Through the Looking Glass

Quite an eventful day in the tedious build-up to real games. The important stuff is getting close, close enough to taste!

• An amazing site designed to debunk any and all myths regarding steroids and baseball. Required reading
  
• Josh Beckett chooses to gorge himself on Kobe beef at home, forgoes actual trip to Kobe
  
• Yankees - Rays go a round of handbags, mimic battle for third in the East this season
  
• DJF write something about Reed Johnson on a stall in the boys washroom, NY Post chump reads, posts on facebook
  
• Ichiro hitless in the Cactus League, at least one of the Four Horsemen has mounted up
  
• An old but interesting look at the ligament pimp of Birmingham

There is another news item that will be addressed later today, with the heaviest of hearts.

Chacin Loses Job He Never Had

In the most predictable story of the day, Jays manager John Gibbons announced that Gustavo Chacin has bony girl arms and won't be a member of the rotation when camp breaks (no word on whether or not he smells like an elephant's butt, only FAN morning show hacks know for sure.) This information was presented in a decidedly non-Blue Jays, straight forward manner. Which of course means it was known to be fact about three weeks ago by those that matter.

In a related news item, I've sadly been let go from my position writing for the New Yorker. It is tough to take at this stage of my fake career, but I relish the opportunity to improve my dick joke strength and location in the minor leagues.

This Chacin announcement comes on the heels of a missed start and more serious concerns about Casey Janssen's health. Luckily, Brandon League is throwing smoke and making believers out of everyone (else) thus far this spring. Merry Christmas Gingerfreakshow, you've fallen ass-backwards into a job.

But wait, there's less! Ol'Rusty Adams has been optioned to Triple A. Despite coming to camp looking like an extra from 300, Adams found it most difficult to bulk up the "baseball skill and ability" muscle group. The market for a jack-of-all-trades who lacks at each and every trade isn't too lively, so this looks like the end of Rusty's days shuttling between Toronto and Da Cuse. Shoulda been you, Inglett.

Holy Shit! Baseball on TV

Why would Sportsnet go to the trouble of broadcasting a Yankees intra-squad game?

I know that it has been said a million times, but Michael Kay and former Yankee X are unwatchable. They could barely stifle their laughter as they briefly touched on the Jays' new leadoff man, until they stumbled onto a juicy little factoid: Eckstein has two World Series rings.

THAT IS CORRECT MICHAEL KAY, YOU BRAYING MORON. THIS LITTLE WEASEL HAS TWO MORE RINGS THAN A-ROD, GIAMBI AND MUSSINA COMBINED! LUBE UP YOUR JETERBONER WITH STEINBRENNER'S TEARS!

Fuck I hate the Yankees. My favorite quote of the inning that I saw: "A lot of things have to go right for the Jays to pass the Red Sox or the Yankees this year." Is that so? I guess the Jays are heading into the season with two completely unproven rookies (both of whom missed time due to injury in their first attempt at a rookie season) and a nucleus that is older than time itself. These two (or any two YES drones) make Chuck Swirsky look like Bob Woodward.


UPDATE - YES, SUICIDE IS A VIABLE OPTION: Aaron Hill lashes double to right center, Former Yankee X (whom I believe to be John Flaherty) commends the Yankee centerfielder for his effort, informs mouth-breathing troglodytes viewing audience that he is a good defender. Way to go Aaron?

Yankees VEE Jays

Gustavo Chacin didn't do much today to show he should be the teams fifth starter. Yeah, it's spring training and I suppose these things happen, but he looked a little bit like an ass. He threw only two innings, allowing five hits and four earned runs while walking two and striking out one. It would have been 5 runs, however Vernon Wells gunned down Jose Molina at home to prevent Chacin's ERA from ballooning further.

Chien-Ming Wang on the other hand has thrown 3 scoreless innings, allowing only two hits in the process. Super Fag Alex Rodriguez victimized Chacin for a two run shot in the first which should be landing any time now. I felt like punching him through my TV screen but cooler heads prevailed.

The Jays fielded much of what could be their starting lineup this season. Matt Stairs is playing right field in place of Alex Rios and Shannon Stewart is out in left, though he very well may be the man come Opening Day. Vernon Wells just ripped an end-of-the-bat dribbler right back to Wang for the first out of the fourth, good shit. In his first at bat of the day, Frank Thomas hit a broken bat grounder to Rodriguez at third base, and in what seemed like an eternity, was eventually thrown out as part of a 5-4-3 double play. I'm quite sure even though it looked like he was running, Thomas was actually walking, or at least I sure hope he was. Oh well, I'm pretty happy to be watching this afternoon affair between the Jays and Yanks. There's still plenty of game left for the Jays to come back and beat the idiot Yankees.

Evidently Alex Rodriguez was quoted as saying he believes Derek Jeter will have an
MVP type season. He only wins MVP awards in the odd number years, so it's likely that this will be Jeter's year.

I have an idea. Alex Rodriguez should probably fuck off.

9 runs. You are reading this right

Hooray for Vernon Wells. Yes, Vernon Wells. He was two for three at the dish today with a pair of 2-RBI singles. Scott Rolen along with Aaron Hill also had two hits apiece to go along with a fairly solid 4 inning performance from Jesse Litsch. Litsch gave up a mere two hits and one earned run to go along with 6 strikeouts. Sure he gave up a mammoth home run to Ryan Howard but who hasn't done that in the past few seasons? Litsch, who is hoping to be the #5 man in the Jays rotation, strengthened his case with his performance today. Something tells me that this spot in the rotation has already been decided, we just haven't been informed yet.

The Jays will face the Astros tomorrow with the Doc taking the hill vs. Roy Oswalt.

In other less than important news, the Rangers inked right hander Sidney Ponson to a minor league deal and added him to their Spring training roster. Wow. Yes, this is the same Ponson who won 17 games in 2003, who was arrested for assault in Aruba in 2004 and followed that up with two DUI charges in 2005. Evidently he's since been through a "rehabilitation" program and feels better: "My mind is clear, my arm is good and I'm ready to rock and roll again." Ponson who took 2006 off was 2-5 with a 6.93 ERA in seven starts for the Twins last year. Sidney Ponson sucks. Clear mind or not, good arm, bad arm...who gives a shit. He's going to give up a thousand runs in spring training. Get cut, go on a bender and get arrested for not being able to get a fucking batter out.

Fuck Sidney Ponson, he's might as well go home now.

The Difference Between Us

Chalk up another defeat for grit and hustle. AJ Burnett pitched three effective innings (two infield singles among the four hits) today without throwing a curveball. This is why AJ Burnett is filthy, stinking rich and Jesse Litch will forever be a cute story. If you can leave one of the dirtiest pitches in the league in your locker and still go out and blow people away, you will forever have people climbing all over each other to pay you lavishly.

Over in Winter Haven, John Smoltz pitched a three inning simulated game. One of the batters he faced was a certain Eldrick Woods, who mustered a humpbacked liner up the middle that was classed a base hit, but struck out twice in four total at bats. Smoltz looked good against the professional golfers in the lineup but gave up two massive homeruns to the inevitable march of time. Tiger's single came off a reported 75 mile-an-hour fastball right down Broad street, clearly a favour exchanged for watching Tiger's wife feed their newborn child.

The other side of 161st

Yes, I hate the New York Yankees more than most things in this world. Sure, it's true that I wouldn't mind if an outbreak of the plague crippled the team; dashing any hopes of a playoff birth in 2008. All of that being said, I do find it a shame that Yankee stadium is set to begin its final season as home to the New York Yankees. The (more or less) same ballpark the team has been playing in since it was built back in 1923. I understand why the Yankees want to move into a new stadium, it's just too bad baseball will be losing one of it's few remaining truly lengendary parks. I guess I'm somewhat of a traditionalist in this regard, but I know I'm not alone in that feeling either.

I love watching, but more importantly attending baseball games. The stadium in which you watch a live baseball game can add so much to the experience. Although I haven't been lucky enough to see a game live at Yankee stadium, I know many who have who've had nothing but amazing things to say about it. I've also seen enough games on TV to understand why it's such a special place to watch a game. I'm trying to figure out a way to get to a game this season, so that I could be lucky enough to say I saw the Yankees get their asses handed to them.

Plans to auction off some of the contents of the stadium have already been put in place by the team as well as the city (the city purchased the stadium from the team in 1972). No details have been finalized on when the wrecking ball will spell the end for the famed stadium, which stands next to the Harlem river in the Bronx. And don't expect to be able to haul off any really great memorabilia, as I'm quite sure the Hall of Fame will have first crack at the really great stuff. Though not finalized it is expected that the stadium will be re-built into a complex of three fields. One for softball, one for Little league and one that will host high school and college games. At least the city is replacing it with more baseball fields rather than condos or some commercial monstrosity. Good on them.

The Yankees begin their final season in the "House that Ruth built" on March 31st against the Jays and are also hosting the 2008 All-star game. At least the famous park is going out on a high note. Let's hope the team utterly tanks though.

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - NL West

A simple equation for season preview success:

Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!

Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Sweet merciful crap, this week's installment is the last for the National League - the NL West

	Los Angeles Dodgers - Black fucking Flag
	Black Flag is pretty fucking amazing. They wrote a lot of great songs and generally didn't give a fuck. The Dodgers have a pretty good mix of young and old, with some veterans that still have something to prove. Apparently they have a new manager? Torre will play the Rollins to Grady Little's Keith Morris. Therefore, Grady Little will be found penniless and living on the streets of Hollywood within the next few years. Sounds about right. Bonus - listening to Black Flag gives me the rage/strength I need to rid the earth of the four vacuous slags seen on the left.
	Arizona Diamondbacks - Jimmy Eat World
	A team full of kids, they have a solid rotation but many question marks remain. They could all come together or it go completely to shit just like the playoffs last year. They'll keep most games close, but they're a little too vanilla to get over the hump. Jimmy Eat World write solid pop songs, but I doubt they are anyone on Earth's favorite band.
	Colorado Rockies - Any Christian Singer/Songwriter
	Last year the Rockies parlayed their undying faith into an insane, rollercoaster run to the World Series. God then repaid their devotion by issuing them a stern beating at the hands of the Red Sox. This year's chances can be summed up in three words: JOSH GODDAMN TOWERS. Christian artists sell a zillion records no matter how shitty their music is, thanks to zealots buying anything that displays its "faith" in the most conspicuous way possible. Kind of like being a powerhitter in Colorado.
	San Diego Padres - The Locust
	Despite their best efforts, the Locust are boring and inoffensive. The Padres may crack 20 home runs as a team this year. I have a big old sloppy softspot for this team, as my grandfather came north with a boatload of Padres merchandise from their first World Series birth and thrust it into my six year old arms. Last year's hosejob aside (they're the Padres and still weren't the most pious team on the field in that playoff. Blasted vengeful god) they shouldn't make the playoffs because they just aren't a great team.
	San Fransisco Giants - The Grateful Dead
	Fucking Hippies. Don't even get me started. Alex Rios should send Brian Sabean a muffin basket for not pulling the trigger on that deal. The Giants have a couple (?) good arms and a nice ballpark. But aside from that....who wants some bacon?????

You could maybe build 2 good teams if you combined these five. Every NL West team has made the playoffs at least once in the last five years, but I'd rather watch from home than have my team actively employ Rich Aurilia, Tony Clark, or anyone named Sweeney.

Plumbing the Depths

Going to great lengths to find all the invaluable coins morsels of information the internets have to offer

• "Indecent depravity" is a long standing tradition in the great game of baseball
  
• The game's young stars don't like getting hosed by the service time rules
  
• The Rockies don't give a shit about service time and are willing to heave a bag of jewels at you if you perform well for half a season
  
• Red Sox scout caught doing what Murph and Sully do when they have Green Monster seats and Manny bends over
  
• I'm a pretty great softball player

I would be remiss if I didn't post this, the greatest comic ever written (via PBF)

Who wears the pants?

Anyone who has been following/blogging/obsessing over the Toronto Blue Jays baseball club over the past few years knows of and understands the unique dynamic that exists between the general manager and the field manager. One is the downhome, aw shucks, good ole boy that the players all love. The other is, of course, the prince of lies. Satan himself even.

It is the classic good cop/bad cop scenario, which usually plays out in the local media thusly:

Gibby: Player X is my guy in role Y.
JP: Player X is "in the mix" <-- JP's favorite phrase aside from "don't bite it"
Gibby: It is Player A's job to lose
JP: We have a few guys in mind for a variety of roles.
Gibby: Golly gee fellas, I think we're in a good position this season
JP: If you ask me that question again I'll use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

This very exchange played out today with the local scribes, as Wilner details.

I imagine it plays very similarly within the clubhouse. Gibby, the softbellyed players coach that he is, gives numerous votes of confidence and publicly backs his players at almost all costs. The players love him and enjoy his support. JP, however, is a realist. Despite the abuse often heaped upon him, he is a good GM that has improved the team and gotten out from under some horrible contracts. He speaks for the organization, and they are always looking to get a proper return on their investment.

So JP is the visionary and Gibbons is the patsy, assembling his lineup at the whim of the higher ups. In exchange for his dignity, Gibby gets to call JP a cocksucker behind closed doors, and play the "assholes in management/suits upstairs" card with a player once the writing is on the wall. It seems to work, as most players enjoy the atmosphere and rave about the organization.

I believe most of this back-and-forth to be a highly choreographed dance for the sake of little more than optics. Much has been written about JP's casual relationship with the truth and barely masked disdain for the ink-stained wretches who tail his team around the continent. We fans clamber for truth (not that we'd know what we'd do with), raising our ire when we feel deceived or unappreciated, as though we'd been considered at any point during the proceedings. Not that anyone would care were there a parade scheduled for late October.