Thursday, March 6, 2008

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - NL West

A simple equation for season preview success:
    Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Sweet merciful crap, this week's installment is the last for the National League - the NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers - Black fucking Flag
Black Flag is pretty fucking amazing. They wrote a lot of great songs and generally didn't give a fuck. The Dodgers have a pretty good mix of young and old, with some veterans that still have something to prove. Apparently they have a new manager? Torre will play the Rollins to Grady Little's Keith Morris. Therefore, Grady Little will be found penniless and living on the streets of Hollywood within the next few years. Sounds about right. Bonus - listening to Black Flag gives me the rage/strength I need to rid the earth of the four vacuous slags seen on the left.

Arizona Diamondbacks - Jimmy Eat World
A team full of kids, they have a solid rotation but many question marks remain. They could all come together or it go completely to shit just like the playoffs last year. They'll keep most games close, but they're a little too vanilla to get over the hump. Jimmy Eat World write solid pop songs, but I doubt they are anyone on Earth's favorite band.
Colorado Rockies - Any Christian Singer/Songwriter
Last year the Rockies parlayed their undying faith into an insane, rollercoaster run to the World Series. God then repaid their devotion by issuing them a stern beating at the hands of the Red Sox. This year's chances can be summed up in three words: JOSH GODDAMN TOWERS. Christian artists sell a zillion records no matter how shitty their music is, thanks to zealots buying anything that displays its "faith" in the most conspicuous way possible. Kind of like being a powerhitter in Colorado.
San Diego Padres - The Locust
Despite their best efforts, the Locust are boring and inoffensive. The Padres may crack 20 home runs as a team this year. I have a big old sloppy softspot for this team, as my grandfather came north with a boatload of Padres merchandise from their first World Series birth and thrust it into my six year old arms. Last year's hosejob aside (they're the Padres and still weren't the most pious team on the field in that playoff. Blasted vengeful god) they shouldn't make the playoffs because they just aren't a great team.
San Fransisco Giants - The Grateful Dead
Fucking Hippies. Don't even get me started. Alex Rios should send Brian Sabean a muffin basket for not pulling the trigger on that deal. The Giants have a couple (?) good arms and a nice ballpark. But aside from that....who wants some bacon?????
You could maybe build 2 good teams if you combined these five. Every NL West team has made the playoffs at least once in the last five years, but I'd rather watch from home than have my team actively employ Rich Aurilia, Tony Clark, or anyone named Sweeney.

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