays are going to get run over by a slow moving bus tonight, in the form of Tim Wakefield's knuckleballs. The closed roof will trap in the heat of 48000 sweaty, drunken buffoons in a windless vacuum: the bloody thing will be dancing all over the place. Our only hope is lil Davey Eckstein. His short, compact stabbing motion swing should allow him to stay back and really see the gimmicky pitch that athleticism forgot.

All members of the Ghostrunner team will be on site tonight, The Reverend and El Leal in the quality digs. Mr. Barfield and I will be in a land far far away, where Jacboy Ellsbury will be deaf to my mockery. Guess that means you are shit outta luck Seany and Murph. You're going to hear it from me.

Agree to Disagree

Gosh guys, I'm real sorry I keep getting out against the Yankees. I try and try and try, but the darn ball won't go out of the infield.

I know it looks bad now, but you better believe I'll keep going up and taking my hacks. All my career, people have told me I'm not good enough. Even now, when it is abundantly clear that they're right, I'll still give 110% every night. That may only add up to 80% of a real big leaguer, but at least I'm doing my best.

Yessireebob, I'll take my cuts, I may only hit a dribbler that barely makes the pitcher, but golly gee, I'll sure run my tukas off to firstbase. You know why? Because you just never know what might happen. Every time I ground into a double play, I think back to the words of Joe DiMaggio "There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first or last time, I owe him my best." I too, owe those kids MY best, even though most of the kids are saying "Daddy, why is the ballboy playing shortstop" or "Dad, that player looks like the kid from my class with mittens pinned to his coat in July".

I know I'm no Joe DiMaggio, and once a kid actually cried when I showed up for an autograph session because I "wasn't a real player", but I've got a job to do. And no matter how clearly over matched I am, no matter if I'm the lesser of two offensive evils and defensively inferior to the guy behind me, I'll just keep humping it around the bases. It's my duty.

Doggin it

I don't care who you are, what team you play for, where you're at in the standings or whether or not you're playing hurt. When you hit a routine ground ball and are likely to be thrown out at first, don't fucking dog it down the line like a lazy idiot. The average salary in the MLB has recently crept over the 3.1 million dollar mark, and the least some of you fucking clowns can do is show some god damn hustle rather than sauntering down to first like a fat bitch. Nothing makes me angrier.

Vernon Wells just hit a two run bomb off the geriatric Yankee hurler...awesome.

Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il cattivo

God is on our side because he hates the Yanks.

God is not on our side because he hates idiots also.
Blah Blah, bad umpiring, blah blah defensive miscues. Hitting with runners on base? As the Man with No Name said: I've never seen so many men wasted so badly.

AJ Burnett goes against noted scumbag Mike Mussina tonight, whom the Tao quite handily takes to task. While looking for the opportunity to disparage Mussina in every way possible, I reluctantly came to the realization that he's had a downright impressive career. He also seems to posses a special ability to beat the shit out of the Jays. Interestingly, he has 250 wins while never managing 20 in a season. He was three outs away in 1996, until a certain obsese bullpen ruiner/illegal immigrant currently employed by the Blue Jays coughed it up. Sound strategy, bringing him in for a song. Hopefully he can return to ruining more Yankee/Oriole/allofhisotherteamswhichisprettymuchtheentirenationalleague's quality starts in the not too distant future.

Hey Mikey, 7 across: Overrated Yankee that racks up wins but not rings. d--ch-b-g. Knucklecurve this.