Thursday, March 13, 2008

Ghostrunning with the Devil - Season Preview - AL West

A simple equation for season preview success:
    Uninformed pontificator + hackneyed gimmick - accountability = I'M A GENIUS!
Our gimmick of choice will find us pairing each team with a band/artist from the same area code. The connections will be tenuous at best and derived from my completely arbitrary criteria. Teams are arranged by predicted order of finish, based on nothing approximating math, science or logic.

Well well, we've come to the grown-ups' table. Sort of. The AL West

Death to False MetalCalifornia Angels - The Dillinger Escape Plan
Sure, they're FROM New Jersey. But they have definitely gone LA. DEP write insane, amazing songs and play them at a breakneck speed. Every so often, they'll slow down and bludgeon you with riffery. The Angels (and their myriad of outfielders) run, run and run some more. When they need to, they call in the Big Man to Do Work.
Seattle Mariners - Tegan and Sara
My big, greasy, gay boner for Tegan and Sara is exceeded only by my well-established love for Ichiro. The M's pulled the trigger on a big trade to bring in Erik Bedard, breaking every xenophobic Canadian Blue Jay idealist's heart in the process. The Con is solid and approaching great. Nope, they sure won't make out with you. Nope, they sure won't contend for the wildcard.
Oakland A's - Too $hort
Rich Harden has the same kind of electric stuff as AJ Burnett but is even less reliable. Combine this with Billy Beane's shrewd yet cruel deals to keep the team young and cheap, and A's fans likely spend a lot more time drinking than they do cheering. There is definitely some real talent here, but I doubt even the manager knows where it is. Uhh, Obvious Too $hort pun? I'll let it go.
Alright, Alright, AlrightTexas Rangers - Drowning Pool
A horseshit band for a horseshit team. The rotation is a joke, Michael Young is an All-Star and a leading cause of spilt-milk related tears in Toronto (LaMarcus Aldridge notwithstanding.) Jewel of the Teixeira trade and consonant enthusiast Jarrod Saltalamacchia may not even make the team. Drowning Pool are music at its worst/doucheyest. Wooderson wouldn't be caught dead scalping tickets to one of their half-assed shows.
The Angels are the class of this division, and should be considered legitimate World Series threats. Every time the Jays go west, it seems like a make-or-break road trip. It inevitably breaks. Jamie Campbell gets cranky working so late into the night.

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