Thursday, March 27, 2008

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - AL East

A simple equation for season preview success:
    Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
One final time, our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

This week, the only one that matters. THE LAST ONE. The AL East.

Boston Red Sox - Isis
This is almost unfair to Isis. I enjoy them so much, while harbouring deep-seated resentment and hatred for the Red Sox. Isis has improved and expanded their sound on each record, developing new and interesting ways to entertain stoners. The Red Sox are more than just an intimidating line-up from top to bottom, they've added speed, and an increased importance on defense (hello otherwise unemployable Julio Lugo) to an already stuffed rotation and solid bullpen. There are still question marks, but they are certainly the team to beat.
JP says YES WE CANYOUR Toronto Blue Jays - The Constantines
If not now, then when. The pitching staff is rounding into form, improvements abound, nagging injuries are hopefully in the past. This is the team that you really, really want to do well. Likable without being too touchy-feely gritty-cutsey, like the Constantines. A rock band, period. Enough melody to keep their shows from being a dude ranch, and straight forward enough that they could foreseeably seep over into the Nickelbacked crowd. Compared to the rest of the AL, there are fewer potential landmines for this team. See you in hell, and in the ALDS.
New York Yankees - The Beastie Boys
It is quite a feat for a team to be too old and too young all at the same time. It's a little sad, like a bunch of 40 year old men prancing around under the name the Beastie Boys. They used to be great sure, but their time has passed. And uniformed white people LOVE them, it's a default setting. "I don't really like rap, but I love the Beastie Boys." Same guy: "I don't really watch baseball, but I really like the Yankees." Vanilla ice cream is horseshit.
Tampa Bay Rays - Underoath
I could go on about how the now 100% Devil-free Rays are very much like a christian mall-mosh band, about how the Rays are too young and free-swinging and their pitching is horrifically overrated. But fuck that. It's Rocco o'clock. Fuck you Kevin Hench, for your lazy journalism which you refuse to retract. Fuck you nature, for fucking with Rocco's chemical makeup. Fuck you Woonsocket, for having such an appealing name. And fuck you Rocco, for making it impossible for me to quit you.
Baltimore Orioles - Good Charlotte
What? Seriously? They are going to be fucking AWFUL. Having to play these four team 76 times a year? Without any pitching whatsoever? They might win 60 total all year. Lots of youth, and Nick Markakis COULD be the greek Rocco. I'm not ready to commit to anything yet. I need to figure out me first. Good Charlotte are known to be nice guys. They've gone way the fuck out of their league with some quality LA ass, but their band could not be worse. It is an impossibility.
Awesome. This is finished, which means actual baseball is right around the corner. Bliss. I'll leave these predictions on the sidebar for a while, long enough for my idiocy to be proven, not just assumed.

AL E - Red Sox C - Tigers W - Angels WC - Blue fucking Jays.
NL E - Mets C - Cubs W - Dodgers WC - Phillies
ALCS - Red Sox / Tigers
NLCS - Mets / Dodgers
WS - Red Sox / Mets = See you in hell Buckner. Mets in 6.

Did I just pick the Mets to win the World Series. What the fuck?

1 comment:

  1. I might have used Nickleback instead of the Beastie Boys, not because they are comparable, only because I fucking hate them both substantially.


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