Thursday, March 20, 2008

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - AL Central

A simple equation for season preview success:
    Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Up now, the toughest division in baseball - the AL Central.

Detroit Tigers - Walls of Jericho
This team figures to bludgeon all that oppose them, leaving a trail of broken and bloodied bodies in their cruel wake. They also lead the league in fat guys. Miguel Cabrera could be among league leaders in slugging, RBI and appearances at Krispy Kreme. Walls of Jericho write comically heavy and entertaining mosh exercises. They too will beat you into a bloody daze, but the main bludgeoner is a lot better looking than Jim Leyland.
The goddamn river is on FIRECleveland Indians - Ringworm
More punishing offense, more punishing hardcore played and preferred by fat guys. This team will score many runs, but won't get nearly as many people out as Detroit. Can Carmona repeat last season's success? More importantly, who has the best nickname in Cleveland? Is it Pronk or the Human Furnace? I'm pretty sure Human Furnace is as badass a nickname as exists in the world.
Chicago White Sox - Lupe Fiasco
No one in Chicago gives a shit about the White Sox, or their World Series win. Steve Perry is the only one to benefit from that season. They play in a boring ballpark in a brutal neighbourhood. They have a solid team that, while improved by the addition of Nick Swisher and Orlando Cabrera, is rapidly aging and will likely lack the pitching to compete in this robust division. The Cool is an outstanding achievement of a second record. Sadly, Lupe will never turn as many heads as Kayne West.
Kansas City Royals - The Get Up Kids
I was all ready to pan the Royals, make a few jokes about decades of ineptitude and then be on my way. Except that this Royals team won't be dreadful, and are in a very similar position to Tampa Bay, minus the sexy pick status. They are still a couple years away, but they seem to be building something. Spare the bastards that sit here all summer your pity. The Get Up Kids changed popular music whether you want to admit it or not. They are one of the only bands I know of from Kansas City. They have "kids" in their name. The Royals are young. Leave me alone.
Minnesota Twins - The Replacements
Prepare yourself, cause here we go with a whole boatload of hackneyed shtick!
How will the Twins "replace" Johan Santana? How will Nelson Fransico Liriano's recently "replaced" ligament respond after missing an entire year? Will Delmon Young be able to "replace" Torii Hunter's Gold Glove defense and contract year offense? Can I resist "replacing" that Delmon Young question with one referencing Bastards of Young? Will Livan Hernandez's warm up jacket be "replaced" by Metrodome Hefty Bags? Can blogger extrodinaire Pat Neshak "replace" Joe Nathan as the Twins' closer when Nathan gets traded at the deadline? Can you "replace" the minutes of your life you spent reading this? No.
The Tigers are a class team, though bullpen questions could dog them if Todd "The Mustache" Jones succumbs to age and returns to his gold plot. None of these teams appear to be truly awful, something you can't say about most other divisions. The Jays rotation seems to match up well against these teams, provided they learn how to win on the road.

Next week: the Al East. Which band would you like to see represent the Jays?


  1. Jays = The Al Kaline Trio, just because they are great.

  2. ...obviously that might not work, so I'd then move on to OG trigger happy..... GG

  3. heheh you said NELSON liriano.


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